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English
I
would have waited a couple weeks for this,
i 5ed, which means i read it, but don't feel like getting into the particulars
any way if you sent the pm, there is a thread called sonics, hopefully answering at least part of the question
whoops
Harry - I posted a long comment - email me if you got it and deleted it. If not then I will try to put the thing together again. Not sure what I did!
Let me try this again
This has a lot of potential. It could be improved by clarifying the voice, some reordering of the stanzas, and word tweaks. The line 'I will find you; I do not tire' gave me the serious heebie jeebies because the voice is strong, direct and threatening. Comments following are suggestions for reinforcing that creep factor:
first stanza: Changing "give me the blood I desire" to "that is what I desire" or "it's your blood I desire" . Makes it more direct and personal.
2nd: the focus here is no longer on the victim or the immediate. I would move it to later on as in the poem.
3rd: Change 'release' to obey, and maybe covey to relay, and then make the last line more threatening viz I will shackle your souls to the pire, or something like that
4th. Black sleep sounds like blacksheep - barbed sleep maybe?
5-6th. I'm not sure what these stanzas add, and the concept of paying or free is hard to understand. Maybe make it clear what awaits.
anyway - I wouldn't have spent time on this if I didn't think it had merit, and these are just things to consider.
A PICTURE OF THOUGHT
after a raid and the turmoil wrought. TK U MLJ LV NV
Dark Side
I see what you mean about exploring it
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