Great start to what could become a Novella or a series (i.e. his g/f, her friends, mom of course, maybe dad ...cousins et al) ...
by
Anonymous10/13/12
so-so
needs a good editor a few errors mixed up words etc. needs a little more background and some more and better plot line reads more like a first draft than a postable story.
by
Anonymous10/13/12
NOT BAD
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US HANGING, YOUR THE ONE WHO LEFT IT OPEN.THIS HAS THE START OF AN OUTSTANDING TAIL. ANOTHER NICE LONG CHAPTER SHOULD DO IT. THE OLD MAN WILL BE A FAN ,THANK YOU
by
Anonymous10/13/12
More Please!
Not only would I love to read a sequel but also a prequel about Jason, his girlfriend and Jessica in the gym.
It really seems stupid to me when all people are concerned about is grammar, really people, f-grammar on a jack off story. Seems real dumb to me. Usually when your rubbing your clit or your long shaft to these stories, grammar is the last thing you think about. Very good story don't worry about the grammar no one important really cares about that, just the odd cowardly "anonymous".
Not everyone reads Literotica to jack (or jill) off.
The public comments here are both to give potential readers a glimpse of the quality of the story and to help the authors hone their writing skills.
Commenting on grammar and spelling errors, which I frequently do (never anonymously, by the way), serves both purposes. If you can enjoy a story rife with grammar/spelling errors, more power to you. Others of us are not so fortunate.
I, for one, find it difficult to enjoy a piece of erotic writing when it reads as though it was written by a third-grader, or by someone who barely speaks English, as some stuff on Literotica occasionally does.
Grammar/spelling comments, when done constructively, can be helpful to a writer who is open to it and who wants to improve his or her writing chops.
-Rei
by
Anonymous10/14/12
not bad
I'm not overly concerned with the grammar. I think the story might have been better if the physical descriptions were not jammed into the first paragraph but spread out and also if the characters were more normal in appearance. Constant 38DD and giant dicks get tiring. A little back story and further description of the kids in the room going at it like them talking before hand or what they are doing and then the mother finding them would have made a better story I think.
This story has potential, but it is in dire need of an editor! Proper spelling and grammar make a story easy to read. Not all of us have mrpurvy's magical abilities to read a story with holes in the story; that is, words left out, and interpret misspelled words that are so mangled that you have to hire someone versed in Egyptian hieroglyphics to understand it. Not that this story has mangled words, but our hard working author did leave out some words.
Not a bad start, young author, try finding an editor.
My tablet keyboard is screwing with me, so there, may be typos. Mrpurvy is the kind of reader that sees no fault in any story he reads, and thinks all anonymous critics are scared to let their name be out there. It was late, when I wrote my comments, so I could've been clearer, I thôught I was, my apologies. However, there were a couple words left out. Such as; "today would no exception." I knew you meant to put the word "be" there, it didn't send me into convulsions, I just read it as it were there. Some people go into conniptions over such things, I wasn't trying to do that, I was just making the point that some stories are unreadable because of it and get great reviews. Your story was pretty good, it lacked commas in many places, but I didn't even bring it up. I know I have no stories of my own, I lack the time to write, but it doesn't mean I don't know how to write, or how a story should be written.
Overall, I think you have a good story concept, just need some editing and some more content. I hope this clears things up, my beef is with mrpurvy, not your writing. Sorry I didn't make that clear in my comments!
English
Great start
Great start to what could become a Novella or a series (i.e. his g/f, her friends, mom of course, maybe dad ...cousins et al) ...
so-so
needs a good editor a few errors mixed up words etc. needs a little more background and some more and better plot line reads more like a first draft than a postable story.
NOT BAD
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US HANGING, YOUR THE ONE WHO LEFT IT OPEN.THIS HAS THE START OF AN OUTSTANDING TAIL. ANOTHER NICE LONG CHAPTER SHOULD DO IT. THE OLD MAN WILL BE A FAN ,THANK YOU
More Please!
Not only would I love to read a sequel but also a prequel about Jason, his girlfriend and Jessica in the gym.
Very Good
It really seems stupid to me when all people are concerned about is grammar, really people, f-grammar on a jack off story. Seems real dumb to me. Usually when your rubbing your clit or your long shaft to these stories, grammar is the last thing you think about. Very good story don't worry about the grammar no one important really cares about that, just the odd cowardly "anonymous".
To "Mrpervy"
Not everyone reads Literotica to jack (or jill) off.
The public comments here are both to give potential readers a glimpse of the quality of the story and to help the authors hone their writing skills.
Commenting on grammar and spelling errors, which I frequently do (never anonymously, by the way), serves both purposes. If you can enjoy a story rife with grammar/spelling errors, more power to you. Others of us are not so fortunate.
I, for one, find it difficult to enjoy a piece of erotic writing when it reads as though it was written by a third-grader, or by someone who barely speaks English, as some stuff on Literotica occasionally does.
Grammar/spelling comments, when done constructively, can be helpful to a writer who is open to it and who wants to improve his or her writing chops.
-Rei
not bad
I'm not overly concerned with the grammar. I think the story might have been better if the physical descriptions were not jammed into the first paragraph but spread out and also if the characters were more normal in appearance. Constant 38DD and giant dicks get tiring. A little back story and further description of the kids in the room going at it like them talking before hand or what they are doing and then the mother finding them would have made a better story I think.
really?
This story has potential, but it is in dire need of an editor! Proper spelling and grammar make a story easy to read. Not all of us have mrpurvy's magical abilities to read a story with holes in the story; that is, words left out, and interpret misspelled words that are so mangled that you have to hire someone versed in Egyptian hieroglyphics to understand it. Not that this story has mangled words, but our hard working author did leave out some words.
Not a bad start, young author, try finding an editor.
response to your email
My tablet keyboard is screwing with me, so there, may be typos. Mrpurvy is the kind of reader that sees no fault in any story he reads, and thinks all anonymous critics are scared to let their name be out there. It was late, when I wrote my comments, so I could've been clearer, I thôught I was, my apologies. However, there were a couple words left out. Such as; "today would no exception." I knew you meant to put the word "be" there, it didn't send me into convulsions, I just read it as it were there. Some people go into conniptions over such things, I wasn't trying to do that, I was just making the point that some stories are unreadable because of it and get great reviews. Your story was pretty good, it lacked commas in many places, but I didn't even bring it up. I know I have no stories of my own, I lack the time to write, but it doesn't mean I don't know how to write, or how a story should be written.
Overall, I think you have a good story concept, just need some editing and some more content. I hope this clears things up, my beef is with mrpurvy, not your writing. Sorry I didn't make that clear in my comments!
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