this has a nice external structure, 556,556,56, 6 being refrain, rhyme follows a strict pattern, internally it would have been nicer if word choice were better, and a little trick, change somethings in the last refrain, i.e.
Secrets we knew
Have faded in the killing season
sure my bud Tazz can add to that
to all others sans self. TK U MLJ LV NV
As a note: these are lyrics structured poetically. It's adapted slightly from its original form. I wrote in high school for my metal band. Just up here for fun :)
quite nice, you really don't want too much poetry, doesn't work often, still some minor changes in the refrain, often does wonders. another thing, ambiguity, unless you're doin C&W, in which case stick to losin'
your parkin space for the oversize truck
or pickin' & chosin'
a bumper sticker for your truck
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