Love it! Wouldn't tht be a crazy video to see.
I enjoyed this very much. I thought some of your metaphors were quite frankly the richest and most well described that I've read in a while, particularly on this site. However, the parenthetical phrases, your "camera view" that you used interrupted your flow badly. As an editor, I highly recommend that when you choose to rewrite this, you remove those. Take the pertinent description from those sections and intergrate it into the larger piece, then do away with the camera directions entirely. Basically, what it did was pull your reader away from both the eroticism of the scene and the horror of it - the titilation of your moment and the love. Every time you "pulled back" to give us a camera shot you introduced another POV and broke the flow of the story. I'd suggest sticking with one POV, your ghost. He's a much more intimate, trustworthy narrator. If you want to create images, then put a mirror in the room and let him watch himself fuck Tate. That solves your dilemma without distancing your reader. Just the thoughts from an editorial standpoint. Overall, nice twist on the traditional ghost story.
Very good descriptions. Found the ‘camera view’ parentheses distracting, but otherwise great!
This was overwhelmingly amazing! And no, I didn't find anything wrong about the camera view. In fact, its one of the many things that made this story so refreshing and new. It doesn't feel like it conforms to the old-fashioned rules, and its like one of those new cinematography styles Oscar-winning documentary film-makers use. Its original and brave. It isn't bland and usual. It creates realism. Not one-sided. Still remarkably smooth despite the merging of perspectives. And it does a great and powerful deal in propelling the story forward, and hard-wiring that breathtaking, burning conclusion. Phenomenal!
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