It wasn't bad, for the most part, however, you did manage to hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. Please stop putting the dialogue between two people in the same paragraph!
I was busting for a pee and stood behind the fallen trunk, unzipped and started to pee. 'What are you doing?' 'What does it look like.' 'I want to help! This should have looked like this...
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?"
"I want to help!"
Of course the absence of quotation marks doesn't help either. There's more but I won't bother because it's more of a "UK vs USA" thing that most would find nit picky at best.
Bucolic Scenery + Taboo Sex + Near Discovery & Shame = ?
A good read ! The sister & brother characters are a little underdeveloped, as well as their non-carnal relationship. I'm nit-picking in terms of this having classic potential. The long ago & far away setting and descriptions of rural, 1960's England make this special. Thank you.
That is a Great way to learn! Thanks! "Lost in the 60's"
by
Anonymous10/21/12
Memories
Very close to what happened to me a long time ago.......
by
Anonymous10/21/12
rewrite please
adding the extra " E' " to some words really throws off the flow of the story and makes readers wonder what kind of idiot the writer is. do a rewrite and remove all the extra " E's " all they do is distract the reader and pull them out of the spell you are trying to weave.
by
Anonymous10/21/12
Funny,
having checked your Bio, I notice that you are apparently a similar age to me.
BUT in the schools I attended in England, during the English lessons they concentrated hard on spelling, punctuation and grammar.
Guess you went to a different school!!
by
Anonymous10/21/12
Bravo!!!
Truly a pleasurable start, there is no doubt this going to be an excellent series. Try to ignore the nit picking spelling Nazi's, besides they were forewarned of spelling differences! Please keep up the good work and don't keep us waiting. Patience may be a virtue but anticipation is a killer. Five stars
by
Anonymous10/21/12
Not Bad
I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to more. For your first attempt at english style and spelling not a bad read.
As an Englishman, you have every right to use "British English." No warnings are needed here. As an American, I admit that I was startled by "elasticated" and stumped by "spinney." [I consulted an online dictionary of British English.] However, I would like to offer two gentle suggestions: Please write longer episodes and consider starting a new paragraph with each speaker change in the back-and-forth dialog. [Then the quote marks become unnecessary.] Thank you for a fine effort. Five stars. Please continue.
by
Anonymous10/22/12
Stop Explaining
The yanks don't have a monopoly on the English language. Having said that, proofread/spell-check wouldn't hurt. Are you sure that your sis was 18 at the time? You two sounded awfully naive for the young adults you were in your story. That was what detracted from the whole story and prevented me from awarding it a higher rating.
by
Anonymous10/22/12
Well Done
Sure, the character development could have been better, but you did an excellent job nonetheless, and it was hot as hell!
Agree with Stop Explaining, that it seemed more likely you were 16 or 17, and Charlie was 13 or 14, but I guess you had to add a few years to meet Literotica's 18 or over standard. I often find myself mentally taking off a few years when reading these stories, because they then seem more reasonable. Some legal foolishness, I presume, though other sites seem not to worry about it. Just saw there is a Ch.02, and wanted to read Ch.01 first. Glad I did. Very well done, aside from the usual gramatical and spelling errors. Hope 02 and any future bits are as good.
by
Anonymous10/14/13
have think
it would be a better story if you had explained the odd phrases peculiar to your area. for example when you used the word spinneyit should have been written as "spinney (a small grove of trees). then everyone would know what you were talking about and wouldn't have to stop and look it up which ruins the flow of the story.
English
Pretty good
Pretty good for your first try :) I look foreward to more chapters
Sigh
It wasn't bad, for the most part, however, you did manage to hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. Please stop putting the dialogue between two people in the same paragraph!
I was busting for a pee and stood behind the fallen trunk, unzipped and started to pee. 'What are you doing?' 'What does it look like.' 'I want to help! This should have looked like this...
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?"
"I want to help!"
Of course the absence of quotation marks doesn't help either. There's more but I won't bother because it's more of a "UK vs USA" thing that most would find nit picky at best.
Great first story
More, Please!
Definitely want to know what happened later!
Bucolic Scenery + Taboo Sex + Near Discovery & Shame = ?
A good read ! The sister & brother characters are a little underdeveloped, as well as their non-carnal relationship. I'm nit-picking in terms of this having classic potential. The long ago & far away setting and descriptions of rural, 1960's England make this special. Thank you.
Great start.
Should lead to a great full length story
I can't really say it's got potential, because it really happened to you.
Nice start.
The pee is not my thing, but I suppose if it did happen you have to include it.
Looking forward to
A way!
That is a Great way to learn! Thanks! "Lost in the 60's"
Memories
Very close to what happened to me a long time ago.......
rewrite please
adding the extra " E' " to some words really throws off the flow of the story and makes readers wonder what kind of idiot the writer is. do a rewrite and remove all the extra " E's " all they do is distract the reader and pull them out of the spell you are trying to weave.
Funny,
having checked your Bio, I notice that you are apparently a similar age to me.
BUT in the schools I attended in England, during the English lessons they concentrated hard on spelling, punctuation and grammar.
Guess you went to a different school!!
Bravo!!!
Truly a pleasurable start, there is no doubt this going to be an excellent series. Try to ignore the nit picking spelling Nazi's, besides they were forewarned of spelling differences! Please keep up the good work and don't keep us waiting. Patience may be a virtue but anticipation is a killer. Five stars
Not Bad
I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to more. For your first attempt at english style and spelling not a bad read.
A Sweet, Innocent Beginning of an Incest Tale
As an Englishman, you have every right to use "British English." No warnings are needed here. As an American, I admit that I was startled by "elasticated" and stumped by "spinney." [I consulted an online dictionary of British English.] However, I would like to offer two gentle suggestions: Please write longer episodes and consider starting a new paragraph with each speaker change in the back-and-forth dialog. [Then the quote marks become unnecessary.] Thank you for a fine effort. Five stars. Please continue.
Stop Explaining
The yanks don't have a monopoly on the English language. Having said that, proofread/spell-check wouldn't hurt. Are you sure that your sis was 18 at the time? You two sounded awfully naive for the young adults you were in your story. That was what detracted from the whole story and prevented me from awarding it a higher rating.
Well Done
Sure, the character development could have been better, but you did an excellent job nonetheless, and it was hot as hell!
A very nice start
Hot and erotic.
I want to read about the first time they fuck and how sweet and innocent Charlie seems be.
Thanks for the read
Nice Story
Agree with Stop Explaining, that it seemed more likely you were 16 or 17, and Charlie was 13 or 14, but I guess you had to add a few years to meet Literotica's 18 or over standard. I often find myself mentally taking off a few years when reading these stories, because they then seem more reasonable. Some legal foolishness, I presume, though other sites seem not to worry about it. Just saw there is a Ch.02, and wanted to read Ch.01 first. Glad I did. Very well done, aside from the usual gramatical and spelling errors. Hope 02 and any future bits are as good.
have think
it would be a better story if you had explained the odd phrases peculiar to your area. for example when you used the word spinneyit should have been written as "spinney (a small grove of trees). then everyone would know what you were talking about and wouldn't have to stop and look it up which ruins the flow of the story.
You shouldn't have apologised for the English
The Yanks don't hold a monopoly in the language.
"stains on my bed sheets"
No Kleenex or bog roll in your house?
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