This is good so far can't wait for more
Hello, Sexysub12, and thank you for deciding to write for us here at Literotica. This, especially as a first story, was quite outstanding - you can be very pleased with your creation and I hope to read much more from your talented pen soon.
Welcome, five stars and more, please!
Sorry, but this is a poorly written story.
The plot is predictable and poorly developed. The characters are wooden and poorly developed. The violence doesn't seem to have a purpose other than being violent.
There are obvious mistakes, especially with the conventions of writing and dialogue.
Erotic literature needs more than this to be considered literature. In a short story you should show not tell. For example, "She had candy red painted toenails" should be "As she bent down to await her punishment, she fixed her eyes resolutely on her candy red toenails" That way, you give the information without telling it in an obvious way.
Great first story. Look forward to next chapter.
Forget anything said otherwise, this is a great first chapter. Keep them coming, please!
Keep going, I'm looking forward for the next installment...
I am so excited reading all of the wonderful feedback! I appreciate the support. I will continue the next chapter and hopefully keep improving. I have never been more nervous that it would not be enjoyed. This story was the 1st one I have ever written and I have so many more idea's.
Don't take this the wrong way - I loved how inexperienced this story made her sound! The characters were realistic and lifelike; too often I am reading and then it gets to the sex scene and it's all the same stuff, virgin pussy this and ten-inch cock that. Your characters were genuine and believable and I haven't enjoyed a story that much in a while. I liked how you also put in how sweet her submission was to him. It was well-rounded, showing it from his side too. Grammar could use some work but the story writing more than made up for it. Hope you keep writing; you have a gift!
I loved it! Looking forward to more! Just try to use quotation marks for dialog.
Keep on writing! You'll develop more the more you write!
I absolutely loved this, i totally got into the scene with the descriptions! Definitely write more! Great job!
I have been reading a lot of stories on here - this is a favorite category of mine and I must say - you have the makings of a great story here - I can't wait to hear more from you.
There are alot of assholes here that will make all kinds of derogatory remarks about what people write mostly because they do not have the guts to even try to write. You have a good story and it moves well. I write under Cuhullian50 if you ever want to read any of my stories you will like the theme of the Anna series.
Could do with a bit of tidying up, but the writing shows your potential.
If Cormac McCarthy doesn't need quotes for dialogue, neither do you.
Many thanks. More please!
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