I was going to say that Francine's shifts in mood seemed to be a little too extreme to be credible - going from "Tears poured down Francine's face. She trembled uncontrollably. " to "Francine leaned forward. There was a strange gleam in her eyes. A gleam she didn't trust." in the space of a few sentences. That it's all an act does serve to explain this, of course, though it then becomes a little odd that Elise would not find her mood swings to be suspicious.
Anyway, that's just something of a quibble that struck me as I was reading it. The story certainly has potential; I'll be looking out for the rest as it arrives.
by
Anonymous11/18/12
It wasn't bad. The person who left that rude comment was probably drunk... lol
English
Not fantasex.
I'm sorry you didn't like it. The other chapters are being reviewed. This first part is a setup for the rest of it.
I was going to say that Francine's shifts in mood seemed to be a little too extreme to be credible - going from "Tears poured down Francine's face. She trembled uncontrollably. " to "Francine leaned forward. There was a strange gleam in her eyes. A gleam she didn't trust." in the space of a few sentences. That it's all an act does serve to explain this, of course, though it then becomes a little odd that Elise would not find her mood swings to be suspicious.
Anyway, that's just something of a quibble that struck me as I was reading it. The story certainly has potential; I'll be looking out for the rest as it arrives.
It wasn't bad. The person who left that rude comment was probably drunk... lol
Enjoyable, but...
I would have preferred reading about Elise. ;)
definitely piqued my interest
Wild lead in to the tale.
hmmm
I so wanna fuck my daughter..
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