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English
A comanding story.
I am trying to figure whether this or Rachel will be your best work. I like where this is going a lot more than where Rachel and her mother have been. Great start and I like the two page chapter format because it allows you to get somewhere before the chapter ends.
observer
if it takes 2 pages to go from the ally entrance to a midway point with the bad guys, how freaking long will the fight take? and for that matter, the entire story? Too much majoring in the minors!!
I'm beginning to think
You're trying to recruit Marines...
Observer
My apologies to Observer below. You inadvertently stumbled onto my story, and erotic story. Obiously, you are accustomed to reading pornography, those stories with talking heads having sex.
My stories set the scene, have character development, dialogue, tension, suspense, and imagery.
I see that you haven't written a story. Perhaps if you are unhappy with my story, instead of bashing my score with a 1 vote, maybe you should write you own story. Or, I can write a story for you. Just tell me what story your want and we'll work out an appropriate fee.
May a camel never shit on your head. Have a nice day.
Susan
Normally
I like your stories, but this one is really a bit much on the descriptive side for me. I see a relly good story (and no I don't mean sex) but I would rather you got there a bit quicker. I love the retired military stories. Thanks
John 1946
Barely 8,000 words into a 60,000 word story and already you want to read about Susan sucking Dave while Dave fucks her. Is that right? Well, maybe you should read another write because my stories do work like that.
Trust me, John, by the end of chapter 4, it's all dialogue. I had to set the scene first. I had to develope Susan and Dave's character first otherwise you wouldn't know what the Hell was happening and why it was happening.
Susan is a complex character. She's not your typical bag lady. She as wants and needs.
Now Dave is equally complex. The man was a Marine for 30 years. I needed to get in his head to show the reader what I know about him and what I see. Okay?
Now, take a breath. Put your cock away. That's right zip your pants and I promise you by chapter 5 or 6, I haven't written that part yet, but I'll give you something to masturbate about. Okay? In the meantime, enlarge my photo and masturbate to my big tits and exposed cleavage but I'll be pissed if you get cum all over.
Susan
I like the story.
There is a difference between a short, jerk off story and one with substance. Like the difference between a short story and a novel. Let Susan write her own story and develop it at her own pace. I'm a Marine also.
alrighty then
Susan your crazy as hell, but i have to hand it to you.
You are funny as well,.
Dave is killing me with the third person thing but I can deal with it
You said there is more to Susan well I can't wait to see what it is.
thank you for sharing this with us.
this is cool but
3 installments and we are still in the alley... I like this story and will continue to follow it but it is a little verbose. Not saying that you should rush into some tawdry sex scene but the pacing is a bit too slow, time to push the story forward IMO.
SJP, you tell it sister!
I'm really liking how you write. I'm in this man's head and I know him, i REALLY know him. I think the naysayers should be patient and give your story a chance. You can't see a story like you can a movie, nothing is visual so you only have the written word to see the story in your head. I like how you paint SJP, keep up the great work. oh and btw, i love your responses to your commentors!
Fantastic
I enjoy reading all your stories, was not sure if I could finish this one(lol) server kept crashing on 2nd page. Took 2 days to finally get it running long enough to finish, but it was worth the wait.
Great Work as usual
Susan, your work as usual is fantastic and I love the way you tell off your naysayers and critics..
Great Reading****
Very well written. Thank you!!
praise
most definitely a good, and fascinating, read. Eager to read the next chapter.
I was wrong, still more build up
I thought because of the description in the story/poems column, the rescue would have happened by the end of this chapter. But I have to admit this reader is wound almost as tight as Dave must be.
It's time for the Rescue already!
Gordon Benett
she could have been impregnated and had a child by the time Dave threw a punch, way too long a build up. Normal attention span is 10 seconds at most. TK
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