good stuff but could of been great with a few little tweeks
IE( Mum declared she was going to go down to the hospital cafe and have a bit of dinner. My heart fluttered slightly, I realised Millie and myself would be alone in my room. When Mum left, Millie pulled the chair she was sitting on, closer to my bed. Her lips curled into a beautiful smile as she looked into my eyes.
After a few more minutes, I handed Millie the remote control for the TV and we ended up watching it until Mum returned about an hour later.
"Right, time to go I think. We've got shopping to do Mill", Mum said.)
I know its about bro/sis but the mum didn't seem to bothered about her little boy(just thought it would of been more believable if mother seemed more worried about her son)
(Maybe its just because i had similar injuries to the son & i know how it was)
otherwise thought story was good and hope you continue to write and ASAP
Some people just don't know WHATs good! Too many stories focus on sex only and forget about the possibility of love/romance. That just adds spice to the sex.
I'd like to hear what happens after he can get out of bed.
Good start. Would like to know what happens when he's well.
by
Anonymous12/26/12
Well Done
For a first time writer, you did a credible and creditable job. There seems to be a habit of some anonymous critics to bag everyone and you need to be able to ignore those who criticise for the sake of criticising and focus on those whose criticism is constructive and focues on improvement.
Keep up the good work.
by
Anonymous12/26/12
Nice first effort; please keep writing.
For the most part, writers get better, not worse. This was a good first time effort with a good premise. Consider using an editor. They aren't just for technical work; you can use a good editor to bounce ideas off of, they can critique your work and give you ideas to make your plot better, your scenes better, or your flow better.
A great first time effort. Now you have lost your virginity so to speak, you can relax a little and pull us in deeper to the story. Please keep writing.
by
Anonymous12/26/12
Sequel Please!
You've got some talent! Very sexy, keep at it!
by
Anonymous12/26/12
Great story please keep writing , but continuity is a must
Her eyes were emerald green
then
my eyes locked onto her bright blue orbs
Great story please keep writing , but continuity is a must !
Very Nice story. Also, I hope they may be a next chapter that may include the mother aswell, because it's only fair since the husband left for another women...:D
will mom catch them next time? and possibly join in??!!
by
Anonymous12/27/12
Not bad
Keep going and ignore rude anon commenters with sticks up thier ass's. They can write thier own, the only reason they were here was to be rude and inconsiderate. Cowards.
by
Anonymous12/27/12
Very Good
I thought the intro to the story was very good, just enough background to interest the reader in the characters. The sex was also good. The only thing lacking I think was the build up. You also could have worked the fear of getting caught a little more into it. Other than that, great job.
by
Anonymous12/27/12
pretty good
i think that the story flowed quite well just enough sex writing was good overall a very good story
by
Anonymous01/02/13
sisandbro
you started out and stated that this was your first story. As a first story it was good.
When readers complain about the sentence structure, I wonder if they are reading the story or checking your spelling so that they can comment.
It reminds me of movie critics who say that Stallone or Schwartenegger can't act. We don't go to see them act, we go to see the action.
The same goes for sex stories. I don't read them to check out the grammar or spelling. I read them for the sexual content. Good luck with your next story.
by
Anonymous01/27/13
this is probably the best ever erotic story i have ever read...
Wow , very good, not boring too quick! Keep up the good work
by
Anonymous02/11/13
Some thoughts.
Well-written, with great characters. Two comments I'd like to share: 1) It seems almost too implausible that a character with a crushed vertebrae can, in a week, get up to the kind of activities in this story, lol; and 2) I think it'd make for a stronger story if you spent a bit more time on build-up, e.g. the characters' history together, growing tension, ramp-up to intimacy, etc.
Regardless, you're already a good writer, and I hope to see more from you. Keep it up!
by
Anonymous03/23/13
More please
Keep up with the great writing.
I enjoyed this very much and I see others are as well.
Please continue this tale.
by
Anonymous08/08/13
Enjoyable
I really enjoyed this story. As a first submission it was great. I wish that you'd have built up the tension between the two a little bit more, but it was good. I'd love to see where their relationship goes!! Ignore the negativity and keep writing!!!
by
Anonymous11/20/13
Rookie of the year
Excellent first attempt. As some of the other commenters said, maybe a little more character development and more of a transition from siblings to lovers. A lesser injury might have worked better like a broken leg. The crushed vertebra made it a little unbelievable. But over all an excellent first submission.
English
A solid debut effort.
Aside from some typos and dialgue wording, it was an enjoyable story warranting a sequel.
Cheers
good stuff but could of been great with a few little tweeks
IE( Mum declared she was going to go down to the hospital cafe and have a bit of dinner. My heart fluttered slightly, I realised Millie and myself would be alone in my room. When Mum left, Millie pulled the chair she was sitting on, closer to my bed. Her lips curled into a beautiful smile as she looked into my eyes.
After a few more minutes, I handed Millie the remote control for the TV and we ended up watching it until Mum returned about an hour later.
"Right, time to go I think. We've got shopping to do Mill", Mum said.)
I know its about bro/sis but the mum didn't seem to bothered about her little boy(just thought it would of been more believable if mother seemed more worried about her son)
(Maybe its just because i had similar injuries to the son & i know how it was)
otherwise thought story was good and hope you continue to write and ASAP
TOTAL CRAP
DONT WRITE ANY MORE
A Sweet, Tender Story
Some people just don't know WHATs good! Too many stories focus on sex only and forget about the possibility of love/romance. That just adds spice to the sex.
I'd like to hear what happens after he can get out of bed.
Please, don't stop now.
Good Start
Good start. Would like to know what happens when he's well.
Well Done
For a first time writer, you did a credible and creditable job. There seems to be a habit of some anonymous critics to bag everyone and you need to be able to ignore those who criticise for the sake of criticising and focus on those whose criticism is constructive and focues on improvement.
Keep up the good work.
Nice first effort; please keep writing.
For the most part, writers get better, not worse. This was a good first time effort with a good premise. Consider using an editor. They aren't just for technical work; you can use a good editor to bounce ideas off of, they can critique your work and give you ideas to make your plot better, your scenes better, or your flow better.
Good Read****
Short and sexy thanks for sharing. Maybe a follow up is in the future?
Good start
This was pretty decent for a first time effort. Keep it up!
Well done
A great first time effort. Now you have lost your virginity so to speak, you can relax a little and pull us in deeper to the story. Please keep writing.
Sequel Please!
You've got some talent! Very sexy, keep at it!
Great story please keep writing , but continuity is a must
Her eyes were emerald green
then
my eyes locked onto her bright blue orbs
Great story please keep writing , but continuity is a must !
5 Stars!!!
Very Nice story. Also, I hope they may be a next chapter that may include the mother aswell, because it's only fair since the husband left for another women...:D
no pain, no gain!
great story.
will mom catch them next time? and possibly join in??!!
Not bad
Keep going and ignore rude anon commenters with sticks up thier ass's. They can write thier own, the only reason they were here was to be rude and inconsiderate. Cowards.
Very Good
I thought the intro to the story was very good, just enough background to interest the reader in the characters. The sex was also good. The only thing lacking I think was the build up. You also could have worked the fear of getting caught a little more into it. Other than that, great job.
pretty good
i think that the story flowed quite well just enough sex writing was good overall a very good story
sisandbro
you started out and stated that this was your first story. As a first story it was good.
When readers complain about the sentence structure, I wonder if they are reading the story or checking your spelling so that they can comment.
It reminds me of movie critics who say that Stallone or Schwartenegger can't act. We don't go to see them act, we go to see the action.
The same goes for sex stories. I don't read them to check out the grammar or spelling. I read them for the sexual content. Good luck with your next story.
this is probably the best ever erotic story i have ever read...
Wow , very good, not boring too quick! Keep up the good work
Some thoughts.
Well-written, with great characters. Two comments I'd like to share: 1) It seems almost too implausible that a character with a crushed vertebrae can, in a week, get up to the kind of activities in this story, lol; and 2) I think it'd make for a stronger story if you spent a bit more time on build-up, e.g. the characters' history together, growing tension, ramp-up to intimacy, etc.
Regardless, you're already a good writer, and I hope to see more from you. Keep it up!
More please
Keep up with the great writing.
I enjoyed this very much and I see others are as well.
Please continue this tale.
Enjoyable
I really enjoyed this story. As a first submission it was great. I wish that you'd have built up the tension between the two a little bit more, but it was good. I'd love to see where their relationship goes!! Ignore the negativity and keep writing!!!
Rookie of the year
Excellent first attempt. As some of the other commenters said, maybe a little more character development and more of a transition from siblings to lovers. A lesser injury might have worked better like a broken leg. The crushed vertebra made it a little unbelievable. But over all an excellent first submission.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Can We Snuggle? or
More submissions by SecretTaboo.