All Comments on 'His Monster Girls Ch. 01'

Really good for a first story. Cannot wait to see what else you are going to do.

Both to this story and writing.

There were a few minor hiccups, I think mainly you used Pull and something else instead of Eric. Nothing major.

Don't let them stop you though, great stuff and I look forward to Ch 02

I love this story so much. Please keep writing. Especially keep writing if it's a continuation :3

That's a whistle. By the way. I cannot wait for chapter 7. ;)

F-it, this gets the Gemini Story title. First time I've done it with a story, without even reading the second page! The other pages were just awesome. In summary, damn good job, keep it up, I didn't need to read the other pages to know that this story was good, but I did anyway. What I'm trying, and failing, to say is that it's a damn good story, from the beginnings of page 1.

Oh, and I think I'll have to keep an eye on you... Looks to be a diamond in the dirt.

First attempt, you have potential

I am really enjoying the story. Keep up the great work

Great start, looking forward to more :-)

just happened to see your story and decided to read it . and i really love it . hope you continue on :)

The starting was great but your story loses reality, when directly after stating that the protagonist is a virgin, he is so willing to lose it. It ought to have taken at least a few days before he'd willingly initiate sex, otherwise you could also have had the girls force themselves on him first and then revealed him to have started liking it.

That would greatly increase the realism.

Read " the professors accidental harem"(another story on this site) to get a better grasp at what I mean.

Good luck...

Also read http://www.literotica.com/s/the-captive-1 the interaction between the main hero and heroin( the creature) , will provide you aid in subtlety.

You could have benefited from the services of an editor .....that having been said .....I loved the story and so Starts a new adventure !!!!!! I really loved the sentimental story .Our hero was quite a cocksman especially for a virgin but I bet the four of them stay happy a long time .......Thanks for sharing this story with us !

Stephen J

To start, the story was great and using other ideas from other authors was a great move (in my opinion) it gave a better sense of context to yours as well as reality to multiple stories. If you want constructive criticism... Maybe a few misspellings and grammatical errors an editor can fix, but even without, the story was amazing, easy to follow, and a pleasure to read. Thank you and can't wait for sequels!

Loved the story and continue please

is that five stars really are not enough to do justice to this story

In all of my years of reading pornography, I have read VERY few submissions that held my interest as yours did! I really can't wait to see what direction you take this tale. Three parts aren't even a preface! Please continue, and continue, and continue...!

Superb character development, and you do a great job of balancing love and raw sex. Your grammar and spelling are rather rough, but not enough to give me a headache. In short, get a good editor, but well done! :)

I'm gonna go read Ch02 and Ch03 now.

Perhaps it's not politic and maybe I should be posting this as Anonymous but I have some issues with your first chapter. One is "push past her cervix and into her womb" Really? I'm sure you know a bit about female anatomy but if you don't it's just not possible. You might as well write that he fucked her nose and it came out her ear. Why spoil what started as a good story with that?

Also, try to be more careful... "He continued to pump him with her tongue" does not read well.

I'm going to give your next chapter a go and perhaps you've made the fantasy a bit more believable, which I think is especially important when writing in this genre.

Also, as someone who contributes here, I feel I've earned the right to give you sincere criticism, which I hope you'll return. But also I know what time and labor go into each submission. Thank you for your story.

asianToy

I understand asianToy's statement but you can't dwell on fucking a cervix when he's fucking a snake.

I found this story full of promise. My criticism is your spelling and obvious mistakes. It takes away from the story. I believe there are people on here who will proof read and help with this.

I really enjoyed this story and I intend to read all in this series. I hope you grow and continue to write. I think you exhibit talent and it should be used.

Your story was quite good. A bit amateur but this did not retreact from being a good story. MAOR! Please keep writing and making stories like this one, I can say for myself that it would be such a shame if there wasn't more. Good job and keep it up!

Do they have kids ? what happens now ???

do they have more sisters? do they go out in public together???

Please write more ...

Stephen J

I love sentimental stories with happy endings

I will admit this story is fantastic. A MASTERPIECE. I'm a fan by this first story. I hope it continues through the rest of the series.

you need to hear; I can only add, please listen.

I agree completely with Asian about the cervix penetration issue. I've made the same point, myself, about other stories where the same thing has been written. Unfortunately, without fail, there are some who say it doesn't matter, but they do not know what they are talking about.

If you continue writing, you will learn of something called 'suspension of disbelief', (SoD). In a nutshell, you as a writer, (especially of sci-fi/fantasy), ask the reader to suspend, or place on hold aspects of your story a person would normally not consider believable. You are asking them, (and hoping they will), to buy into your tale.

In doing so, you are allowed to create worlds, creatures and events with the only limit being your imagination and talent to describe. Well, not the ONLY, limit... There is one limit to this power granted you by your readers: you cannot, I repeat, you CANNOT go so far that you violate the SoD. You cannot describe/create things your readers will balk at believing, UNLESS do the work of facilitating the existence of said creations. Confusing? A bit.

Try this, your story here is based on three impossible creatures, part human, part cat, snake and a demon. If anyone tried to tell a person this in normal, everyday life, they'd be laughed at, and their sanity questioned. You are permitted acceptance because of the background woven in your tale, and introduction of 'magic'. A wizard was involved. Your readers then accept then unacceptable.

You get into trouble as a writer when you get into areas where you given no explanation for them. Take the cervical penetration, for example. (I should add to Asian's remark that even if a penis WAS physically capable of penetrating a cervix, from all the research I have done, it would be excruciatingly, unbearably, painful for the woman.)

Without, before hand, creating a reason for it to happen, a way for it to happen and someway to negate the pain, a reader will not and can not be accepted to believe it happening. Given a plausible reason why, a mechanism for and negate the ill effects and readers will believe you.

So, introducing the concept of SoD is not saying you CAN'T have cervical penetration, if you want it, what it says is you have to do the HARD WORK of being an author, first. Get it?

I hope so. If you don't, post a comment and I'll contact you privately.

I didn't plan on getting into SoD when I started, but comments can be like stories and take on a life of their own.

I did want to remark on the Lit 'star' rating system, and what I see as a 'star inflation' problem. People give stories 5 stars far too frequently. This is NOT a five star chapter. Five stars is perfection. I gave it four, but would have given it three, except for the 'star inflation' issue. Not because it wasn't creative, or the plot wasn't solid, or for many other positive aspects. But unless the spelling, grammar errors and other issues are eliminated, it is not a five star story.

The reason is, there are other first time stories just as creative, just as solid, but without the mechanical issues. So, if I give you five because, "I can't give you ten stars and I just LOVE the story", (tons of derision and sarcasm intended and implied in this quote), what do I give them?

This is the result of 'star inflation'.

(((Climbs off of soapbox)))

I've been wanting to bring up star inflation for a long, long time. The problem it causes is the ratings are about the only way to judge if you want to read a story. As it is, the system is barely usable for what it was intended.

Thanks for the hard work of your submission, and thanks for sharing your talent. It is appreciated. I give criticism for purely selfish reasons. I want you to become a better writer, so I can have good reading material!

Thanks. I look forward to the rest of your tale, and future submissions.

GeoD

Great story for a first. Try not to take the criticism too hard. They do it out of care. The only thing that properly threw me off was the ending words; more personal than a writers fault. All I could image after that was Harrison ford, not the bed of monster women.

interesting beginning,

but a proof reader would help, there were enough errors to be a distraction.

Please make a story about a sand worm from MGE, also a kraken

This was quite an undertaking. You've got a solid plot, it's just the holes (ahem) that need to be filled.

I read something similar to this story from a different author on this site, but I won't talk about his greedyself. However, I will say this, the way you've written this story, and, I hope future stories, I truly appreciate how you built the relationship between Eric and the horny 3. Continue to do so.

I gave you 4/5 stars, you truly need someone to proof read, someone you can trust. I finished reading this story because I wanted to know how it would end. I didn't let the grammar or misspellings, or even the wrong context of a word, put me off. So, my advice? Take some of the trash talkers and naysayers comments with a grain of salt. Those who are offering constructive criticism, take it as it is meant, as a gesture of kindness. Just be careful. Not everyone wants to help you.

Lastly, keep up the good work.

Great first story.

There were some wording mistakes. Proofread it yourself. A spell checker won't pick up incorrect words like he when it should say she.

I know this is it a bit of a hope and a prayer as no new stories have come out in a long while but this is one of the few story chains I reread on this site, they're verygood. As previous comments have stated a proof reader would help but the plot and the fact that they are monster girls washes that away. Keep writing if your reading this keyan88.

Well, perhaps not quite, but did you even read this before posting?

Well that was different and fun, I really enjoyed it! Thanks! Obviously there were tons of misspellings, he/she mixups, the ever horrid lay/laid/lie etc cringes, hehehe.

...anyways thanks for writing it, keep at it!

This was a pretty good story. Yes, you should have sought out an editor...or at the very least, a proof reader before posting, but it was a fun story. Only a single thing really bugged me and it's because I'm kind of a mythology nerd; Echidna was a singular being. Having a type of Lamia known as an Echidna lamia would be like having a bunch of gods known as Zeus gods, where each was named something else but the whole breed were "Zeuses". Echidna was the wife of Typhon and the mother of monsters in Greek myth (the Nemean Lion, the Chimera and others were her offspring). Other than that, I'm pretty copacetic with it.

Nice premise, started well, charactor development was going well, and thestory died at chapter 3. Deffinatly a dissapointment.

I liked it. Needs work on spelling, big time.

wonder if his grades improved (smirk)

All u All who are spouting off about spelling and such. Instead of pointing out the flaws why don't you offer to at least help with what ever your concerns you. why don't you be a positive force in this writer's efforts.

Re: why don't those of us pointing out problems become a positive influence on the writer?

We are...

If we were to tell the author nothing but praise, and their writing is all rainbows and puppies, we would actually be a negative influence. Only by making the writer aware of the problems in a polite and constructive manner, (NOT, might I add, merely saying it's a trainwreck, and leaving it, at that), and by letting them know what level of quality we expect as readers, can the writer come to understand what is expected of them, and, if THEY choose to do so, they can do the work necesssary to improve.

Some people struggle with tact, others don't give a rat's ass; they want their free entertainment perfect. For the most part, people comment because they want to help the writer improve, and they care enough to take the time to comment.

Short of offering to edit, what more can a person do in the comments section? On top of that, a person pointing out spelling, grammatic and incorrect word usage errors can't do more than point them out. Occasionally, a writer may have a pattern of errors, or is making a mistake they clearly don't understand. Ninety-nine percent of the time, when that is the case, some takes the time to explain the issue.

Thirdly, somene pointing out errors may already be editing for others, and 'coaching' another writer, or three, (people who are 'helpers' tend to go overboard. Even they have limits.

I've been reading and commenting on Lit stories since shortly, (~18 months after launch), after it's inception. I have pondered a number of times whether a site like this could work if it had a 'wiki' aspect. Ie: stories were editable by anyone with an editor's membership.

It could be great, and allow busy people the chance to edit here and there, when they have the time, instead of commiting to edit a series, or just a story.

The down side is when the issue/corrections are more than simple spelling, though even arguments arise over 'correct' spelling, (especially when you get those goofy spelling Brits, involved. I tease, I tease.) But, there have been spelling disagreements.

Maybe the Lit gods could try a 'wiki' section? See how it goes?

GeoD

I wasn't able to finish reading because I lost interest, but I took some notes on things I wanted to mention. Since I'm a girl who is very into anime and I enjoyed both the anime and manga of My Everyday Life With Monster Girls, I'm a little passionate about this kind of premise. That being said, I'm sorry if I'm being overly critical of your writing. I want to give you a lot of advice so that you can improve, so please write more.

Here goes:

"He wasn't the strongest person around, but him playing a lot of hockey and kept him fit and strong."

Aside from the little typo, just say fit. Saying strong again is redundant.

'"Names Eric, I just want to browse." He said politely. "Oh please do." Harland replied his voice seemed suddenly saddened;"

It should be "name's." See my later comment on putting the description of the line before the line for the old man.

"It wasn't much, just a small kitchen, a tiny living room, and his bedroom."

Don't forget to mention the bathroom. Lots of fun can be had there, too ;)

'"Look he's awake." Someone said in the most sensual voice he had ever heard."

Comma after "look."

And I'd say start the story here. If it's going to be a goofy fun adventure with three girls, you gotta start it in a way that sets the right tone. Hint at the tragedy in the boy's life rather than assaulting us with it from the get go.

Also, as a general rule, if you are going to give us a description of how a line is spoken, put it before the line so that we know how to read it in our heads, rather than making us read it twice.

"Kneeling on his bead, staring at him with the golden eyes that had startled him out of bed before, was a cat-girl."

Typo. Also rather than restating what we read moments earlier, give a new descriptor, such as "staring at him with her golden, sparkling eyes."

"The first thing that Eric noticed was her hair, it was a beautiful golden blond that matched her eyes, but the thing that really shocked him was the cat ears poking out of her head."

First of all, clearly he actually noticed her eyes first, as you wrote previously. Secondly, what color are her ears? Are they the same color as her hair? If her hair is messy, does it hide her ears? Or was it straight and neat, making the ears clearly visible?

He looked at her face (This is redundant. Just describe her face and we will understand that he is looking at it.), simply put she looked extremely beautiful in a cute kind of way (To me, this phrase does not help me understand what she looks like. If you say she has a round face, this would paint a better picture in my head.), her small nose, big eyes and cute lips spoke of innocence.

Also, if she's going to be cute and innocent and energetic, then she should talk a lot, but not in all caps. All caps comes across as annoying. Try having her ask a lot of questions and soak them in naivety. If you're going for the usual variety that harem animes go for, I would recommend distinguishing her as the young one. Also please let her be tsundere :3

"Eric nearly lost his eyes again when he saw her breasts, they were huge!"

Comma splice.

Then I stopped reading at some point. I really hate that our main character just opened up to the girls right away. It rubbed me the wrong way to just go straight from crying rivers of tears to fucking.

To anyone who hasn't yet, I highly recommend reading or watching My Everyday Life With Monster Girls. I'm sure you'll like it.

The idea of writing's there, the, dare I say, essence of literotica but there's space for improvement. Grammar, a little more beef to the story. It's a cute read overall.

I absolutely loved the story and I added to my favorite stories along with adding you to my favorite authors.

Good work and keep it up. I liked the idea of your main character winning over the ladies with honesty about his life. I am sure someone has already told you about the Japanese anime and manga My life with monster girls. Played for comedy ecchi and fan service its worth looking at. Just a small suggestion , after chapter three which I read arrange for the arch enemy and overall big bag of shit Brett to get a massive dose of painful karma from an as yet to be introduced new monster girl who will become friends later with the main group. I hope you take it under consideration in your future writing and keep up the good work.

You describe Bella as snake like, then you call her a echidna. An echidna is a spiny anteater. I don't understand.

An enchilada lamia is a mythical half human have snake creature

Looking forward to reading more!!!

why do all writers make the sex scene so not realistic,a vergin knows all about love making and always a john Holmes but still it was a good start but when he started getting every one a monster girl I lost interest in it,it turned into a party theme it lost its closnest,there was no pesonality to it no more

page 1:

>we were pulled from our world buy a wizard and bound< 'by' and not 'buy'

>"He got you're there Lily, hahaha." Bella said< should be 'you' not 'you're'

page 2:

>Wow, for a first time a say that was pretty good.< 'i'll say' not 'a say', also add ':' before direct quotation at the end of sentences

page 3:

>messaged< should definatively be 'massaged'

I don't want to dismantle your story, but instead i want to try helping you. Please just treat this as a mere suggestion. Also in general, i would advise you to use a slightly more mild aproach to future stories. While fantasies are surely very enticing, the more aproachable it is, the better it is read, in both quality and quantity. This would mean a slighly more understandable and realistic view (during the sex perhaps).

I hope my comment is helpful to a few atleast, if not for the author.

" "Ok Eric, you go and think, us three have to talk."

Us is used as verbs object.

We is used as sentence Subject.

To make it easy, break down the sentences using just the subject noun, the verb and the object noun.

.... Us three have to talk.

So Us have to talk.

Or We have to talk.

CORRECT: Ok, Eric, you go and think, we three have to talk.

"She could feel him push past her cervix and into her womb. She had multiple small orgasms just sitting there. "

I've read this type crap many times in other writer's stories. I wish folks would study anatomy before writing sex scenes.

There is no way the penis can pass through the cervix. PERIOD. It is a solid barrier between the vagina and the womb. There is a small hole which allows drainage, and a passage for sperm. That's it. No way a penis is passing through the cervix without destroying the woman's reproductive system.

So please quit writing this junk.

Regarding sex ed

I have never read sex ed for monster girls, but in context of the story, I find that particular ability acceptable, what I do find surprising is that a virgin in all ways should be able to be as good as Eric straight off the bat.

Obviously Most readers don't know how to use their imagination or are void of an imagination.

If you all want realism Why are you reading these stories, instead of living the real thing.....oh Yeah, you most of you insulting the Writers of the stories Have NO sex life of your own.

I at least admit, I have no sex life to speak of, That's only because Women are a nuisance and nauseating to try and Fuck and leave. they Bitch about 1 night stands but, they don't realize That's exactly How were men are built.

Now stop Bitching at the Writer.

As the old saying goes,

"Those who can't Teach, do, those who can't do, teach."

I can't teach for shit, So I just do.

The author updated their Bio in December 2014 but nothing since then. I wouldn't give up all hope, but I wouldn't read any further until you see more chapters coming out either. Don't torture yourself...

@dunmovyniv -

Babies come out thru the human cervix dude. Yeah, penis isn't gonna fit in normal circumstances but impossible it isn't. The bigger deal is the agony it'd cause even if a woman's cervix were dilated enough. Ejaculate (like precum) in the uterus causes extreme cramping and severe pain.

been meaning to reread this for a while, finally got around to it. still 100% the 5* story I remember, and I know it only gets better from here

But I don't have time for more commenting now; moving straight on to Ch 2.

There is good constructive criticism here. Sometimes criticism is hard to take, but I am old enough to believe that there are a lot of people who know better and are better writers than me. Just don’t take the criticism to heart, rather build on it. You did a great job for a first story and you have much potential. Keep going! I will check out the next installment/s.👍

I gotta say for your first attempt at writing a story it is fucking amazing and very well done!! I'm really looking forward to reading the next part.

"Oh yea Lily, suck me, suck my cock." What are you? A 13 old old?

I see you haven't written anything else since 2013 probably for the best

This story has a lot of potential and it's got a rhythm to it that just works I hope your still writing it's amazing.

very good read , I liked it even a couple mistakes but I loved it

The story is good, but it could use a grammar check. In a sentence, the comma should not be able to be replaced with a period. If that alters the flow of the story, use a semicolon instead. Search simple, compound, and complex sentences for proper comma use. I would also recommend you to research proper comma use and capitalization when using dialogue. I personally like it when thought are either italicized instead of put in quotes.

Awesome start!!! I'm trying to figure out where a snakes pussy is located!!!

The Echidna, aka the Spiny Anteater? Not snake-like, it's a mammal that lays eggs. Weird fetish, I guess.

This would have been better if Eric, a virgin, in the depths of despair, had plenty to learn about reclaiming his love of life from three magical women. But he suddenly he knows more about sex than they do? I don't get it. And four people sleeping comfortably in a bed that has been soaked in gallons of girl-cum? Makes no sense.

And I have to mark you down two stars for using the phrase "sopping cunt."

Love the story, so far. AAAAAA++++

For Anonymous two posts down, you've got the modern meaning correct, but seem to be ignorant of the historical context. In Greek mythology Echidna was a serpent-nymph, mate of Typhon (youngest son of Gaea and Tartarus), and mother of monsters. Essentially, she was the first Lamia, so the species name works.

Good read so far!

needs proof reading and maybe editing, but is a good story

Average

Too much

Big dick and master of sex while virgin

Fantasy But!!

Okay, there are enough comments about grammar, etc..I need not make any more...and the proofreading...

You made the comment about this being your 1st endeavor into writing erotica, & it shows; BUT, I detect the underlying emotions I think you are trying to convey! Eric's loneliness and loss; old man Harland's ability to perceive Eric's need(s), which he provides for by "gifting" the box and figurines to him, when he could have been greedy or demanding...

Eric should return to check on Harland; the comment about a 'last meal' reverberated with me...if not in the next two chapters, a return to writing that follow-up should be made!

I am liberal with my grading here; deserves a lower score, but you get (5) stars-⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐-for magnificent effort, even with shortcomings!

Wonderfull style of writing, ok without the errors it'd be better .... Logical flaws? Who cares. Next time an editor can clean that up. 5*

I agree that he should try to check up on Harlan, after that 'last meal' comment - but will the shop be there?