Jake's Story, Take Two

BRAVO!

It takes a big man to correct an injustice even an unintentional one. Consider the story fixed and a 5star

Better ending

I like this ending better and I think it was great that you didn't let him just hook up the the sister. at best it would just be a constant remender of the ex-wife Julie if he went with her and also the fact that he couldn't trust to sister to be honest and forth comming with him. can you imagine going to family get together and seeing he ex-wife and what would that do to there family. the Family would evenualy for give Julie and take to back but not with the constant reminder Jake there so it was best for everyone the he just left.

SURVIVAL ENTAILS

making a clean get way. TK U MLJ LV NV

Great story

A true survivior!

Gave you 5

But I liked the first ending better. It had more emotional impact.

A better ending

but not a better story.

I have read both now

I've read both versions and can say that I enjoyed them equally. I can see where some might feel it unfair that Jake committed suicide in the original version. To me, however, that seemed to fit his character more as well as being a much tougher revenge to live with for both Ted and Julie. But again, this version still had him keeping his balls and making the other two suffer. Although I think picking up with Pat could have exacted some revenge on Julie as well. The sweetest revenge is a life well lived and a loving relationship with a sister would be a constant reminder of Julie's loss. Thanks for both.

I Liked

Both Stories but this was a Better Get Back.

better than the first one

Well done

The last sentence was spot on.

Not sure about the category though. It might be better suited in sci-fi, after all, "good" boxed wine?

Ted made a chopping gesture. "Shut up. Don't 'Uncle' me, you little turd! And don't bother coming in to work tomorrow. You are fired." He rounded on Julie: "And you, you stupid little whore, you'd better not come in eithe

That's the best you can do to a CUM DUMP CUNT WHORE BAG WIFE who cheated on her FAITHFUL WAR HERO husband .. get her skank ass fired????? How about beating the living shit out of the slut .. Ladies you do not hit ... Cheating Whores YOU DO!!!!!!

Typical WIMP ASS British writer.

A much better end.

As far as comparisons go this one is a no- brainier. This end is much better than the original one.

Not a good start. Lazy.

"Jake and Julie Burrows had been together for 16 years, even though they were only in there late 20s."

Young love might be cute, but only when they're in their late 20s after 16 years. There, that's told you.

But I'm giving you some leeway on a story just writ this morn..it's crap. you're a cunt author and this story has everything I hate - no humor but yet thinking it has. It's bland and plastic beyond wretchedness and there's not even a punchline? Are you fucking jondoenut come back to haunt us? Fuck off and take your shit the way...

Oh ok - 3* keep trying.

Can't please everyone!

I certainly see why some of the readers (especially in this genre) would prefer this new ending.

I'm not one of them which just proves you can't please everyone.

My main criticism is the sudden change in Jakey's persona. Your first ending, while dark, fit with the persona you created, at least IMHO.

Regardless, appreciate your time/effort in sharing this with us!

Good story

I can't tell you which one I liked better because I missed the original one. But I liked this story. I'm not one for nit picking. I read a story for entertainment and this one did the job. Now let me go read the other version. Great job!

"I only evesdropped on you because"

While what she did was completely inexcusable and whorish behavior, wiretapping one's life for any reason is also way over the line. Not anywhere near the same level of course, because cheating is bottom of the barrel, but the cheap rationalization is pathetic. It's sneaky, manipulative shit, and and older "wiser" co-worker should have known better than to recommend it. Had she not cheated on him, she'd be perfectly within her rights never to trust him again and demand a divorce.

In context of the story, he didn't deserve to be cuckolded for it, but he's a stupid ass for disrespecting his wife by wiretapping her.

Wimp? Only from previous 'take!'

Those commenters who claim the previous 'take' on this story was more consistent with Hubby's 'character' are projecting his 'character' from the previous ending! There is precious little in the shared opening of these 'takes' to determine if he is suicidal (except the impression of his counselor.) In neither version do I see a rationale for others to label him 'Gimp!'

It is hard to reconcile a week-long coma for a leg injury with being moved back to the US for rehab two weeks after injury!

Better solution than 'take one' but still too fast ... it violates the Sicilian rule ... "Revenge is a dish best served cold!" Have some fun ... Draft a buddy to create a ruckus in the lobby 3-4 minutes after the cheaters go into Uncle's office. Remove her used panties from the laundry-basket for 3-4 days. Put them deep between the front seats in her car (after getting cum-scrapings) several days later! Microwave her mascara! Ask Ted to keep an eye on her for him, since Hubby's seen her driving away with the HS star Black football player! Then have the party!

Thank you

Hey Matt...

You probably already know that you can't please everyone but then there are a lot of us readers who thoroughly enjoyed it.

I liked this version so much more. Thank you. Please keep writing.

I agree with Stalking_A

It's an okay story, but to punishment what so ever. The wife was planning to leave anyway. Fuck that fantasy shit, the wife had no respect for him what so ever. Fired and divorce for getting him to lick the cum out of her. No punishment.

Great Tale

It was nice that Jake was spared in this version but the cheating whore cunt skank twat wife received no retribution. You know what? Although both versions were top notch this screams for another re-write. Try again. Why not?

Ehhh!

I confess, I don't remember take one, so maybe I missed some stuff. This story as a stand alone piece was a decent first draft. Lot of continuity issues. So how did Matt Simson know Ted fucked her on his desk? Why would her sister Pat assume at this anguished moment, he would want to publicly agree to date her? At the moment he was throwing his wife of many years over board, If I were her sister, I'd keep a low profile, and go see him privately in a few days. Lastly the whole story sequence it seems a bit immature to me. He is too goody two shoes perfect. Constant pain can kill sexual desire, make one short tempered, and married people shouldn't keep secretes from each other, especially big ones, and constant pain is a really big one. That sort of secrecy would have put a hitch in their marriage.
Her cheating might well have been in response to a perceived lack of interest in her sexually, short tempered behavior towards her etc. I find stories more interesting when the characters are more nuanced, somewhat ambiguous.
All that said, you're not a bad writer, just need a more complicated story line, IMO.

Chilley

Sort of routine revenge story

And of late one has to hunt through the archives to read revenge or reconciliation stories! The latter takes more work by the author to make it half way convincing though there are lots of readers on here who refuse to believe that reconciliation is possible. I suggest that they find some statistics on this subject. It seems that a reasonable number of couples can get past a problem. I am not saying that in the present case this applies..

Have to agree with those that felt that she was not adequately punished...

Enjoyed the first better

While the dialogue in the first lacked authenticity and came across as wooden, the story line was genuine. The ending fit perfectly with the description of Jake as an emotionally scarred soldier. That was real life, as his wife's affair pushed him over the edge. This ending satisfies the critics who constantly clamor for the bitch to be burned.

Good Read***

Thanks for sharing.

Not really anything special but compared to the other ending...

... this was like Shakespeare vs. a 1st grade book report.

much better ending

much better. THANK YOU

I prefer this version.

The first one left a sour taste; this is much better, in my view.

Hmm I LIKE this better

But I think you wrote a better ending the first time

I think the first ending was consistent with how you built the characters - his dependence on her and her love is what made him live -

This was more the BTB story most of us want to have happen so he gets to live on in spite of her stupidity - it probably was just her idiotic fantasy talking on the phone but she did say it he did hear it she should pay for it -

Booooring

Man, this was sad and boring -- and not very sexy/sexual

This is suppose to be better?

In what way, pray tell. Poor sap still ended up with the short end of the stick and cheating slut wife really didn't get any pain.

Yuck

Gave a four because it did draw me in but it also left a bad taste in my mouth.
Maybe that is what it was supposed to do.
You should write a few btb to balance it out or at least some where there is a real penalty to the cheater.

This ending

(presenting the evidence of cheating at a party with close family and friends) has been done to death (pardon the pun given the original ending). The first version was far more original.

Fair

Better than the first, just on his survival alone, but "Blah!" otherwise.

It might be trite, but I would have dialed the re-write back before the recordings and have Pat rat her sister out. Then maybe she could end up with Jake!

Better...

I mean, really guys, IT'S JUST FUCKING PUSSY! No use going off the deep end for some cheating, mendacious twat. Like others have said, the best revenge is going and living a good life. Maybe even a better life. Don't give anyone the fucking satisfaction of watching you put yourself through hell because of what THEY did to you. You younger folks, under twenty, even thirty or forty, this is really important to remember. Bullied in school? Find out what it'll take to get your dream job, and then fucking DO IT! You've got time. Don't wait for others to say "sorry". They not only don't give a shit about you, they don't give a shit about themselves. When you achieve your goals, just look back on your tormentors--be they bullies, exes, bosses, etc.--and give 'em a big god-damn middle finger salute: FUCK YOU! Then laugh, pull your sexy SO alongside you, and walk away.

Heed my advice, kids. Fuck 'em.

May be its just me...

But i see the UnCle as the most devious cunning rat here. in order to avoid being sued & protect his bank from litigation, he performs a stroke of genius move to console jake, & castigate ted & julie in public will go a long way to protect his bank from litigious repercussions, Smart opportunistic move Uncle Miles.

Jake being brokenhearted & sorrowful makes sense if julie had told him she did not love him anymore & was leaving him. A soldier is just not trained to go out willy nilly like a boar headfast, he is trained to investigate with limited resources & most importantly Limited TIME. Here Jake was lucky to learn of the depth of julie's betrayal
& then on he acted as a rational soldier.

No soldier comes home unchanged by war, war is hell, a soldier may wallow in self pity, suffer miserably, & even abuse drugs/alcohol/other negative methods to tide over his/her feelings, But a true test of a soldier is when a soldier is cornered, a soldier not only fightback, but defeats the enemy with most effective tacts, efficient & precise.

Much better ending

This is a better way to handle her betrayal. The original ending didn't make sense for a war hero.