All Comments on 'Imagine'

my yawn AS ... Repetition in poetry is often a good thing. Consider poetry like raising grapes; it takes a lot of pruning to produce better quality. There's some good content here. No vote.

however the REAL stuff is many times more potent. TK U MLJ LV NV

We need to cut him sone slack .

Thanks and love to you Ashesh9, but rest assured I am quite happy to recieve direct and honest comment, how else am I to improve? In literature as in sex and all other things positive feedback is essential ;-)

Harry the repetion is part of the structure of the poem and intended, with the aim of increasing the pace towards the end, a structural metaphor of the act of love making, but you are probably right it needs revision, by pruning do you mean.. shorter?

Grateful for all comments and feedback, and honoured and privilaged to recieve your time and attention.

Alpha*

I thought I was quite kind in my comments.

For Alpharotica,

Saw where you favorited me when I looked at recent activity on my CP. If you have not found this feature yet, you need to; it's quite helpful. Realizing I had commented on your poem the day before, I drank the cold coffee left on my desk from last night then stumbled over here.

Try this for your first stanza:

Imagine:

lying in bed

face down arms by side

breathing easily, relaxed

soft silk pillow caresses cheek

I am sitting next to you

stroking your back

gentle fingers running over

fully clothed body

whispers in your ear "I love you,"

straps fall from body

cold tang of massage oil

between shoulder blades

scent of white musk

By pruning I am suggesting more of a minimalist approach to your writing. I am perhaps the last one to instruct you in these things. There are so many here that are much better than me. Maybe you will attract their attention.

Respects always in my comments

Harry

Harry indeed that is a nice revision... if i get time i may try applying it to the whole poem, the repeating of the key words imagine, feel, breath etc was obviously an intentional device but this version has a simplicity and minimalist elegance i like a lot.

Bit like the artistry of your Haiku (http://www.literotica.com/p/aff-haiku) which I thought I posted a comment on, but cant see it now I look. Great engineering 7-5-7 as it should be and with the word Lust that i think acts as an effective Kireji balancing strangness implied in the first line with familarity in the final line. I feel if you included a Kigo, then spring would be ideal, but this is of course optional in the modern form and being about love and lust i would argue it links to the heritage of natural things underpinning the japaneese origins. All in all a pleasure to read.

replied with a pm. Cheers

In my opinion, the usual aim in poetry should be to cut away everything superfluous, everything non-essential, as does a sculptor when he looks at a block of stone and imagines all that must be chipped away in order to reveal to others what he wishes them to see, and only that.