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English
pretty awful
A very childish, adolescent fantasy, coupled with very poor grammar.
Keep going!
It's a great first attempt. Try hard for the next one, maybe get someone to proof read it and use their criticisms as building blocks. Don't listen to negative comments, it was a fun and sexy story.
This isn't just BDSM, It is snuff.
This guy hates women.
So when does it become erotic? Oh, right...never!
First off, you confuse control with being a Dom. A Dom controls not only his/her slaves but also himself and this is a trait he lacks. Second, you seem to believe that if you are able to control a person and make them do what you want, it will be pleasurable. But think about it for a moment: who wants a partner that has no mind of their own? Who has no opinion and no desire to? Who has no motive beyond orgasms? What happens when you got your first car? At first you drove it everywhere, total freedom....UNTIL responsibility sets in. Car payments, insurance, GAS, car repairs....after awhile you wonder why the bought it in the first place....see the picture. You've made the slave so malleable that you've got no where to go and then she becomes an albatross instead of a sex toy.
I think it's safe to assume...
That no one will be taking your story and posting it anywhere else.
Assumptions.
I apologize if my writing skills are lacking, this is the first lengthy bit of text I've written that wasn't intended as a letter or a rant, or part of some dialogue. Some of you assume that I'm coming from the point of view of a "dominant" individual, or that I'm someone who is abusive. Quite the opposite, I place myself in the position of the woman in this story. I fantasize about being abused and degraded in a great many ways, this being only a few.
Again, I apologize for my writing skills. I will try harder in the future.
don't apologize
it was a very nice introduction to an upcoming series ;-)
i liked it
No apologies. Your story, your vision. Grammar was good and it flowed nicely. Look forward to the next one.
Some advice.
Find someone to proofread and edit your work. The grammar was a little hard to follow especially in the dialogues. Also third person stories are easier to read written in the past tense. I personally don't care for stories written in present tense. Keep at it and don't get discouraged.
Comment
I think you are very sick and badly in need of psychiatric help.
LOVED It!
Wow! The trunk and the box thing were a little beyond my comfort zone but the rest was incredible! I'm saving this in my favorites! I am so wet and turned on right now! I can't wait for the next chapter. Would love to be your next research assistant.
Congratulations
You wrote very well. Only felt lacking a little bit of description in some places, to bring the ambiance, or to better understand what was done.
This story would be great as a beginning of a long series.
Keep writing.
Back to Writing School
Back to Writing School. Format is wrong. Story line is mixed up. Context is mixed up. A story so poorly done should be deleted. No Stars!
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