Oh my god, that ending was so incredibly unexpected and yet so perfect I can't believe it. Even if the rest of the story had sucked (and it didn't), I'd give you five stars for that alone.Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.
I'm with anonymous, very unexpected ending. I gave it a reluctant 5 because of that, else it would've been a 4.
Your sex is hot, but you need to work on your dialogue a bit. Read it out loud to yourself, and try to picture people actually saying it. Edit it from there. Yours is not bad at all, but it doesn't always flow well. Refer to where Cassie is trying to talk herself out of being apprehended-- it all just rushes out of her. If she were trying to "sell" the idea, it'd be more subtle.
But that's the only significant flaw. Pacing, premise, plot all good. And most importantly SYNTAX and GRAMMAR! Goodness gracious, some of these are pure torture to read with all the typos, misspells, etc etc. I don't think I noticed a single error of that nature in your story!
English
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Oh my god, that ending was so incredibly unexpected and yet so perfect I can't believe it. Even if the rest of the story had sucked (and it didn't), I'd give you five stars for that alone.Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.
Hot story
I'm with anonymous, very unexpected ending. I gave it a reluctant 5 because of that, else it would've been a 4.
Your sex is hot, but you need to work on your dialogue a bit. Read it out loud to yourself, and try to picture people actually saying it. Edit it from there. Yours is not bad at all, but it doesn't always flow well. Refer to where Cassie is trying to talk herself out of being apprehended-- it all just rushes out of her. If she were trying to "sell" the idea, it'd be more subtle.
But that's the only significant flaw. Pacing, premise, plot all good. And most importantly SYNTAX and GRAMMAR! Goodness gracious, some of these are pure torture to read with all the typos, misspells, etc etc. I don't think I noticed a single error of that nature in your story!
nicely done
hot sex, nice use of dialogue. Looking forward to Cassie's next adventure
yummy
I now need a job working on shop security
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