All Comments on 'The Intern Ch. 01'

Good start and not rushed. Looking forward to the next installment. Thanks

I really like the idea and the first chapter is pretty well set up- just a few grammatical errors really taking away from the story. Most glaringly... please decide if you want to write this story in first person or third person, and make sure to stick with that perspective! Read your chapters over before posting them to make sure they're consistent- you switch back and forth multiple times here and it's super-confusing.

The journal/diary entries aren't really adding anything but a sort of jarring break in the narrative at the moment- I'd either take them out completely or try to integrate them better. By that I mean make the journal itself part of the story- something the character is actively writing in or reading, not just floating entries.

Jay seems pretty well characterized and I'm hoping we learn more about John in the future. =)

But as Flame put it so well I won't add I like the theme though onto the next chapter

This first chapter is good at baiting ones interest and setting the time and place and characters life situation...