All Comments on 'Stolen Legacy'

I like the beginning of this. I can see a lot of potential in the story and can't wait for the next posting, hopefully it's soon

Lets have some more. Great start

please continue you have the gift

i didnt really like it but i would read the next chapter since i hate cliff hangers.

And want to see where you take it. One near homophone I picked up: you wrote "conceded" when you meant "conceited".

Looking forward to what's next.

I hope. I'm assuming so since you left a blatant cliffhanger. I hope to see more.

Very intriguing. You might do well with a prologue or a flashback to explain how one such as a son of a goddess is captured and taken prisoner when it is very apparent that he can more than hold his own. Additionally, I take it these fights are to the death, yet you clearly noted his action of merely disabling these women. That said, please hurry with the next chapter. I'm sure there'll be enough tidbit clues there to keep your readers eager for more. ;-)

~rewski84

Thanks for the comments. Yes this is a series and i am working on the next edition. Rewski i am going to do some flashbacks and more to explain a lot of what is going on in this world but leading up to this point is a little bit off right now. It may be some time before my next submission but i promise to get one out before i go off to basic. Thanks again to all who voted and commented.

I would suggest finding an editor for yourself, as there were a few word placement errors, (conceded, instead of conceited, for example), and there were many instances where commas were left out.

Story is interesting, but the flow is a bit jagged, like large rocks in the middle of an otherwise unobstructed river.

I'm hooked :D

Lovin this story need the next chapter

You asked for feedback, I intend it as constructive. :)

1) The opening narrative suggests a long time men have been subservient to women, yet the dialogue and attitude of the captured men suggest that domination is far more recent and they have not accepted it yet (i.e a recent defeat). Take a look at "battered woman syndrome" to consider whether the behavior of the men would have changed over time as being treated nothing but reproductive chattel.

2) Why would a gender long-established as dominant warriors use "inferior" captives against which to prove their worthiness as warriors? This would be the same as an army of men lining up some bound women, slaughtering and/or raping them, and giving themselves high-fives over their "prowess" of attacking those weaker than them. We of both genders sneer at those in our own world, why wouldn't we sneer at the women doing the same in this one?

3) The "screaming evil" depiction of the women is not impressive to me; it's two-dimensional and highly defensive, like they are only barely holding on to their composure because the men are "getting to them" and they secretly fear they are losing control and the men are imminently regaining their spines. It's not believable to me. Those in power, and that have been in power for a long time, are confident they will remain so and act that way. Only those who are on the cusp of losing that power "scream" at every Tom, Dick, and Harry around, particular slaves.

4) You present the narrator as a Mary Sue, a protagonist who can't lose and has everything under control. There's no fear, no trial, no challenge. He immediately dominates every woman who comes against him. Now, I can grant that the son of a Goddess could have some ability over mortal women, but there is no build-up to make it effective. The reader is dropped straight into "I've already been captured" scenario, and immediately given the "I'm a badass impressing everyone" without the trials of the past to show how he got there. A scene like this would serve better much later on, after some more of the character and the world are both explored. It can still serve as the "start" of the major conflict, but comes too fast (pun not intended).

My major suggestions:

Rethink your women. You are placing them in a really bad light and giving them no sympathy, no perspective, no depth. Your villain makes your hero; the better the villain, the more powerful your hero's quest to the reader.

Consider your hero's weaknesses (physical, mental, personality) and try to incorporate them in the personality and narrative. Every Superman has his Kryptonite, and one who does not is of little lasting interest in good writing because he always wins. There's no story.

You have the basis for an interesting world and character, but you're not there yet. You can do much better, especially if you genuinely love to write and to tell stories. Good luck. :)

Thanks for the impressive feedback. You made good points that i am going to work on and actually will smooth over in the upcoming installments. I only wish you would not be so anonymous so as i could thank you better.

Congrats on becoming a Literotica author.

I liked the story idea, but like anon said earlier, there were some aspects that didn't make sense. (IE: how did he get caught, why fight lowly males, where did the women's mentality come from, etc).

The grammar errors can be easily fixed with an editor, Literotica supplies a list of editors. It took me 3 tries to find one I liked, so give it a try.

There was the loose end of what happens it the woman looses to the man in a mating fight. (I assume she becomes his slave; which a dominant political power would never allow).

I liked the twist where he is the goddess's son, that made it more interesting.

Suggestions:

In a series, plot out the storyline before writing it out, it helps the story flow better.

Get to know your characters, who they are, what they think, and why they act the way they do.

Keeps the readers guessing; don't make it easy on us. We read a lot of the same old stories, we crave new ideas.

Good Luck

Yeah I am hooked and that cliffhanger is evil..

Keep the chapters coming :)

500 years, eh? I hope you have enough time to fill in the gaps before you take leave... not sure how long I can wait before another part of the story is written; I seem to have a love/hate relationship with cliff hangers ;)

So I view lit on my phone mostly now cuz I don't have my laptop with me (I've left it with the misses.) Here soon I will have to buy a new laptop so I can get the next chapter out that I'm still finishing. Almost done but boot camp and training have all but stopped me for a short time. As soon as I can the next chapter will be posted and I will make sure to leave a note on my profile page about it. Thanks for being patient.

That bomb shell was reay good. I want to read more. Please.

I love this one. It held my attention from start to finish.