All Comments on 'The Lion and the Rose'

Some thoughts:

1. If you build a rhyme scheme - stick to it - you go all over the place after about 4 stanzas.

2. Work out the meter - you are inconsistent right from the very beginning

3. Avoid awkward phrases that don't seem quite English - it's rather strange to pull some one into a liege which means obligate them to render feudal allegiance and service for instance.

4. If you want free-flowing meter untramelled by such contraints then try blank verse.

Hope this is of some assistance to you - I can see you made some effort in writing this ode and did think it through - so do try again. Sweet O.

with misuse of words and images(i.e."liege" used incorrectly, "bestow" used incorrectly, "volcanic stream entering flow" makes no sense, "rocked her soul" is this a rock opera?,"wanton pool"sounds like a bowl of soup in a Chinese restaurant, "water plunges in tryst" total misuse of tryst, " sacred pooling place" either you mean polling place or drop the ing---this ain't Finnegan's wake and my dear quill, you ain't Joyce--when in doubt use a dick-tionary

these are the best two lines, maybe less is more--

"Where all things possible bloom with fragrant mist

Where the rose fully opens as it's caressed"

Previous comments covered all my observations. Content: gave you a B,

Rhyme scheme: F, Cadence: F, Perseverence: A, Vote: None

Welcome to Lit.

her skin is so soft...

The king has many legions

to serve all parts of his region