All Comments on 'The Death of Innocence Ch. 01'

Your story begins interesting enough but the lack of dialogue and long paragraphs slows your pacing. A flashback when she can barely breathe is probably not likely either. Leaving us to wonder at her family's reaction could bring a reader back for more so that was smart. Good luck!

You've got my attention.

Your writing style needs some work, but it isn't too distracting, and you successfully conveyed the shame and fear she feels.

I am very intrigued by the world you've created and want to know more (just how does a girl get kidnapped off the street and paraded in front of her folks like that with no one interfering?) And I also look forward to her future experiences with her mistress.

I did not turn on voting as I do not care for competition. Love it or hate it I only put the story up because I wished to share. Thank you for the more constructive feedback though. Believe it or not I HATED English class (creative writing etc) with a passion when I was in school. So now I just sort of write from my head, rather than writing to any one defined style. Hence the long paragraphs and lack of dialogue. I tend to find when I try to include dialogue I start to break apart the mental image. I enjoy having the image so that I can imagine whatever I wish being said. Sometimes I curse my imagination but at other times its something of a gift. Oh I HAVE got another 4 parts to the story. I have yet to submit them here though as I wanted to test run with part 1.

With any luck the next 3 chapters of the story will be posted up soon, my writing is a little sketchy I suppose but please bear with me. I never claimed to be a professional, I simply wanted to share.

I am glad you decided to share more of this story and look forward to reading them.