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Very good start... but only that
I like your writing, and the direction this is going.
However, I was just starting to get into the story when it ended.
I think there is an ideal length for an online chapter: long enough to immerse the reader, but short enough to be read in a few minutes. I'd recommend something like 4-5 times the length of this first chapter.
I'll give you a 5 for this installment because it's very promising, but I'll be looking for more in the next installment.
No Force?
I'm sorry, but hypnosis seems a little too much like force for me. Would be interesting though if Julie somehow turns the tables!
Enjoyed the story backgound
I liked how you set up the main characters in your story. Your wager was a fun twist, but the induction of Julie was a little too quick , simple and easy for me. I like how you've set yourself up to twist this story to whatever your heart desires. Joe
Interesting beginning
I like your beginning - and the shortness of the presentation. Keep it going. I look forward to chapter 02.
Short
Wayyyy too short
Premise seems illogical. Is a twist coming?
I don't understand why a straight girl would want a lesbian slave. Is she lying to us when she says she's straight? Or is some kind of twist coming, where we find that Julie has already mind-controlled the narrator into seducing her?
Not sure where this could go, but you've got me asking questions, so obviously you've succeeded in getting my interest,. I'll keep watch for the next chapter.
Glad you guys like it. :)
For the people claiming it is too short, I am trying to avoid my normal tendency of rambling on for far too long. Plus...this is my first submission. I didn't want to share it if no one would read it. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be posting this to an empty audience or one that hates my writing style.
And when I said no force I meant like tying the person down and forcing them, nothing like that.
Also, as of writing this comment, Ch. 2 is pending, so hopefully it will be up within the week.
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