All Comments on 'And His Sisters Ch. 01'

Switched back and forth between 1st and 3rd person.

Needs an editor. A lot of mistakes in here. The characters are one dimensional. He just pervs on them and they fall in the sack. There's no tension, or even romance. It's just them suddenly getting it on. You switched 1st to 3rd person. Also, this Dom / sub thing drops out of nowhere.

There's some good writing here, and I like the premise with the bus, him teaching at their school, and the faire. I see a lot of possibilities. But I the mistakes and characters are such that I'm not sure about wanting to read more.

The characters are like cardboard cut-outs, there's no realistic dialog, the dom/sub thing came out of nowhere, at the very end. The story needs editing, and you really should let the sentences flow, it's a very choppy read, it reads like an 8th Grade 'What I did on my holidays' paper

What can I say that hasn't already been said.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I will take them to mind as I work on chapter 2, and my rewrite of chapter 1. All of your comments are very helpful.

More and more of this please and soon. 10/10.

Cunt lapping sex maniac Lanc's uk

Not a bad first start. The only thing I would like to see is that he gets both twin sister's pregnant at least 6 times each. Thanks.

Hehe I'm so glad our little stories inspired you to write this. It's coming along nicely and I'm excited to see what other elements you throw in there from our stuff.

For someone who opens with I teach English at Meadow Wood University in Halfinrock, you should know the difference between your and you're, patience and patients. That spoiled if for me.

Obviously you do not know the value of proofreading or editing. This story could be so much better if proper grammar and word usage was used. I doubt you teach English and write like a fifth grader. My students in the fourth grade do much better.

you need to stop sniffing the manure and oil fumes and go back to school, delete the series and when you graduate grade school rewrite it using a good editor then repost them as is they suck.

you write like some one from the middle east that has english for a third language. time to delete and rewrite using a GOOD EDITOR it would help if you also went back to school and LEARNED HOW TO WRITE PROPERLY.

Some of the comments that you received struck me as unduly harsh. I agree that you need an editor, and that egregious misspellings detract from the tale. It seemed as though you were rushing through writing this, which is fine for a first draft, but not for a story that you want to post. Your protagonist is a presumptively well-educated, mature man, but the story did not come off as though that was the person who wrote the tale.

First, spend more time on the erotic part of the story, if that is indeed your focus. A bit more foreshadowing would certainly not hurt. Second, are the sisters protected from pregnancy?...no indication of any thought either way, which is something that I believe to a man of that age, and particularly an older brother, would be a crucial matter.

I see some talent in your work, but you perhaps need to write a detailed outline before you actually write the story, and consider all of the implied factors involved in this complex relationship. This story would have benefited from being a bit longer, for the reasons noted above.

I do look forward to reading your later works. Good luck and keep it up (no pun intended.)

Just to let you know that it a good story and don't listen to people who haven't the guts to tell their names just keep writing and have fun with it . And to any one who uses Anonymous as their and not a member name should practice what they preach and not put someone down that is trying to write a nice story

The switch from first person to third person after the first paragraph was disconcerting. Indeed the rest of the story read as if it would be better read from the authors perspective. There were a couple of other hiccups (patients should be patience) but, on the whole it was a good read and well laid out.

Before I am bashed for being anonymous... Please keep in mind that I read literotica on my phone and can't sign in to leave my name. I will leave my email address at the bottom for anyone that wants to send me a comment.

........

Now, on to my opinions. I like the plot. Very well thought out. My ONLY gripe is it seems a bit short for my taste. A longer story with a little more buildup to the erotic parts would be nice. I tend to get frustrated with 'one pagers' is all. You are spinning the tail nicely otherwise.

As for the others that have ridiculed and insulted you... I KNOW there are other stories on this site that are just HORRIBLE, but there is no need for insults to ANYONE that is trying to intertain us. Writing stories takes alot of work and time. Not to mention the courage involved in posting stories of this topic. It sickens me to see people getting insulted by someone who is cowardly enough to hide.

My email as promised for anyone who wants to reply to me about my post...

demonicbear.tb@gmail.com

Jeeze Louise, these are lame. Bad writing, scant sex, no plot, holes you could drive a truck through.

deleted from my favourite author list.

Before today, I have never left a negative comment, but this is my second of the day. I make structure and grammer mistakes in my writing, but I hope nothing like this. The lack of build up and tension and lack of proof reading says "lazy author" to me. I didn't make it to the end of the story. Two 18 year old virgin girls naked in a guy's bed begging him to fuck them is hardly interesting reading to me. If I had a go at this plot, I think I would tell it from the perspective of one of the girls. That way, I could let the reader in on how they arrived at the decision to have him pop their cherries, and how they formed the plot to seduce him into doing it. They would tease him for a long time until he would agree to anything lol.

Gina