All Comments on 'The Device'

your story is interesting and likable i guess but you need to work on your writing and probably find an author. i'm not trying to be derogatory but your grammar and style is somewhat amatuerish

Its a good start to what looks to be a promising story. I think what shuriken was trying to say was to find an editor. The grammar and technical issues can be helped with a proper editor, but as for your style, I like it. Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to Chapter 2.

The category for this is Mind Control.

I liked where you were going but work on how you switch from one thing to another because you went from the device that can make someone do something and then you said it had a slave function... confusing.

Good creative story. May be easier to break into 2 or 3 chapters and submit over a few days when you have something this long. I had a hard time revising and polishing a chapter I wrote because it was about this length and it seemed like too large a task when I just wanted to get the damn thing posted. You used "incest" twice in the tags, and this seemed similar to what you'd normally see in the mind control section. You'd probably get better ratings in those sections because that's where people go for a story like this.

yeah sorry i meant you need to find an editor but still good story...and it probably should be in the incest category

An issue with your story was the speed at which it progressed, i mean, if you'd taken your time him hooking up with his sister could have taken a good 3 pages and been alot better. Also, alot of the conversations could have been fleshed out, for instance when he commanded his sister to get birth control, she just said "yes sir", there was no description of her tone, which would have made her brother telling her to not feel sad more sense.

Try reading your story out loud and see if it sounds right, that's usually a good way to improve on grammar.

This is just an adolescent wanker fantasy. No character development, no interesting ideas, badly written dialog, and frankly, boring sex.

One of the worst things I've read on Literotica.

I'll be honest. There are seeds of a good writer in here. Some of the dialogue is believable and the descriptions are passable. But the entire thing reads like it was written by a 14 year old just discovering girls.

The 'device' is just a thin excuse for whatever random superpowers you want to fantasize about having, the characters get no development and, as stated before, the sex is kinda boring.

I would like to know if you are over the legal age to be reading/posting on this site. No judgement, but you aren't good enough of a writer yet to pass for an adult.

Please don't think I'm just being mean. I think you have some potential, but you need to focus more on character development and story structure. Your writing seems kinda all over the place, and you need to tighten it up.

This will sound strange, but read some of the Dresden books by Jim Butcher for tips on how to write a male supernatural power fantasy. If you want tips on sex, well we have a whole section devoted to that here.

Writing, as with all things, takes practice. Keep trying and you will get better.

Good luck!

it is a good story , please continue the story please .

You have a talent for adding way too many details to the unimportant bits and skipping right over them in the sex bits. Work on those and you got something good!

Fantastic Writer Please Wright More RW