I love these type of story's. It's simple yet very erotic in visual display. But I guess I'm just the type of person who likes this kind of thing. Anyways great job and loved the way you wrote this you should start a novel or a book and turn it into a erotic romance or something that involves with this kind of thing I would totally read it.
by
Anonymous03/18/13
You change tense half way through
Ok story, nothing we haven't seen before, but sloppy craftsmanship. Tense change half way through.
The tense change was deliberate, intended to increase the immediacy, and indicated by a visual break in the text. Nothing to do with craftsmanship.
by
Anonymous03/19/13
Made my pussy wet, only thing missing was a few of the on lookers having permission to join. If I was the back alley whore I'd want a pussy or cock in my mouth while I was getting used. Bravo on a job well done
Thank you all for your feedback. I continually struggle to balance good writing and erotic content, so it's helpful to hear reactions.
by
Anonymous03/21/13
feedback
I like some exhibitionism, but like it more subtle. This was kind of rubbed in everyone's face, hers and the audience. The amount of yelling and use of so much crude language was also a bit much. The way he played with her was hot but then it seemed too wide screen dolby sound. I would love the same type of scene not watered down but toned down. If she were flashed to just a few but very inappropriate people....if much of the dialogue were snarled and gasped into each other's ear, then the EXPLOSIVE DECLARATION! Construct dialogue which clearly demonstrates her submission but does not rely on strings of 'dirty words' for the sake of cheap humiliation. Dirty language is often erotic but true submision can be demonstrated so thoroughly and absolutely without it or with a minimalist approach. I really hope you write more.
Thanks, that's helpful. This story was written for someone specific a long time ago, and it was specifically commissioned to be crude and filthy and loud. I totally agree that erotica in this genre can be much more subtle.
English
Well written, but not my cup of fun. Negativity doesn't get me wet.
Not Bad
Not a bad job, not necessarily my cup of tea, but good.
Loved it!!
I love these type of story's. It's simple yet very erotic in visual display. But I guess I'm just the type of person who likes this kind of thing. Anyways great job and loved the way you wrote this you should start a novel or a book and turn it into a erotic romance or something that involves with this kind of thing I would totally read it.
You change tense half way through
Ok story, nothing we haven't seen before, but sloppy craftsmanship. Tense change half way through.
@ Anon
The tense change was deliberate, intended to increase the immediacy, and indicated by a visual break in the text. Nothing to do with craftsmanship.
Made my pussy wet, only thing missing was a few of the on lookers having permission to join. If I was the back alley whore I'd want a pussy or cock in my mouth while I was getting used. Bravo on a job well done
Thank you all for your feedback. I continually struggle to balance good writing and erotic content, so it's helpful to hear reactions.
feedback
I like some exhibitionism, but like it more subtle. This was kind of rubbed in everyone's face, hers and the audience. The amount of yelling and use of so much crude language was also a bit much. The way he played with her was hot but then it seemed too wide screen dolby sound. I would love the same type of scene not watered down but toned down. If she were flashed to just a few but very inappropriate people....if much of the dialogue were snarled and gasped into each other's ear, then the EXPLOSIVE DECLARATION! Construct dialogue which clearly demonstrates her submission but does not rely on strings of 'dirty words' for the sake of cheap humiliation. Dirty language is often erotic but true submision can be demonstrated so thoroughly and absolutely without it or with a minimalist approach. I really hope you write more.
@ Anon
Thanks, that's helpful. This story was written for someone specific a long time ago, and it was specifically commissioned to be crude and filthy and loud. I totally agree that erotica in this genre can be much more subtle.
Oohh god, I would sell my soul to be treated like a dirty worthless whore like that !!! Please continue with the great work !!
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