Its a good start but, i recommend creating a story where the plot is little more realistic. The part where she told him 'she wanted to fuck' is a little too fictional. There was no build up, no suspense. It was just a dive into sex. It was as if both characters had no morals. Incest is supposed to be a suppressed thought. A story where there are hints in the plot before either party mentions anything sexual is more desirable than a fictional story where characters both characters dive into sex without creating a realistic event.
I'd give this story a 8/10 because it was great but the dive was a little too unreal. :)
You have so many strong points, that I'm not going to concern either of us with listing them all:
-Excellent technique with the visual description of your female character (IMO there is absolutely nothing worse than when a writer "glorifies" the characters physical appearance description. A rather realistic perspective of how a man would see a female and describe her, was used; merely based on sitting next to her in a vehicle. KUDOS
-Coinciding with my last point, great job on NOT including a physical description of the male character (IMO sometimes not having to read through a story to find out that "Channing Tatum" is a lead role, haha!).
-As simple as this more than likely is, IMO I feel that the little bit of comedy at the end concerning the bubblegum was absolutely priceless. It's the little things that can actually make, or break a story.
Things I would like to see either edited, or utilized in writing future stories:
-See if smoothing the transition between establishing that both parties want[ed] to interact sexually, and then the events leading up to the physical interaction between both parties helps at all (Maybe building more of the sexual tension between them, prior to them engaging, will help. Of course you should not rush a great thing, however the speed of things very well can be utilized to determine the pace of your story.
-Build more back story of your interacting characters (Of course it is not recommended to go into vast detail, or entirely too much depth concerning your character's back stories. If you use something interesting from your character's childhood brought forward with more description it could be an adequate way to go. An example of this will be the "first kiss" question from character to character, and how that question played out between them; either in dialogue, or, hindsight).
MOST IMPORTANTLY
-Before a story is "posted/published/submitted" be certain that you have read the "final works" for proofreading purposes, a minimum of 2-3 times, just to be sure.
-The following error from the story is actually silly to not have picked up on...
"ENA took my clothes off completely and she was just wearing panties. ENA laid me on my back and she got on all fours. She teased me by licking the area around my dick and sucking on my balls. "Mmm, I love feeling of your precum on my neck." I then pulled off her jeans in one hard swipe. I could clearly see....) her pants magically appeared back on her body after she was stripped down to only her panties remaining. Obviously not a big deal at all, just stating that when people actually do catch onto silly mistakes, it does take away from some of the story's plot.
-Lastly, simply try to avoid referencing charcter's names after establishing who each character is, and what's that character's name. I find it too often that when referencing an individual character, the writer will use the name of the character more often than not; rather than using a pronoun such as "she" or "her" in it's place.
d[-_-]b
Summing it all up:
-The great news is I was absolutely left as a reader wanting more! As soon as I reached the end of this "Chapter/Episode/Story", I seemed to be starving for parts of a story I hadn't received, though. -___-
by
Anonymous10/08/13
so-so
wheres the background? wheres the character development? the plot was weak and rushed and there was no end. all in all a sloppy first draft that needed a lot of work before being posted.
Best line in this story: "Well I always wanted to fuck you. Take me somewhere I can scream."
After that, I knew things were about to get good.
Bravo, my friend, for making cousin-on-cousin sex so believable in this story. My only complaint was that the sex went TOO fast. Believe me, if I was the main character, I'd make sure that I'd have enough time to do all sorts of nasty things with my hot cousin. A second part of this story would be great.
English
My Feedback for future stories
Its a good start but, i recommend creating a story where the plot is little more realistic. The part where she told him 'she wanted to fuck' is a little too fictional. There was no build up, no suspense. It was just a dive into sex. It was as if both characters had no morals. Incest is supposed to be a suppressed thought. A story where there are hints in the plot before either party mentions anything sexual is more desirable than a fictional story where characters both characters dive into sex without creating a realistic event.
I'd give this story a 8/10 because it was great but the dive was a little too unreal. :)
silly errors, but good work!
* * * * * Overall a really good story * * * * * *
You have so many strong points, that I'm not going to concern either of us with listing them all:
-Excellent technique with the visual description of your female character (IMO there is absolutely nothing worse than when a writer "glorifies" the characters physical appearance description. A rather realistic perspective of how a man would see a female and describe her, was used; merely based on sitting next to her in a vehicle. KUDOS
-Coinciding with my last point, great job on NOT including a physical description of the male character (IMO sometimes not having to read through a story to find out that "Channing Tatum" is a lead role, haha!).
-As simple as this more than likely is, IMO I feel that the little bit of comedy at the end concerning the bubblegum was absolutely priceless. It's the little things that can actually make, or break a story.
Things I would like to see either edited, or utilized in writing future stories:
-See if smoothing the transition between establishing that both parties want[ed] to interact sexually, and then the events leading up to the physical interaction between both parties helps at all (Maybe building more of the sexual tension between them, prior to them engaging, will help. Of course you should not rush a great thing, however the speed of things very well can be utilized to determine the pace of your story.
-Build more back story of your interacting characters (Of course it is not recommended to go into vast detail, or entirely too much depth concerning your character's back stories. If you use something interesting from your character's childhood brought forward with more description it could be an adequate way to go. An example of this will be the "first kiss" question from character to character, and how that question played out between them; either in dialogue, or, hindsight).
MOST IMPORTANTLY
-Before a story is "posted/published/submitted" be certain that you have read the "final works" for proofreading purposes, a minimum of 2-3 times, just to be sure.
-The following error from the story is actually silly to not have picked up on...
"ENA took my clothes off completely and she was just wearing panties. ENA laid me on my back and she got on all fours. She teased me by licking the area around my dick and sucking on my balls. "Mmm, I love feeling of your precum on my neck." I then pulled off her jeans in one hard swipe. I could clearly see....) her pants magically appeared back on her body after she was stripped down to only her panties remaining. Obviously not a big deal at all, just stating that when people actually do catch onto silly mistakes, it does take away from some of the story's plot.
-Lastly, simply try to avoid referencing charcter's names after establishing who each character is, and what's that character's name. I find it too often that when referencing an individual character, the writer will use the name of the character more often than not; rather than using a pronoun such as "she" or "her" in it's place.
d[-_-]b
Summing it all up:
-The great news is I was absolutely left as a reader wanting more! As soon as I reached the end of this "Chapter/Episode/Story", I seemed to be starving for parts of a story I hadn't received, though. -___-
so-so
wheres the background? wheres the character development? the plot was weak and rushed and there was no end. all in all a sloppy first draft that needed a lot of work before being posted.
More please!
Best line in this story: "Well I always wanted to fuck you. Take me somewhere I can scream."
After that, I knew things were about to get good.
Bravo, my friend, for making cousin-on-cousin sex so believable in this story. My only complaint was that the sex went TOO fast. Believe me, if I was the main character, I'd make sure that I'd have enough time to do all sorts of nasty things with my hot cousin. A second part of this story would be great.
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