House of Syn Ch. 03

It's a difficult thing ...

to describe the internal person, the complexities. I have the same problem, albeit milder. There are conventions of punctuation for prose, but they are poorly suited to what we are trying to convey of our characters.

Todd, Beth, Angel, the cop, and the orderly are so vastly and fundamentally different but the words are all dressed the same bland uniform.

You needed to be more like your characters, to write them as they deserved. Perhaps you meant to make the reader work for the depth, but I hope not. That's just spiteful. Perhaps you meant to tease, but that dance is practiced and this looks too virgin.

I suggest you take this story, copying it many times, and use it as a coloring book page. It has elements that the normal prose forms ( bland colors ) can't make distinct and usually obscure or hide. Rebel. Experiment. Research. Get feedback. Rinse and repeat. 'K?

I gave it four stars. The story deserves five, but you made it four. You knew better - I *know* you did - but you didn't do it. That pisses me off a little.

Yeah, I'm a father. I want to see the glory within you shine out, scintillating and iridescent through sharp edges and polished facets. I can't do right by you - by being kind.

What an incredibly dark, disturbing, heartbreaking story that sucked me in and made me finish reading it. The first two chapters were so shockingly intense with their tale of violent release, both sexual and bloodplay. Like a person gawking at the scene of a bad wreck, I wanted to look away but couldn't. This chapter was as 'in your face', but in an emotional way. Amazing how you were able to keep that same intensity, just change the focus.
My only problem was at the end, describing the court battles and anger, it became confusing figuring out who was doing what to who. Not sure if your emotional intensity to convey the story overcame your writing or there was no oversight to correct mistakes, but took me out of the story trying to mentally correct pronouns to understand what had happened. There are small issues throughout with spelling, missed words, etc., but able to overlook and stay with the story.
I realize you wrote this awhile ago, but if you read this and are able too, maybe go back and do some editing to straighten it out. Too good a story to stumble at the end.

Dark & Shocking

Welcome to Hell on Earth .
will the last person to leave , please turn the lights back ON.

Very Intense

These 3 stories were big, ugly, dark and terrible. The way they were intended. I gave them all 5 *****.