Dumb kids. She is old enough to realize that sooner or later they would get to that point and should have had a stash of rubbers somewhere.
I lover the immediate jump to action but you could have created a little more developement of the situation.
Were parents ever really that dumb that saving money is so important?
Good start, waiting for ch 2.
by
Anonymous03/26/13
dove
You cannaot know english very well to use DOVE. Dove [s a pgeon type bird.LOOK AT THE PAST TO DIVE
by
Anonymous03/26/13
No, "dove" as a past tense verb form is a perfectly valid English word to use... "cannaot", on the other hand...
by
Anonymous03/26/13
excellent
Wher's is part 2
by
Anonymous03/26/13
Dove
Always find it hilarious when someone tries to correct another person's grammar and proves how ignorant they are. 'Dove' (rhymes with 'rove' and 'cove') is the past tense of 'dive', you freaking moron.
Alright, so... as a fellow writer my issues for myself always fall to making the beginning of the story believable... this, was not. There was no build up, which made it very hard for me to even take the page seriously. If you're going to write again, try to have a bit more build up to make the progression believable.
by
Anonymous03/26/13
Where's the build-up?
Three paragraphs in and she's got her tongue down his throat? Why didn't you just write 'He liked his older sister, she liked him, he fucked her, they came, the end'? No wait, you did. Terrible effort, rushed to get to the sex without bothering to even try telling a story. No stars
by
Anonymous03/26/13
I too so enjoy seeing people's ignorance outed!!! I suspect English is not even the morons first language, yet he tries to correct the author. Obviously I could be wrong, if I am it only makes him look worse. THINK before you comment, lest you enjoy wallowing in your stupidity like a sow in the mud. The old adage still holds, "Ignorance is Bliss"!!!
What's literotica's policy on rewriting this one for this poor author...am thinkin' about it! Good setting, potential for good characters + decent plot; this deserves a do-over.
Thanks for the feedback. I know it was fast but that's the way it came to me. It's a work of fiction and you people act like I butchered a story of you and your own sibling. Read it for what it is. If you like it fine. If not that's fine as well. If you want to try to write it over be my guest.
by
Anonymous03/27/13
unbelievable
It really did start way too quickly. They both would have been nervous because they've never done it before with a sibling. I didn't get wet because it wasn't realistic. She needed to be a bit slurry and a tease and he should have been annoyed then resistant because it's his sister then just raped the fuck out of her or pursuaded her. You could have kept it fast if theywere step siblings because they wouldn't feel like they were breaking too many rules since they aren't actually related.
by
Anonymous03/27/13
well...
For a first time writer not bad. Yes it was rushed, which takes away from the believability of the story, but it held potential. I would love to read a longer version because I liked the idea of the giddy sister. There will always be nay sayers so keep your head up and keep writing.
Good story.
Nice to have a quick story that's not long & drawn out.
To all you whiners......STF-UP!
Need more stories like this, keep it up. HAHA
by
Anonymous03/27/13
They don't know what they're talking about ...
I absolutely loved this :D granted it could have had a little more buildup but that isn't really important, i really hope you continue this :D Favorited and 5 starred :D
She used to climb into bed with me all the time, and most of those times I was up with morning wood. Things happened between us but the details of that aren't as exciting as this story. Short and sweet; sometimes that is just how it happens.
I'm with Kaidman, I'd love to read more... Especially if the sister end's up pregnant...
by
Anonymous06/24/13
since this is your 9th story you would think you would have learned by now.
you need more buildup in character development, background and plot. this is not a postable story it is nothing more than a story outline that needs major work before posting. delete and rewrite using a good editor then repost it and then it might be worth reading.
by
Anonymous11/27/13
STOP POSTING PARTIAL STORIES
always start at the beginning add a middle and then the end. put some background and character development and a better plot. as is this was nothing more than a story outline and was in no way postable. time you stopped wasting our time and the sites space with your crappy stories.
English
Great story
Dumb kids. She is old enough to realize that sooner or later they would get to that point and should have had a stash of rubbers somewhere.
I lover the immediate jump to action but you could have created a little more developement of the situation.
Were parents ever really that dumb that saving money is so important?
Good start, waiting for ch 2.
dove
You cannaot know english very well to use DOVE. Dove [s a pgeon type bird.LOOK AT THE PAST TO DIVE
No, "dove" as a past tense verb form is a perfectly valid English word to use... "cannaot", on the other hand...
excellent
Wher's is part 2
Dove
Always find it hilarious when someone tries to correct another person's grammar and proves how ignorant they are. 'Dove' (rhymes with 'rove' and 'cove') is the past tense of 'dive', you freaking moron.
Haven't this horny idiots heard...
...of the morning-after pill?
Well done
One in the oven 1st time keep it up
Umm...
Alright, so... as a fellow writer my issues for myself always fall to making the beginning of the story believable... this, was not. There was no build up, which made it very hard for me to even take the page seriously. If you're going to write again, try to have a bit more build up to make the progression believable.
Where's the build-up?
Three paragraphs in and she's got her tongue down his throat? Why didn't you just write 'He liked his older sister, she liked him, he fucked her, they came, the end'? No wait, you did. Terrible effort, rushed to get to the sex without bothering to even try telling a story. No stars
I too so enjoy seeing people's ignorance outed!!! I suspect English is not even the morons first language, yet he tries to correct the author. Obviously I could be wrong, if I am it only makes him look worse. THINK before you comment, lest you enjoy wallowing in your stupidity like a sow in the mud. The old adage still holds, "Ignorance is Bliss"!!!
Rushed
This story plot was rushed to much and you lost my interest in it. Take a little more time to introduce the characters not wam bam thank you mam.
ditto
I agree Wanker
I'm with ya, Wanker...
Not enough, then too much, too soon. Then done.
What's literotica's policy on rewriting this one for this poor author...am thinkin' about it! Good setting, potential for good characters + decent plot; this deserves a do-over.
Thanks for the feedback. I know it was fast but that's the way it came to me. It's a work of fiction and you people act like I butchered a story of you and your own sibling. Read it for what it is. If you like it fine. If not that's fine as well. If you want to try to write it over be my guest.
unbelievable
It really did start way too quickly. They both would have been nervous because they've never done it before with a sibling. I didn't get wet because it wasn't realistic. She needed to be a bit slurry and a tease and he should have been annoyed then resistant because it's his sister then just raped the fuck out of her or pursuaded her. You could have kept it fast if theywere step siblings because they wouldn't feel like they were breaking too many rules since they aren't actually related.
well...
For a first time writer not bad. Yes it was rushed, which takes away from the believability of the story, but it held potential. I would love to read a longer version because I liked the idea of the giddy sister. There will always be nay sayers so keep your head up and keep writing.
Whiners.
Good story.
Nice to have a quick story that's not long & drawn out.
To all you whiners......STF-UP!
Need more stories like this, keep it up. HAHA
They don't know what they're talking about ...
I absolutely loved this :D granted it could have had a little more buildup but that isn't really important, i really hope you continue this :D Favorited and 5 starred :D
They don't know what they're talking about
that comment was made by me sorry didn't realise i wasn't logged in :)
Reminds me of my sister
She used to climb into bed with me all the time, and most of those times I was up with morning wood. Things happened between us but the details of that aren't as exciting as this story. Short and sweet; sometimes that is just how it happens.
dynamite
nice story I would love to read a follow up
Agree
I'm with Kaidman, I'd love to read more... Especially if the sister end's up pregnant...
since this is your 9th story you would think you would have learned by now.
you need more buildup in character development, background and plot. this is not a postable story it is nothing more than a story outline that needs major work before posting. delete and rewrite using a good editor then repost it and then it might be worth reading.
STOP POSTING PARTIAL STORIES
always start at the beginning add a middle and then the end. put some background and character development and a better plot. as is this was nothing more than a story outline and was in no way postable. time you stopped wasting our time and the sites space with your crappy stories.
Re: "STOP POSTING PARTIAL STORIES"
No
Good while it lasted...
we need more. Five Stars!
Damn
I applude you my good man.
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