Great story, but a lot of punctuation errors and run-on sentences. There was also a lot of repetition early on. You should consider a proofreader or editor.
by
Anonymous04/14/13
You write this as though you're gabbling away to a friend. This is a STORY - slow down, put in some punctuation, pay attention to writing style, make it expressive . . . you know . . . make an effort?
by
Anonymous04/23/13
Awesome
this was an incredibly hot story! did you say yes to the video? you should make a video and send it to be i would love to see you guys in action! plz send me a video soon i would ove to see you suck his cock !! email me: danyg311@gmail.com ill be waiting for ur video(:
I do agree with other comments that the story did lack a functional structure, but as a story from the heart of the writer it was wonderful.
If all you care about is sharing your dirty little exploits, then keep 'em cumming, otherwise, take your time, space out the action, avoid repetition and learn proper dialogue formatting. Otherwise, great!
English
needs proofreading
Great story, but a lot of punctuation errors and run-on sentences. There was also a lot of repetition early on. You should consider a proofreader or editor.
You write this as though you're gabbling away to a friend. This is a STORY - slow down, put in some punctuation, pay attention to writing style, make it expressive . . . you know . . . make an effort?
Awesome
this was an incredibly hot story! did you say yes to the video? you should make a video and send it to be i would love to see you guys in action! plz send me a video soon i would ove to see you suck his cock !! email me: danyg311@gmail.com ill be waiting for ur video(:
Great!
Loved the story, very hot, wish it had been me!
I do agree with other comments that the story did lack a functional structure, but as a story from the heart of the writer it was wonderful.
If all you care about is sharing your dirty little exploits, then keep 'em cumming, otherwise, take your time, space out the action, avoid repetition and learn proper dialogue formatting. Otherwise, great!
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