I've been tricked, decieved & hornswaggled yet again by this author !
Well the Chicago Cubs fan refrain goes " wait till the next year " ...err story. Ok- so the wife's a cheater, but just once. She is repentant & terminated said affair before she knew she was outed. In addition, Carla err Bella wants to leave the work environment that led to her carnal lapse. To forgive or incinerate, that is the question.
There's a sick but fascinating, twisted tale to be written there. PAGEING Dr. Slirpuff ...DQS ?
I saw that coming from the opening line. Unfortunate thing for him is that if he kicks her to he curb, and he should, she already has someone new to go to. Probably should have stopped at the lawyers on the way home. Why didn't she wear her rings? Why would one need to be "available" in order to investigate fraud?
I have to wonder if you were in the special forces because the twist at the end was placed with the precision of a sniper. The question is was it a head shot or in the gut? And what's worse you left it up to the reader to decide, so I'm setting here holding my head and my gut thinking what a horrid person you are and I cant wait for you next story.
I'd really like to see you develop this the rest of the way.....Is it possible for the marriage to continue on, or should it? I would like some closure to this tale of deceit (on her part). Do they reconcile, do they split, does she go to Jack?
This was pretty much revealed in the first paragraph.
The set up was too quick and too obvious. If you had slowly dropped hints, it would have worked better. Meeting a buddy that was a pussy hound that moved back into town and never met the wife was all it took when it was delivered in a sentence or two. Nicely written, but a bit obvious.
I like short stories with surprise endings, particularly when it is done in a different way than the run of the mill ones. I did feel a little like it was going to end badly for the narrator when it was in LW but neither Jack or Carla were married. You played the surprise well except for that which is somewhat unavoidable. Good title too.
I think it is a complete story. I would not mind a sequel, but it is not needed. You did what a good short story does, offer an slice of life in a fresh and interesting way.
It would be another interesting story if Carla / Bella told it from her side, since it is clear that she had already figured out that the double life of her second life as an undercover investigator has made a mess of her first real life. She has already recognized the irony of her own advise, that she is not as she seems and can't be trusted.
Like another person says in the comments, being undercover didn't require her to pretend to be unmarried unless she felt like using her charms was okay to get the results. Was that her own decision, or forced on her by her handlers? The decision to play the single female card hurts her credibility to say the affair was a momentary error. But most damning was still wearing the knot. When telling Jack to move on, she could have given the gift back to him before she went home to try to rekindle her own life. Her husband would have still known, but it would have been a "little bit" better. Still wearing it at the end, in front of her husband, makes the affair even worst.
Well written tale, would have added one more word to then end. Funny you should ask, Carla.
by
Anonymous04/05/13
Dont let it end here!
The story is great but the hanging ending is driving me crazy!
by
Anonymous04/05/13
Married how long?
And he folds his arms and scowls in understanding. This trick ending is a sloppy knot, celtic or other. Private security agent indeed doing Fed work. Spy craft galore. And the husband having no idea what type of work the wife did. No previous cases ever discussed. She could have been a kindergarten teacher for all he knew.
Wasn't expecting that ending till she confessed she was married then the 'I'll bet she his wife' thought came to mind. Interesting story but I'm not a fan of open ended stories. I need the closure dammit!!!!
by
Anonymous04/05/13
Sure, it's a twist, but it's an obvious twist
Harddaysknight pretty much wrote what I was planning to post. The title itself is a dead giveaway.
Excellent. Gave it 5 stars that says it all.
However, there can be a part two in this as this can be continued.
by
Anonymous04/05/13
unsatisfied
Can't rate it high. Nice writing but this kind of ending is just too "cute". I feel the author has an obligation to the audience to end a story better.
I hate stories with no ending so I won't rate this one. I know some people are ok with it, but I'd venture a guess and say you just really pissed off a big chunk of readers. This is a JPB type story and he turned off all comments if that tells you anything!
And well executed short story. 5 stars. The old college buddy was a sap. Honestly, if my pal started telling me a detailed play by play of his fucking, I'd have stopped him right there.
OK, I have to admit that I knew as soon as he said "Her names is Carla," that Jack was screwing the narrator's wife. But even being certain of that, the story was engrossing. I wanted to see how it could have happened. Too short for one of your stories, but well told and long enough to do that well.
come on don't leave us hanging. give us a sequel to find out how it went. great story
by
Anonymous04/05/13
nice story telling
unfortunatelly you put this in the wrong category. it's either non-erotic or with really black humor it's Adult Humor & Satire. you ask why ? she is just another whore who can't keep her legs closed. so when ever she does some under cover she might bring home HIV disease, Hepatitis, chlamydia or another std.
so where is your loving pal ?
you don't know what's erotic ? maybe you should write some other place then.
by
Anonymous04/06/13
I was shocked at the ending
Anothr great job of craftmanship. It's difficult to turn out an "O. Henry," like you consistently do. One of my favorite authors.
As usual,and more than realistic.Bella isn't a slut,working undercover like that forces people to lead a false life,and stuff like this happens. She ended up breaking it with jack,but what happens now? I would like to see how frances ends this, if hubby sees that the work could be partly to blame...or was there more to this? On the other hand this can stand as an O Henry special.Dumping on the wife misses the point...
As a flash story, it needs no ending. The reader can surmise that this marriage is headed for trouble. Of course, the only reason to write more would be to describe some unforeseen outcome. Perhaps he decides to not let on that he knows, understanding that his wife willingly chose her husband over the one night stand. That certainly would not be an easy decision, and it would make for an interesting sequel. Wonderful tale.
You write well and with excellent use of the language. The story turned the sequence of the typical cheating story around and left the consequences to the reader's imagination. Original and entertaining. What more could the reader ask. Five stars.
English
Clever
Clever, wry, well-written, but I found it unsatisfying since it is more of a lead-in to a story rather than a complete story.
What are the odds?
Man, I was feeling all sorry for Jack, and then comes the ending!
Argh, I want to know what happened next! You can't leave it at that! @_@
I've been tricked, decieved & hornswaggled yet again by this author !
Well the Chicago Cubs fan refrain goes " wait till the next year " ...err story. Ok- so the wife's a cheater, but just once. She is repentant & terminated said affair before she knew she was outed. In addition, Carla err Bella wants to leave the work environment that led to her carnal lapse. To forgive or incinerate, that is the question.
There's a sick but fascinating, twisted tale to be written there. PAGEING Dr. Slirpuff ...DQS ?
A delight.
Thank you.
good
Neat twist at the end. Just the thought of it could tie a guy up in KNOTS. Keep up the good works.
Nice read!!
Thanks for sharing.
Quite a twist
Farkin brilliant !!
I saw that coming from the opening line. Unfortunate thing for him is that if he kicks her to he curb, and he should, she already has someone new to go to. Probably should have stopped at the lawyers on the way home. Why didn't she wear her rings? Why would one need to be "available" in order to investigate fraud?
You have a twisted mind, I love it and hate it.
I have to wonder if you were in the special forces because the twist at the end was placed with the precision of a sniper. The question is was it a head shot or in the gut? And what's worse you left it up to the reader to decide, so I'm setting here holding my head and my gut thinking what a horrid person you are and I cant wait for you next story.
Thank you
Run away! Fast as you can!
This bitch won't stay true to any man.
Rest of the Story
I'd really like to see you develop this the rest of the way.....Is it possible for the marriage to continue on, or should it? I would like some closure to this tale of deceit (on her part). Do they reconcile, do they split, does she go to Jack?
This was pretty much revealed in the first paragraph.
The set up was too quick and too obvious. If you had slowly dropped hints, it would have worked better. Meeting a buddy that was a pussy hound that moved back into town and never met the wife was all it took when it was delivered in a sentence or two. Nicely written, but a bit obvious.
Cute, original
I really liked it. Worth a 5.
Not really so funny after all
I like short stories with surprise endings, particularly when it is done in a different way than the run of the mill ones. I did feel a little like it was going to end badly for the narrator when it was in LW but neither Jack or Carla were married. You played the surprise well except for that which is somewhat unavoidable. Good title too.
I think it is a complete story. I would not mind a sequel, but it is not needed. You did what a good short story does, offer an slice of life in a fresh and interesting way.
It would be another interesting story if Carla / Bella told it from her side, since it is clear that she had already figured out that the double life of her second life as an undercover investigator has made a mess of her first real life. She has already recognized the irony of her own advise, that she is not as she seems and can't be trusted.
Like another person says in the comments, being undercover didn't require her to pretend to be unmarried unless she felt like using her charms was okay to get the results. Was that her own decision, or forced on her by her handlers? The decision to play the single female card hurts her credibility to say the affair was a momentary error. But most damning was still wearing the knot. When telling Jack to move on, she could have given the gift back to him before she went home to try to rekindle her own life. Her husband would have still known, but it would have been a "little bit" better. Still wearing it at the end, in front of her husband, makes the affair even worst.
Cool and refreshing
A different look at cheating. Good job.
I liked it.
A sad tale but well written.
Kind of an Ooops situation.
Well done
Well written tale, would have added one more word to then end. Funny you should ask, Carla.
Dont let it end here!
The story is great but the hanging ending is driving me crazy!
Married how long?
And he folds his arms and scowls in understanding. This trick ending is a sloppy knot, celtic or other. Private security agent indeed doing Fed work. Spy craft galore. And the husband having no idea what type of work the wife did. No previous cases ever discussed. She could have been a kindergarten teacher for all he knew.
Blindsided
Wasn't expecting that ending till she confessed she was married then the 'I'll bet she his wife' thought came to mind. Interesting story but I'm not a fan of open ended stories. I need the closure dammit!!!!
Sure, it's a twist, but it's an obvious twist
Harddaysknight pretty much wrote what I was planning to post. The title itself is a dead giveaway.
Excellent
Well done Francis; I was thinking that's where you were going and you did it well.
lovely, thank you
very neat story
unsatisfied
gave it 5* but still feel unsatisfied. One comment said it all "...., Carla". Now I will continue to wonder "what if ...".
NO WAY!!!!
BLINDSIDED IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. Thank you for an incredible story on all levels.
Loved the story saw it coming but still a good read
Great story....
Did not see it coming.....nice surprise.
Fine work
5 stars
Excellent.
Excellent. Gave it 5 stars that says it all.
However, there can be a part two in this as this can be continued.
unsatisfied
Can't rate it high. Nice writing but this kind of ending is just too "cute". I feel the author has an obligation to the audience to end a story better.
Well, since you did...
...that is how a great erotic tale is told. XLNT!
Seriously.
Good job - well done.
I hate stories with no ending so I won't rate this one. I know some people are ok with it, but I'd venture a guess and say you just really pissed off a big chunk of readers. This is a JPB type story and he turned off all comments if that tells you anything!
loved it 5
IF you were FOOLED by this ...
then you are probably a Moron. That being said this was VERY good and one of this author's best if not his Best story ever.
But as HDK said this was well telegraphed
Saw it coming a mile off, even if it was sneaking in cotton-padded slippers whilst wearing an invisibility cloak...
Well Done!
Since we are left to draw our own conclusion. I choose to not make it a deal breaker.
More?
This one is begging for a part 2 !!!
Great Story
Thanks and please keep on writing.
4 stars
Could have been 5, if it had continued a little longer. I always enjoy confrontations in cheating wife stories.
clever
And well executed short story. 5 stars. The old college buddy was a sap. Honestly, if my pal started telling me a detailed play by play of his fucking, I'd have stopped him right there.
Outstanding storytelling
OK, I have to admit that I knew as soon as he said "Her names is Carla," that Jack was screwing the narrator's wife. But even being certain of that, the story was engrossing. I wanted to see how it could have happened. Too short for one of your stories, but well told and long enough to do that well.
great cliffhanger
come on don't leave us hanging. give us a sequel to find out how it went. great story
nice story telling
unfortunatelly you put this in the wrong category. it's either non-erotic or with really black humor it's Adult Humor & Satire. you ask why ? she is just another whore who can't keep her legs closed. so when ever she does some under cover she might bring home HIV disease, Hepatitis, chlamydia or another std.
so where is your loving pal ?
you don't know what's erotic ? maybe you should write some other place then.
I was shocked at the ending
Anothr great job of craftmanship. It's difficult to turn out an "O. Henry," like you consistently do. One of my favorite authors.
Class. Loved it.
Great storytelling, the way you peeled the layers away in the final quarter. 5*
A great tale
As usual,and more than realistic.Bella isn't a slut,working undercover like that forces people to lead a false life,and stuff like this happens. She ended up breaking it with jack,but what happens now? I would like to see how frances ends this, if hubby sees that the work could be partly to blame...or was there more to this? On the other hand this can stand as an O Henry special.Dumping on the wife misses the point...
End?
Needs ending
Loved it
As a flash story, it needs no ending. The reader can surmise that this marriage is headed for trouble. Of course, the only reason to write more would be to describe some unforeseen outcome. Perhaps he decides to not let on that he knows, understanding that his wife willingly chose her husband over the one night stand. That certainly would not be an easy decision, and it would make for an interesting sequel. Wonderful tale.
Good Stuff
You write well and with excellent use of the language. The story turned the sequence of the typical cheating story around and left the consequences to the reader's imagination. Original and entertaining. What more could the reader ask. Five stars.
Nicely Done
It was obvious where the story was going, but it was fun to take the trip.
Nicely done. Thanks for your hard work
Woodmanone
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Funny You Should Ask or
More submissions by FrancisMacomber.