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English
WOW!!!
You've made an impressive start with your first story and I'm sure I'm not the only reader who is waiting impatiently for the promised continuation.
Get cracking PaulieJay !!!
Distracting slang
Well, is she a Rude girl, or is that something the male fantasizes about? And, "shit on the cool September night", I have no clue what that means. Aside from the distracting slang, not bad, keep at it.
Sloppy
You switch between tenses within a single sentence, use punctuation haphazardly, and you're just trying too hard to be 'cool'.
This might be something, but get an editor.
Cool and hot september-night
Should the story be edited? Yes.
Every story should be edited in my opinion, because oneself misses some mistakes that readers can stumble upon.
Is it readable like it is? Yes.
It is even a very nice read in my opinion, spontaneous and hot.
The desires, disillusions and being-in-two-minds about something are appealing and plucked out off everyday life. Some made me giggle.
A boy-meets-girl story, not of the sweet romantic kind, but of the hot-wanting-to-fuck-her kind.
Well done PaulieJay.
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