Extremely well written , great storiy line, leading to many more adventures with horny sister and possibly mom. Good grammer and spelling, all in all a very good first time and well worth reading. Keep writing, looking forward to next installment.
by
Anonymous04/15/13
Mobile phones 60 years ago?
Mobile phones 60 years ago?
by
Anonymous04/15/13
WTF
This happened 60 years ago, and she had a cell phone. WOW, it must have been the worlds first phone. Don't give up your day job. Why don't you throw in a space alien in your next story. Try another hobby.
I suppose I should have made clear that the older David is looking back from somewhere circa 2065. In my first draught I set this first adventure in August 2005 but when I edited it before submission I took the dates out. Apologies for the oversight.
by
Anonymous04/15/13
Shows promise but has issues
It seems a few got hung up on the anachronistic mobile phone, but I assumed from that detail that the action is set in the present and the opening paragraph looking back on it is set in the future. (It's not too hard a concept to grasp, guys).
But that said, the opening paragraph itself is totally unnecessary and should have been left out UNLESS you are going to tie it back in somehow in upcoming chapters. Foreshadowing is useful in story telling, inserting random information for the hell of it is not.
I was a little confused by how they could both be 18. You didn't say they were twins (that I noticed) so I'm assuming they're "Irish" twins born less than a year apart, which does happen. It also surprised me a little to have them just dive right into touching each other and the fact that she didn't mind him hearing her talk dirty to her boyfriend. But you alluded to a history between them of fooling around that was not presented here. That's OK, but it has the feel of coming into the story in the middle instead of the beginning. You could have explored this more and built up to it instead of having them jump right in.
Your descriptions are lush and full of lots of detail, which is good. But it comes off a little campy when done WITHIN the dialog. Him thinking it is one thing. Her saying ALL of that is a little harder to swallow. People really don't speak that way, even when they're trying to talk dirty.
The final complaint I have is one of personal taste, so feel free to ignore it altogether. I enjoy a naughty brother-sister tale, but have never been able to get into the whole oedipal thing with parents. But there are a LOT that seem to enjoy it, so to each their own.
You have talent as a writer and I would encourage you to continue. But your story structure and logical continuity could use a bit of work. All in all, not too bad.
Thank you for your comment which I did enjoy reading.
As you pointed out there was a history of some fooling around between David and Helen (without touching each other) in the original draft but before submission I took it out as it may have violated the rules (they were seventeen when they discovered that being watched masturbating by their sibling aroused them).
As to the "Irish Twin" comment I actually address this in chapter two directly. They are twenty eight minutes apart with Helen having been born first and she uses 'baby' or 'little ' brother as a tease.
I do take your point about the continuity but each chapter begins with David looking back at specific incidents within his relationship with Helen.
The issue of David's mother is addressed early in chapter two and without wishing to give too much away Oedipus doesn't physically feature.
Thank you for taking the time to write your comment which was clearly well thought out and (to my mind at least) a very well balanced piece of reasoned opinion.
by
Anonymous04/15/13
Bleh
You need to use spacing. Maybe the Enter button isn't working? Huge paragraphs always ruin a story. I stopped after 4 paragraphs when I saw what was coming.
good start was quite hot and don't let the naysayers get you down its show of poor reading skills if you needed it broken up more by spaces to read I liked it and it got me hot reading I'm looking forward to more
by
Anonymous04/23/13
Mobile phone
Mobile phones 60 years ago must have weighed a TON !
by
Anonymous01/17/14
not that good
the long paragraphs make it hard to read. by deleting the background you make this seem rushed and unrealistic which when added to the extra long paragraphs and confusing lack of dates ruins the story. this would have been better unposted or posted on a site that allows under 18 sex.
English
Exellent
Extremely well written , great storiy line, leading to many more adventures with horny sister and possibly mom. Good grammer and spelling, all in all a very good first time and well worth reading. Keep writing, looking forward to next installment.
Mobile phones 60 years ago?
Mobile phones 60 years ago?
WTF
This happened 60 years ago, and she had a cell phone. WOW, it must have been the worlds first phone. Don't give up your day job. Why don't you throw in a space alien in your next story. Try another hobby.
I suppose I should have made clear that the older David is looking back from somewhere circa 2065. In my first draught I set this first adventure in August 2005 but when I edited it before submission I took the dates out. Apologies for the oversight.
Shows promise but has issues
It seems a few got hung up on the anachronistic mobile phone, but I assumed from that detail that the action is set in the present and the opening paragraph looking back on it is set in the future. (It's not too hard a concept to grasp, guys).
But that said, the opening paragraph itself is totally unnecessary and should have been left out UNLESS you are going to tie it back in somehow in upcoming chapters. Foreshadowing is useful in story telling, inserting random information for the hell of it is not.
I was a little confused by how they could both be 18. You didn't say they were twins (that I noticed) so I'm assuming they're "Irish" twins born less than a year apart, which does happen. It also surprised me a little to have them just dive right into touching each other and the fact that she didn't mind him hearing her talk dirty to her boyfriend. But you alluded to a history between them of fooling around that was not presented here. That's OK, but it has the feel of coming into the story in the middle instead of the beginning. You could have explored this more and built up to it instead of having them jump right in.
Your descriptions are lush and full of lots of detail, which is good. But it comes off a little campy when done WITHIN the dialog. Him thinking it is one thing. Her saying ALL of that is a little harder to swallow. People really don't speak that way, even when they're trying to talk dirty.
The final complaint I have is one of personal taste, so feel free to ignore it altogether. I enjoy a naughty brother-sister tale, but have never been able to get into the whole oedipal thing with parents. But there are a LOT that seem to enjoy it, so to each their own.
You have talent as a writer and I would encourage you to continue. But your story structure and logical continuity could use a bit of work. All in all, not too bad.
Response to shows promise
Thank you for your comment which I did enjoy reading.
As you pointed out there was a history of some fooling around between David and Helen (without touching each other) in the original draft but before submission I took it out as it may have violated the rules (they were seventeen when they discovered that being watched masturbating by their sibling aroused them).
As to the "Irish Twin" comment I actually address this in chapter two directly. They are twenty eight minutes apart with Helen having been born first and she uses 'baby' or 'little ' brother as a tease.
I do take your point about the continuity but each chapter begins with David looking back at specific incidents within his relationship with Helen.
The issue of David's mother is addressed early in chapter two and without wishing to give too much away Oedipus doesn't physically feature.
Thank you for taking the time to write your comment which was clearly well thought out and (to my mind at least) a very well balanced piece of reasoned opinion.
Bleh
You need to use spacing. Maybe the Enter button isn't working? Huge paragraphs always ruin a story. I stopped after 4 paragraphs when I saw what was coming.
dynamite
good start was quite hot and don't let the naysayers get you down its show of poor reading skills if you needed it broken up more by spaces to read I liked it and it got me hot reading I'm looking forward to more
Mobile phone
Mobile phones 60 years ago must have weighed a TON !
not that good
the long paragraphs make it hard to read. by deleting the background you make this seem rushed and unrealistic which when added to the extra long paragraphs and confusing lack of dates ruins the story. this would have been better unposted or posted on a site that allows under 18 sex.
what
no chapter 2
damn
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