Magic Words

Sweet story...

I like your story. However, there were mistakes that should have been caught by your editor.

You're no author.

Eatable? I know for a fact that Australians use 'edible', like the rest of the English-speaking world.

??????????

To many things to list. No development of any kind in plot or characters. Not even a good sex scene. To bad the story didn't hold any magic in it.

Needs a real editor

Yes, there was no character or plot development. The switch between points of view was an epic fail as it was inconsistent. The sex scene lacked any crescendo. You could have told this story in just a few sentences: "My sister is hot and I wanted to fuck her. She felt the same way, so we did it and be both had orgasms. I want to do it again." However, you should not stop writing. If you aspire to be a writer, keep trying and try harder.

Good First Attempt

Well done Islandic! A very good first attempt. Ray

holding the applause

At the beginning, I thought this had such promise. (And I liked the physique of your female.) But then the seductive suspense you took so much pain to develop just evaporated. There followed just an average description of sex. Don't stop trying.

No one says stuff like this

"Your there. I can feel your touch, deep inside just at the apex of my core."

c'mon man!

ugh

It kills me how people on this site think they are just God or something. They think they can just tell somebody what they should or shouldn't do. They think they can just say whats good or not. I would LOVE to see some of the stories they have wrote. Oh wait, they don't. They just sit here and criticize everybody else like they're Lit Gods themselves. dick heads -_- I like the story and it was good. Good job!

That`s the point!!!!!!

previous guy - that`s kinda the poimt of the comments. they are there to allow feedback and advice from readers, experienced writers to the beginner, as in here.

Points of view

Good basic idea, very stilted with "Jill" sporadic interjections. They break up the rhythm of the story and don't add enough counterpoint to be worthwhile. If you're going to use multiple viewpoints, make sure you flesh them out, or don't do them from main storyline people.

Hmmmm!

If your character is supposed to a sucessful writer he should learn english grammar and spelling. It's sneaked not snuck and you're not your. And damn is not spelled dam! I probably could have gotten into it more if he were a taxi driver or a trash collector, not a high dollar writer. You give yourself too much credit. Stick with trash collecting.... One star.

Wow!

Just one word comes to mind, "Horrible". There are too many problems to begin listing. Spelling, grammar, POV and the list goes on. Try this; read a book once in a while....

I agree with the above comments. The idea of the story is hot, but nobody would believe the writer is a professional--based on evidence presented here.

Even though the story had a few problems with point of view

I thought it was a very sweet and erotic read.

I can visualize her moving in with her brother and living with him as his wife, and enjoying making love to him and loving the experence of living his house as his wife on the beach.

Thanks for the read.

.

Only a trollzoid like digdaddyrich would think this was a "good read."

His comments are almost identical on all his posts. What troll.

Love the concept.

Please have an editor review your next submission.
And by the way, "snuck" is a perfectly acceptable past tense of the word "sneak."
Look it up.

'Anony' wankers try to rule.

For the narrow minded and environmentally constrained, 'edible' and 'eatable' are perfectly acceptable, as is 'snuck', a common usage expression in past tense of 'sneak'.
Your customs are not necessarily the only way.
Funny (peculiar) how the most vitriolic don't seem to have anything to say in support of their supposed superiority, by openly available submissions.
Sod em all, I found enjoyment in this effort.

You need an editor

I enjoyed your story, but was pulled out of it a few times when you misspelled something or went to third person when you were working in first.

I liked the premise but all of the spoken words were very mechanical, like something a computer voice might say. You have to read the out loud to yourself to see it. How do you read? I actually hear the voices in my head when I read (for the most part) so reading sentences that don't use contractions, like everyone naturally uses, sounds fake.

...a few other out of place things like "take it to the next level" ...I can't groan enough at that one! Lol. Or "i now know that it just has to happen" ...or the groaner.."give me your man meat", rofl!

Like I said, great premise, just couldn't really get into it with the other issues. Thanks for writing though.