First off where the hell in Japan is Tokio, never heard of the place. Then a lap is something that is formed when sitting not while standing, get a editor
by
Anonymous05/20/13
Not great...at all
First off, in the beginning of the story you say the main characters name as if the narrator is outside the story, then you go to "I" format. Then, towards the middle of the story, you start saying "you" instead of her, and then switch back to her. you really need to maintain P.O.V.'s
Thanks everyone. I'll admit that after posting when I re-read it I saw the p.o.v. goof in the middle for which I apologise. But it was too late to fix that.
John McClane isn't the main character's name, it's Bruce Willis's from the first Die Hard where he's skulking in the bathroom with his shoes off trying to fend off jet lag. I'll either use less movie references next time or make them clearer.
As for Tokio, instead of Tokyo, I thought that this was the less Westernised spelling but again, next time I'll do more checking.
Please keep the comments coming, they help me avoid slip-ups in future submissions.
English
Dontcha
Just love the Japanese???
Great story and live the point of view
Lee
Learn Geography
First off where the hell in Japan is Tokio, never heard of the place. Then a lap is something that is formed when sitting not while standing, get a editor
Not great...at all
First off, in the beginning of the story you say the main characters name as if the narrator is outside the story, then you go to "I" format. Then, towards the middle of the story, you start saying "you" instead of her, and then switch back to her. you really need to maintain P.O.V.'s
Learning As I Go Along
Thanks everyone. I'll admit that after posting when I re-read it I saw the p.o.v. goof in the middle for which I apologise. But it was too late to fix that.
John McClane isn't the main character's name, it's Bruce Willis's from the first Die Hard where he's skulking in the bathroom with his shoes off trying to fend off jet lag. I'll either use less movie references next time or make them clearer.
As for Tokio, instead of Tokyo, I thought that this was the less Westernised spelling but again, next time I'll do more checking.
Please keep the comments coming, they help me avoid slip-ups in future submissions.
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