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English
Hot!!!
More chapters?
Good work, but...
This is very well written, overall. However, the 16-paragraph switch from past tense to present, beginning with "Looking down, wanting to watch her work, he pulls her hair up and holds it out of the way" is jarring. Some authors do that believing that it adds more intensity to sex scenes; it doesn't. All it accomplishes is to break the flow of your narrative for the reader.
As ...
... GnomeDePlume!
I agree with the Comments made!
Good
Good story, agree that the shift from past to present, and then back to past tense is disconcerting. Also, a bit more detail - her appearance, dress, etc., would help.
Promising Start
Superior to most of the first-timers on this site. Plausible story line and very few words used improperly. And definitely hot.
I liked it
I liked the story, and you never said he had a 18" dick, and she had 58HH breasts, or something stupid. You let us fill in the blanks and I appreciate that, myself. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the thoughts
Just among my first attempts. Any suggestions/help appreciated. My volunteer editor Sophia Lane is trying to help me. I'll keep trying.
Well done!
A very good story, well told. Keep up the good work.
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