Nice setup. Although you might want to correct the reference to altitude (height), which is mainly used for airplanes. All the same, looking forward to more soon.
I like the setting and the prepatory work is appreciated. But you could use an editor.
Also the presentation has large blanks. So the captain has a heart attack...and next the ship is sinking in water deep enough for it to totally submerge. What happened to it - that it just is sinking? Wouldn't a collision have woken our stars up? If it struck something...the island would be closer than hours of swimming. And the ship's mast is the thing that goes up high. He may have hit the ship's helm.
Interesting start but you have a few issues with he and she near the end. How can he ask her if she can swim and the response is yes but my shoulder is broken and then have her fix his dislocated shoulder on the beach?
I'm sorry, but I found this story totally ridiculous, which didn't allow me to take it seriously. How can a ship change 'altitude' because the captain knocks the mast? I could go on but see no point because further comments are similarly implausible. Writing good dialogue is a challenge. It is a challenge you have yet to meet. Basically I think the problem stems from too short a contribution which prevents any development of plot or characters. You seem determined to flag up the race issue to the point that it is so stilted.
Your set up of this story left a lot to be desired. No major cruise line is going to allow a ship of this size to be handled only by one person, You didn't do your research. Also, how did she know the guys name when they were introduced on a whim. Before you submit something like this, get someone to read your work.
This is an okay start. I agree with some of the other reviewers that this could've used a bit more development. What type of cruise is this? How many people are aboard the ship? Is it a small boat with 20 people? How did Amar and the girl miss the lifeboats? There were some typos that made the dialogue confusing.
You should definitely continue this story. It has a lot of potential.
Thank you guys so much for the comments! This is my first ever submission and first real stint at writing. I enjoy the feedback and am fixing my writing based on the criticism and am currently working on Chapter 2 so bear with me!!
Thanks
by
Anonymous06/12/13
wow
that was so badly written I got about 15 lines down... maybe read a few books and then think about writing your own stuff
So I think your story has a hell of a lot of potential but you need to find yourself an editor. Also you have to do some research in order to make your story understandable and clear. The way it is now leaves a lot to be desired but I don't think you should let bad reviews stop you. Just be willing to make Google your best friend while you're writing. And if you can't find an editor proofread the crap out of it before you try to post.
This needs abit of work but I think you can do it.
Not really liking Jasmine, she comes off a little self centered, but maybe I'm hating lol. So I'm going to suggest you focus of developing your characters. I think you lacked in that area because everything was so rushed. It seemed like within two paragraphs she met Amar and then they were suddenly on an island. The errors aren't too bad, an editor or triple read through would fix that. But, I can't wait to see where you take this.
Another thing,
I am so tired of people being so rude on here! There are other ways to make suggestions rather than insulting someone's intelligence in one sentence. Please don't let them get to you.
I like where you're going with this, BUT i don't know how she knew his name and you mixed up hers and his lines a bit. but..I like this castaway thing it happened so fast but eh.. keep it up, maybe the second chapter would be better. and please describe this Amar person a bit more the only think you said was he has short cut military hair and dark brown eyes. come on i need more details, but yeah great start now ima go look for some castaway stories since you only have 1 chapter
Once again, thanks for the feedback. With the second and third chapters i am trying to clear the air on some of the confusion and slow down the pace. I appreciate the constructive criticism, and have incorporated it into my second chapter which i just submitted. Also please remember that this is a fictional story, so to be extremely rude is ridiculous seeing as this story is an extension of my imagination and not me lol.
Hope you enjoy reading!
by
Anonymous06/15/13
don't stop
I like your plot very much though you could explain how jasmine knows Amar and work on your character's to make them more interesting. so besides details I loving your story and can't wait for the rest you should try doing it from your character point of view so us readers can connect with them. *0* till next chapter
English
Sounds like this will be interesting.
Yes
Keep going please. I'm hooked already 😄
Great start
Nice setup. Although you might want to correct the reference to altitude (height), which is mainly used for airplanes. All the same, looking forward to more soon.
I like the setting and the prepatory work is appreciated. But you could use an editor.
Also the presentation has large blanks. So the captain has a heart attack...and next the ship is sinking in water deep enough for it to totally submerge. What happened to it - that it just is sinking? Wouldn't a collision have woken our stars up? If it struck something...the island would be closer than hours of swimming. And the ship's mast is the thing that goes up high. He may have hit the ship's helm.
Good luck. Am anxious to see where you take this.
Interesting start
Interesting start but you have a few issues with he and she near the end. How can he ask her if she can swim and the response is yes but my shoulder is broken and then have her fix his dislocated shoulder on the beach?
I'm sorry, but I found this story totally ridiculous, which didn't allow me to take it seriously. How can a ship change 'altitude' because the captain knocks the mast? I could go on but see no point because further comments are similarly implausible. Writing good dialogue is a challenge. It is a challenge you have yet to meet. Basically I think the problem stems from too short a contribution which prevents any development of plot or characters. You seem determined to flag up the race issue to the point that it is so stilted.
@Independent Article
It's a Carnival cruise. :P
You need More
Your set up of this story left a lot to be desired. No major cruise line is going to allow a ship of this size to be handled only by one person, You didn't do your research. Also, how did she know the guys name when they were introduced on a whim. Before you submit something like this, get someone to read your work.
Good start
Hope to read more soon....
This is a good start
This is an okay start. I agree with some of the other reviewers that this could've used a bit more development. What type of cruise is this? How many people are aboard the ship? Is it a small boat with 20 people? How did Amar and the girl miss the lifeboats? There were some typos that made the dialogue confusing.
You should definitely continue this story. It has a lot of potential.
To my readers
Thank you guys so much for the comments! This is my first ever submission and first real stint at writing. I enjoy the feedback and am fixing my writing based on the criticism and am currently working on Chapter 2 so bear with me!!
Thanks
wow
that was so badly written I got about 15 lines down... maybe read a few books and then think about writing your own stuff
Um....
So I think your story has a hell of a lot of potential but you need to find yourself an editor. Also you have to do some research in order to make your story understandable and clear. The way it is now leaves a lot to be desired but I don't think you should let bad reviews stop you. Just be willing to make Google your best friend while you're writing. And if you can't find an editor proofread the crap out of it before you try to post.
This needs abit of work but I think you can do it.
Good start!
Not really liking Jasmine, she comes off a little self centered, but maybe I'm hating lol. So I'm going to suggest you focus of developing your characters. I think you lacked in that area because everything was so rushed. It seemed like within two paragraphs she met Amar and then they were suddenly on an island. The errors aren't too bad, an editor or triple read through would fix that. But, I can't wait to see where you take this.
Another thing,
I am so tired of people being so rude on here! There are other ways to make suggestions rather than insulting someone's intelligence in one sentence. Please don't let them get to you.
Maybe
I like where you're going with this, BUT i don't know how she knew his name and you mixed up hers and his lines a bit. but..I like this castaway thing it happened so fast but eh.. keep it up, maybe the second chapter would be better. and please describe this Amar person a bit more the only think you said was he has short cut military hair and dark brown eyes. come on i need more details, but yeah great start now ima go look for some castaway stories since you only have 1 chapter
To my readers
Once again, thanks for the feedback. With the second and third chapters i am trying to clear the air on some of the confusion and slow down the pace. I appreciate the constructive criticism, and have incorporated it into my second chapter which i just submitted. Also please remember that this is a fictional story, so to be extremely rude is ridiculous seeing as this story is an extension of my imagination and not me lol.
Hope you enjoy reading!
don't stop
I like your plot very much though you could explain how jasmine knows Amar and work on your character's to make them more interesting. so besides details I loving your story and can't wait for the rest you should try doing it from your character point of view so us readers can connect with them. *0* till next chapter
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