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English
"I didn't say stop, and I defiantly didn't tell you to touch yourself."
Should that word be 'definitely'?
And, do you know the difference between 'there', 'their' and 'they're'?
need to ave a proof reader
HARD TO FOLLOW VERY BAD ENGLISH
On the good path !
There are some points to improve :
- Be careful to avoid most of English mistakes by proof reading before posting !
- Avoid male homosexual or male bisexual (this is better in the gay stories, not here)
- Avoid real dirty stuff ! Clean hygienic stuff is better for almost everyone.
- Write more ! Now it's way too short ! If you have difficulties writing, just write everything you think about and then sort it out ! Don't try to do it perfectly, just do it with simple sentences !
- Avoid the multiple points of view; it's confusing ! Same with flashbacks which make the story hard to follow and less alive ! Also, it cuts the excitation created by the stream of events.
You have some real good points :
- It starts to get kinky and that's good.
- A lot of dialogues which make your story alive.
- Your characters are interesting. So is the whole thing.
Now, you can follow those advices, or do it your previous way ... but I've read so many stories that I know easily what people really like. Your story can be popular if you want. It's up to you !
thank you to the one of you who had actual advise.
These are my first submissions as you can tell, I have to admit to having first draft fever, I was excited to submit and so did not proofread beyond spellcheck. Also the story wasn't really meant to go beyond Ch.1 and much of Ch. 2 is based on PM feedback. Having said that this is my story and righting, those who do not like it need not read it. Finally if your comments are un constructive criticisms, leave off I don't want to hear it and I think that you are sad can cowardly to do so in anonyms.
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