California Love Ch. 01

I liked it a bit, i just expected more a plot, it seemed too rushed and lacked detail.
Hope you continue it.

Damn

not sure what to make of this story, part of me wants to say that is what happens when you give a man a blow job in a bathroom that you don't know,screw him he is a jerk. The other part of me says go get him. Anyway not a bad start, I can't wait to see what happens next.

"She" and "He"

Interesting story so far, but as a quick pointer try to reframe from continuously starting your sentences with "she" and "he" it starts to read like a list and gets boring quickly.

Holy!

What a slut! However, I'm curious on what happens with these two.

Well, that was different. The story actually has potential. Bring on chapter two. I'm curious as to how you are able to redeem these two characters, or if you even try.

Rushed...

Sex with a stranger stories can be haut...if executed correctly. This story seemed rushed and the dialog a bit stiff. Slow down and and add more meat to the characters; explore their thoughts on the situation. Good job so far. Nicolette? for a guy's name? hmmm I was under the impression that Nicolette is alternative form of Nicole. But if you know a guy named Nicolette...

really

this story wasn't even a little believable she stalks him then gives a complete stranger a blow job in the bathroom well i take back what i said him treating her like trash after the blow job was completely believable because that's generally how guys treat sluts get yourself together mariah

Hmmm

Should have been titled, "Evolution of a psycho stalker..." I found myself liking certain aspects of your story. It had a measure of believability; however, some of her actions wax mental instability. That's not attractive in your lead. Im sure there are laws against that confidentiality breech; looking into a patrons account to get their personal info? Running out to accost a patron?

Ok never read a story like this but i really love it. I think its so funny and plus she doesnt think to clearly about things but its great. Wow i cant believe she txted him and he came. I was laughing my butt off. I really would like to see more of this story and others from you. :)

What the hell is wrong with Mariah? She is acting like a whore. She don't know anything about the guy and she sucks his dick in a bathroom? She doesn't respect herself or her health at all. I don't feel sorry that he left her standing there.

I'm guessing they are going to cross paths again. I hope Mariah doesn't demean herself any more and stalk the guy.

Well this was....different

why is the girl so pathetic. she's bringing herself down just to be with a "hot" guy. she's not even getting the respect she deserves.

I was embarrassed for her-.-

How pathetic can she be, jeez. Thats so unattractive like x1000

no no no

Since when do you yell at a costumer at your job you have no idea how there day could have been that was so ignorant I had to stop reading and comment on that

Mariah needs a psychiatrist!!

Why did she follow the man out of the bank? If he had wanted he could have cost her a job because you don't yell at customers. What is the wrong with the girl? Her crazy ass has thrown herself at the man in restroom of a restaurant. WTF?

Pathetic

This girl is pathetic.
This was kinda painful to read because of that idiot.

The thirst is real!!!

This story should be called "The Creation of a Thirsty Chick!!" LOL

Nice start

I really do hope she finds a better blueeyed man tho, but good introduction

Desperate or what?

The least he could have done is tipped her a $20 for the blow job. If you act like a ho, you should get paid! There is no way this could happen in real life. I kept reading it to see how much more farcical it could become. Not very likable characters so far.

Disappointed

This story kinda just tumbled down hill so fast. Could've gone much better....

Its just fiction!

Im loving all of these comments but remember, this story is FICTIONAL and everything does not have to be believable. Im still a beginner so just bare with me people! Chapter 2 will be here soon!

Ugh!!!

This was really awful, juvenile and pretty pathetic on the heroines' part. The love interest is a skeezer!!! Whether or not I'm agreed with is immaterial, I love most things on here and never comment but this, I couldn't even finish...

Unlikable Characters

Mariahs a slutty psycho stalker, that's desperate for a white man. I'm all for interracial relationships and bw/wm pairing, but she is way to desperate for white dick. Does she expect him to want to have a relationship with her after she stalks him andrandomly sucks his dick in a restroom. She is such an unlikeable character, she's jealous of her own best friends accomplishments, she's just psycho and jealous all around.

Slutty shit

This is shit plain and simple. You shouldn't submit anymore of your garbage. No one wants to read about some nasty black ho desperate for white dick. Call it fiction all you want, this is nothing more than some sick and pathetic fantasy of yours. I'm all for bw wm love, but this sure aint it, it's racist, slutty smut.

To the last anon...

Sweetheart, if you dont like it...then don't read it ;) I'm sure there are many other stories to accommodate what you would want to read so do me a favor and do that.

There seems to be a lot of "anonymous" readers berating a first time writer. Shame on you guys!! What makes this site so entertaining and wonderful is that you get to write whatever the fuck you want. If at some point while reading a story you decide it's not your cup of tea move on. There's literally thousands upon thousands of other stories to read. Also, I give it a 5 just to p-off the collective of anonymous commenter ;-)

Omg That Asshole!

I loveeeee the story! Continue! Steven Is A Dick! Now I see why his last name is Richard...

PLEASE KEEP WRITING!

Looking forward to seeing how this story develops. Constructive criticism I can deal with, send a private note to the author. Guys quit with the negativity, this is erotica, fantasy!, it is the author's story to tell. Everyone of us have been, in thought or deed , a 'Mariah' at sometime, whether the object of your affection was blue eyed or brown, come on admit it :).

Cummed is not a word, CAME is! Be different to every other writer on this site and don't butcher the English language.

LMAO!!! Welp.... That didn't go as planned.

If only to Help!!!!

I am not a writer, nor do I claim to be. In as far as saying, although I appreciate the effort and would love to watch you grow and you will, but this is not just a commentary on you, but we have to stop and give them objective criticism. A good writer listens to criticism, I would imagine constructive criticism is a good thing when done appropriately.

WTF!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT?! IT WAS GOING SO PERFECT! All OF A SUDDEN IT BECAME SHIT CREAM! WHAT IN THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING PIECE OF DONKEY SHIT.. like.. WTF man

GASP!! Yho, just like that?! Ai some men hey, but I guess that's the outcome of whoresim but gasp

Don't listen to the Anondiots!

This was the start of a great tale, I think. Keep it up, and I'll be looking for more of your work. :)


5 Stars.

to the irondragon idiot

It's idiots like you that make untalented fucks like this wannabe writer think they have talent when they clearly don't!! Everyone who criticized this shit was right to do it, and clearly aren't idiots. Only idiots who like any ol thing like this, try to offer encouragement for shit like this. Shit begets shit though huh?

im so pissed off

It was going so great I thought they were going to fall in love and then she becomes so weird smut bucket and now they will definitely never see each other aging ur crappy story Rly pissed me off

Wierd

Did a good author start this story and then turn it over to a retarded adolescent to complete? It went from great to shit in 1 second.