...promising first chapter! Don't rush the sex or skip details. Flesh it out a bit more. Otherwise, great read.
by
Anonymous06/20/13
Juvenile
The story comes over as very juvenile; I would guess that you are probably around 14 years old. If you were to re-write this in a few years time it would be much better.
Don't use "passed" instead of "past" and don't use "grinded" instead of "ground".
This is decently edited with few grammar or typos. But this story has no heart. No character development, no tension, nothing to make us care about these people. I can't possibly see how this could be continued without it being repetitive.
I agree with the first person about not much development. However, she was drunk and horny. A drunk person is not into discussing whether incest is right or wrong etc. Now Chapter 2.."The Next Morning" is there to build the story. Will she feel guilt? Will he feel guilt? Hopefully you can build a story in Chapter 2 that will lead to more.
by
Anonymous06/20/13
Rewind? Really?
Considering that the movie 300 came out on HD-DVD when it was competing with Blu-ray I highly doubt anyone would have had a VHS copy over a regular DVD copy...This ruined it for me right from the start.
by
Anonymous06/20/13
Any idea of the difference between ...
... 'passed' and 'past'?
In the context of distance?
Example - "... so any minute I would see her stumble passed, ..." should be 'past'!
Example - "Has it gone passed the bit when he's having sex ..." should be 'past'!
And as for "... I rewinded it"!!! That should be "rewound"!
Basically, it's crock!!
You desperately need the help of a good Proof Reader and a good Editor!
If you go to 'Literotica'; 'Index' you'll find a entry for 'Volunteer Editors'. Select one and ask for help!
by
Anonymous06/20/13
.
More of the same garbage that Literotica allows to be posted... further degrading the site with pathetic loser stories.
by
Anonymous06/21/13
1st time
Nice story worth seeing where stories will lead and develop.
by
Anonymous06/21/13
O... M... G...
The grammar and spelling in this is awful! From the second sentence on, it just goes from bad to worse. If you want to continue, PLEASE get a proofreader and an editor (different people... trust me, it makes a difference).
by
Anonymous06/21/13
grinded
Please grind, ground, grind, grinding. Amongst other things. If you don't want to use an editor at least read it through twice before posting
by
Anonymous06/21/13
Just...no
This story is neither good nor original, written by an obvious juvenile with far too much time on his hands. Athletic 6' frame and 7" cock? Try juvenile spotty twerp with a macaroni dick and the body definition of an 8 year old. This is the worst kind of wish-fulfillment dross, neither plausible nor believable, funny, sad or involving. Nothing about this story excites, titillates or reveals any character development or storytelling skills, please go and learn how to do it properly before polluting the site with more of this drivel. There is a certain expectation of quality or ability if you're going to hold your 'talent' up to public scrutiny, this kind of rubbish insults all the readers on this site.
by
Anonymous06/21/13
Technical point
If your eyes are shut you don't need to adjust for the dark on opening them.
by
Anonymous06/21/13
'Long Running'?
Apart from the poor grammar and wrong words, you rushed it, like so many writers, to get to the sex bit (which incidentally was poorly written). I don't think it's going to be 'long running'.
lmao! Is it me or are Anon's just a bit nit-picky and complete a-holes?
Was this the story of the year? No, but I think you know that, however, you have great potential. If you are planning on making this an on going series, you really need to slow it down a bit. Work on setting things up with characters and what not, I think this could be a good series. Anyways, thanks for sharing.
Grow up its a story it doesn't have to be real or believable hell if every story not in the scifi and nonhuman sections were believable no one would be here
This is where the comment section becomes both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, anonymous leave comments yet don't seem to have profiles on here to submit their own stories and, therefore, slam everything they read, thinking they know better. On the other hand, you can get some great advice and encouragement from people who actually take a chance and put themselves out there, leaving their profile name visible so you may contact them later.
Anyway, I agree that there were a bit of grammatical errors that are an easy fix by some good proofreading. The chapter was a bit short, but it was a good start. I don't remember exactly how long my first chapter was, but it wasn't terribly long either. Just keep in mind when you're writing it, 14-16 pages on your word processing program is about 2-3 pages on Lit. Always go back and proofread a little before submitting. Your characters do need some development, but like someone mentioned, the main character's sister came home drunk and horny, she was in no mood to talk. The development can happen as the story progresses. It doesn't need to be done in the first chapter. THAT, in my opinion, would be rushing things. It should be more about the story than the sex; the sex should move the story along, not the other way around.
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who read it ;)
Secondly, I would like to thank all of the people who provided comments, good and bad. Constructive criticism is an important part of writing and I appreciate it immensely, I will be sure to take all comments on board before writing more. This was my first attempt at writing a story like this, so I'm pretty new with a lot to learn, but I look forward to writing more.
Ok just wanted to give my thoughts. Really this story is not all that bad honestly in fact I would even say good maybe not bed story I read but still good espically for a first timer. Granted yes quite a few typos but hey we all make them and it wasn't so bad that it hurt the story. Another thing to your critics saying characters weren't believable. In what story have characters been very believable please point one out it's a story is it supposed to be believable no its not. Don't listen to those critics do a bit more proofreading and I could see you making a story of the year before long.
by
Anonymous09/22/13
Great start
It was a very good start, but it needs edited. I loved the story and am going to read chapter 2 with anticipation to see how things work out. I don't think I could create a story because I'm not very creative. Hope you keep this going.
by
Anonymous10/06/13
IF YOU WANT TO IMPROVE
listen to the complaints and ignore the kiss ass raves. the complainers are atleast honest and if you listen to them you will stand a better chance of improving, listen to the kiss asses and you will keep posting garbage and never improve.
by
Anonymous01/01/14
One of the worst
Unoriginal, boring, no erotic aspects at all. Just some misspelled words and some creations that aren't even words. Forget it. Wait until you grow up. (If you're grown up now, I feel sorry for you.)
by
Anonymous01/11/14
What a shame.
Too many typos to be worth reading. " my clock fell out of her mouth ". Really!?
professional proofreaders, read the story at least twice but usually 3x. first to get the feel of the article/story. then they read it backwards, that helps them identify the mistakes and corrections then a third time to see if they are sending the message you want
English
A very...
...promising first chapter! Don't rush the sex or skip details. Flesh it out a bit more. Otherwise, great read.
Juvenile
The story comes over as very juvenile; I would guess that you are probably around 14 years old. If you were to re-write this in a few years time it would be much better.
Don't use "passed" instead of "past" and don't use "grinded" instead of "ground".
No heart at all.
This is decently edited with few grammar or typos. But this story has no heart. No character development, no tension, nothing to make us care about these people. I can't possibly see how this could be continued without it being repetitive.
Good Start
I agree with the first person about not much development. However, she was drunk and horny. A drunk person is not into discussing whether incest is right or wrong etc. Now Chapter 2.."The Next Morning" is there to build the story. Will she feel guilt? Will he feel guilt? Hopefully you can build a story in Chapter 2 that will lead to more.
Rewind? Really?
Considering that the movie 300 came out on HD-DVD when it was competing with Blu-ray I highly doubt anyone would have had a VHS copy over a regular DVD copy...This ruined it for me right from the start.
Any idea of the difference between ...
... 'passed' and 'past'?
In the context of distance?
Example - "... so any minute I would see her stumble passed, ..." should be 'past'!
Example - "Has it gone passed the bit when he's having sex ..." should be 'past'!
And as for "... I rewinded it"!!! That should be "rewound"!
Basically, it's crock!!
You desperately need the help of a good Proof Reader and a good Editor!
If you go to 'Literotica'; 'Index' you'll find a entry for 'Volunteer Editors'. Select one and ask for help!
.
More of the same garbage that Literotica allows to be posted... further degrading the site with pathetic loser stories.
1st time
Nice story worth seeing where stories will lead and develop.
O... M... G...
The grammar and spelling in this is awful! From the second sentence on, it just goes from bad to worse. If you want to continue, PLEASE get a proofreader and an editor (different people... trust me, it makes a difference).
grinded
Please grind, ground, grind, grinding. Amongst other things. If you don't want to use an editor at least read it through twice before posting
Just...no
This story is neither good nor original, written by an obvious juvenile with far too much time on his hands. Athletic 6' frame and 7" cock? Try juvenile spotty twerp with a macaroni dick and the body definition of an 8 year old. This is the worst kind of wish-fulfillment dross, neither plausible nor believable, funny, sad or involving. Nothing about this story excites, titillates or reveals any character development or storytelling skills, please go and learn how to do it properly before polluting the site with more of this drivel. There is a certain expectation of quality or ability if you're going to hold your 'talent' up to public scrutiny, this kind of rubbish insults all the readers on this site.
Technical point
If your eyes are shut you don't need to adjust for the dark on opening them.
'Long Running'?
Apart from the poor grammar and wrong words, you rushed it, like so many writers, to get to the sex bit (which incidentally was poorly written). I don't think it's going to be 'long running'.
lmao! Is it me or are Anon's just a bit nit-picky and complete a-holes?
Was this the story of the year? No, but I think you know that, however, you have great potential. If you are planning on making this an on going series, you really need to slow it down a bit. Work on setting things up with characters and what not, I think this could be a good series. Anyways, thanks for sharing.
re: lmao! Is it me or are Anon...
It's you.
At. "just No"
Grow up its a story it doesn't have to be real or believable hell if every story not in the scifi and nonhuman sections were believable no one would be here
Critics
This is where the comment section becomes both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, anonymous leave comments yet don't seem to have profiles on here to submit their own stories and, therefore, slam everything they read, thinking they know better. On the other hand, you can get some great advice and encouragement from people who actually take a chance and put themselves out there, leaving their profile name visible so you may contact them later.
Anyway, I agree that there were a bit of grammatical errors that are an easy fix by some good proofreading. The chapter was a bit short, but it was a good start. I don't remember exactly how long my first chapter was, but it wasn't terribly long either. Just keep in mind when you're writing it, 14-16 pages on your word processing program is about 2-3 pages on Lit. Always go back and proofread a little before submitting. Your characters do need some development, but like someone mentioned, the main character's sister came home drunk and horny, she was in no mood to talk. The development can happen as the story progresses. It doesn't need to be done in the first chapter. THAT, in my opinion, would be rushing things. It should be more about the story than the sex; the sex should move the story along, not the other way around.
Keep it up!
Thanks to Everyone
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who read it ;)
Secondly, I would like to thank all of the people who provided comments, good and bad. Constructive criticism is an important part of writing and I appreciate it immensely, I will be sure to take all comments on board before writing more. This was my first attempt at writing a story like this, so I'm pretty new with a lot to learn, but I look forward to writing more.
thanks ;)
A good start
Now he has to find a way of getting his little sister back in his bed and fuck her all night.
Perhaps their parents will go away for a weekend and he can fuck her all weekend.
I hope to see more soon
Thanks for the read.
My two cents
Ok just wanted to give my thoughts. Really this story is not all that bad honestly in fact I would even say good maybe not bed story I read but still good espically for a first timer. Granted yes quite a few typos but hey we all make them and it wasn't so bad that it hurt the story. Another thing to your critics saying characters weren't believable. In what story have characters been very believable please point one out it's a story is it supposed to be believable no its not. Don't listen to those critics do a bit more proofreading and I could see you making a story of the year before long.
Great start
It was a very good start, but it needs edited. I loved the story and am going to read chapter 2 with anticipation to see how things work out. I don't think I could create a story because I'm not very creative. Hope you keep this going.
IF YOU WANT TO IMPROVE
listen to the complaints and ignore the kiss ass raves. the complainers are atleast honest and if you listen to them you will stand a better chance of improving, listen to the kiss asses and you will keep posting garbage and never improve.
One of the worst
Unoriginal, boring, no erotic aspects at all. Just some misspelled words and some creations that aren't even words. Forget it. Wait until you grow up. (If you're grown up now, I feel sorry for you.)
What a shame.
Too many typos to be worth reading. " my clock fell out of her mouth ". Really!?
HORNY
Try again haven't heard a spell checker???
If you can't find a proofreader - editor try this
professional proofreaders, read the story at least twice but usually 3x. first to get the feel of the article/story. then they read it backwards, that helps them identify the mistakes and corrections then a third time to see if they are sending the message you want
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Me And My Horny Sister Ch. 01 or
More submissions by Stewart05.