Even a "second pair of eyes" would have found a lot of the mistakes you missed.
You're putting periods and commas in places where they don't belong, and ignoring them when you need to use them. This isn't "grammar nazi" nit-picking: it makes it much more difficult than necessary to understand your story. And frankly, it isn't worth the effort.
by
Anonymous06/27/13
Desperately needs a good editor.
Tale not particularly erotic and even if it was the poor punctuation, style, etc. would kill it.
I did read it over several times. The next chapter I will ask for one of the editors help. When you are writing a story you know what is in the mind and miss what is wrong when is it on paper. Thank you for the feed back.
It bothers me that people can't get past errors in stories and just be able to get into the context of the story itself. Do they really have that much trouble reading??????
Nothing hear that can't be corrected, I am not going to discourage because that would be wrong but rather encourage you to use an editor and take advantage of online help with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. A simple search of "parts of a story" would serve you well. Stay in character. Third to first person switch and who is Boyd?
by
Anonymous06/27/13
I like the direction you're going with the story, but...
... you really should get an editor. To be honest, I would think the bulk of the glaring errors would have been caught in a cursory proof read.
Good start and yes keep this going 2 or 3 chapters
by
Anonymous06/27/13
tense
It would be better in the first person with punctuation and grammar...otherwise a good story.....keep going
by
Anonymous06/27/13
Great start!
I really liked the concept, great actually, but it was a bit hard to follow and the mistakes did take away from the flow. Really want to encourage you to continue though, really great start!
by
Anonymous06/27/13
Get an editor
....unreadible; quit reading three paragraphs in
Marvin
by
Anonymous06/28/13
HOPE YOU CONTINUE
Keep this going
by
Anonymous07/01/13
Continue!
Your off to a good start keep the story going.
by
Anonymous07/02/13
tense's comments
I agree with tense's comments. Please tell the story from one point of view or person.
Bouncing around between them severely distracts from the flow of the story.
Also, who the hell is Boyd?
"When curiosity got the best of Boyd once he checked one of mom's bras and the label said 36C."
It might be a good idea to have someone proofread the story before submission.
Great story line, but needs work.
I read somewhere that first person is best for erotica. I'm not sure I agree, you can tell everybody's thoughts when using third person. For instance the scene where John sucked Mom's nipples, while she felt his cock, would be impossible in first person. One thing is for sure, you must choose one and stick with it.
Did you first write with different names, then decide to change? Just wondered about Boyd. Anyway, you have a good feel for creating an erotic story, you just need to work on grammar and proof reading. Author's resources can help with grammar and proofreading aloud will catch a lot of mistakes we normally miss. DON'T GIVE UP
by
Anonymous06/29/14
horny aussie
So far I'm enjoying the story but as the other have commented the grammar is a bit of putting and who the hell is Boyd, please see if you can remember who's who but don't be a bit put out by my comments as I've noticed from some of the other authors they've got their grammar balls up as well and naming people that are not in the story line either. So other than those couple of things it's still a good story and looking forward to reading the next chapter.
who is Boyd? Perhaps you meant to type 'John Boy' in which case, I look forward to the next installment when they reach Grandma's home on Walton's Mountain. A worthy 5.
English
Even a "second pair of eyes" would have found a lot of the mistakes you missed.
You're putting periods and commas in places where they don't belong, and ignoring them when you need to use them. This isn't "grammar nazi" nit-picking: it makes it much more difficult than necessary to understand your story. And frankly, it isn't worth the effort.
Desperately needs a good editor.
Tale not particularly erotic and even if it was the poor punctuation, style, etc. would kill it.
yes
I did read it over several times. The next chapter I will ask for one of the editors help. When you are writing a story you know what is in the mind and miss what is wrong when is it on paper. Thank you for the feed back.
Continue the story
It bothers me that people can't get past errors in stories and just be able to get into the context of the story itself. Do they really have that much trouble reading??????
Hmmmm
Nothing hear that can't be corrected, I am not going to discourage because that would be wrong but rather encourage you to use an editor and take advantage of online help with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. A simple search of "parts of a story" would serve you well. Stay in character. Third to first person switch and who is Boyd?
I like the direction you're going with the story, but...
... you really should get an editor. To be honest, I would think the bulk of the glaring errors would have been caught in a cursory proof read.
Keep Going
Good start and yes keep this going 2 or 3 chapters
tense
It would be better in the first person with punctuation and grammar...otherwise a good story.....keep going
Great start!
I really liked the concept, great actually, but it was a bit hard to follow and the mistakes did take away from the flow. Really want to encourage you to continue though, really great start!
Get an editor
....unreadible; quit reading three paragraphs in
Marvin
HOPE YOU CONTINUE
Keep this going
Continue!
Your off to a good start keep the story going.
tense's comments
I agree with tense's comments. Please tell the story from one point of view or person.
Bouncing around between them severely distracts from the flow of the story.
Also, who the hell is Boyd?
"When curiosity got the best of Boyd once he checked one of mom's bras and the label said 36C."
It might be a good idea to have someone proofread the story before submission.
Great story line, but needs work.
Tom
Is english your second language?
The story was pretty much unreadable.
IT HAS SOME GOOD POINTS
I read somewhere that first person is best for erotica. I'm not sure I agree, you can tell everybody's thoughts when using third person. For instance the scene where John sucked Mom's nipples, while she felt his cock, would be impossible in first person. One thing is for sure, you must choose one and stick with it.
Did you first write with different names, then decide to change? Just wondered about Boyd. Anyway, you have a good feel for creating an erotic story, you just need to work on grammar and proof reading. Author's resources can help with grammar and proofreading aloud will catch a lot of mistakes we normally miss. DON'T GIVE UP
horny aussie
So far I'm enjoying the story but as the other have commented the grammar is a bit of putting and who the hell is Boyd, please see if you can remember who's who but don't be a bit put out by my comments as I've noticed from some of the other authors they've got their grammar balls up as well and naming people that are not in the story line either. So other than those couple of things it's still a good story and looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Loved it, but ...
who is Boyd? Perhaps you meant to type 'John Boy' in which case, I look forward to the next installment when they reach Grandma's home on Walton's Mountain. A worthy 5.
SEQUEL
THE NEXT PART,PLEASE!
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