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English
Sorry, but I hate
...I hate, Hate, HATE stories where the other person is referred to as "You", as though that character is supposed to be me.
Being a 55-year-old, gray-bearded MAN, it is difficult for me to read a story where a female character, or even a younger male character, is referred to as "You".
Referring to a character as "you" is always going to be thus jarring to around 50% of your potential readership, so why do it?
I didn't get past the first sentence because of this, sorry.
-Rei
mixing tenses
This is intended to be constructive, since this is your first post. Please avoid mixing present and past tense in your writing unless there is a reason to do so. Most stories should be written exclusively in past tense.
Thanks
Thank you for the constructive criticism! I used first person to appeal to a more global audience (no names), but I see the alternative perspective as well. Thanks.
As for the verb tense shifts... I definitely should know better. Hardest to edit your own work! :-)
Snarkiness
Though it was somewhat snarky & harsh in tone, my previous comment was meant to be constructive. Had I noticed this was your first story, I would likely have toned the harshness back a notch or two - sorry.
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