As I've mentioned on my blog, this was a huge-assed chapter...but I wanted to keep it all together because it fit with how I wanted the story broken up. There was some give and take in the scenes, some being longer than I wanted, others shorter, but hopefully there's enough to please most everybody!
I've kept the days split with ****** breaks for people who only want to read a bit at a time...so hopefully you all enjoy!
by
Anonymous07/06/13
5 Stars.
Doccis: From the couple of quick read of parts of chapter #5 I have givin you 5 stars. It will likely be several days / week before I will have finished Lap 5. Will send you feed back at that time.
Thank You for the year long effort to write this chapter. Take a break!!!
7 Mile.
This chapter is fraking awesome, its long but well paced so it flows fast (lol took 2 sittings to read all of it) and hot. Probably the best instalment from Docis yet and he is my best writer on here.
Thanks everybody for the comments and feedback so far. As many know the length of the story had been something I had been hesitant on, but as many said, nobody is forced to sit and read it all at once :p
Whaooo.
This chapter take the Lapdancing Girlfriend to a whole new level. I still prefer the "Annie" Story. But this chapter deserve 5 stars (your third chapter of Annie deserve 6 stars, if only this was possible).
Thank you.
Best read. A short read despite the length. Amazing how Doc made every sex scene different because of the characters and setting. Just simply the best read here!
Once again, thank you all for the comments and feedback, both here and via PM's.
@smilingcoyote74--you're not the first to comment on how short the story reads even with it's length. The length of the story, if you've been keeping up with my blog, has been one of my biggest concerns, so I am glad I got things flowing well enough that people did not notice it!
You'd be surprise the number of "Too long, did not read" comments I've received, people saying they were giving me a 1 just out of spite for the length of the story. I don't mind bad votes if warranted, but to give it just because they did not read it is upsetting...but such is the anonymity of the internet.
To those that do read it, appreciate the comments, criticisms, and feedback!
by
Anonymous07/08/13
Nick and Jen
The scene with Nick and Jen after the party is good, but it takes 40+ pages to get to it. It works because Jen gets it right in front of Dan. The author too often uses 500 words when 50 would do, but the chapter isn't bad. The first chapter in this story is still by far the best.
I had to wait forever for this! That said, it was worth the wait but could be much better.
Doc, there were typos and other mistakes PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourself a beta editor to go through everything to catch and correct the errors.
The story is as descriptive as hell, that's all to the good but, it can be a bit too much. Getting lost in the nitty gritty details can bog down the story. I know you've researched everything indepth and it adds to the credibility of the story–if I didn't know better I'd say that you actually are Dan.
The plot idea is good, Jen/Diamond's degradation has driven the story so far but, we need to see more of Dan, we need to see more of DeWight's operation and we need to see Dan and Diamond/Jen get in gear, do something to get their lives back and hurt DeWight in the worst way by stealing the business away from him and burying him so deep that even the FBI will never find the grave.
That said, I'm looking forward to the next installment and I'm hoping that it will be as good, if not better, than the chapters that preceded it.
I think to me this was a mixed bag chapter. First off the length wasn't actually a problem as I at least didn't feel bored when reading it. The pacing unfortunately wasn't very good. We got some good development at the beginning but then after the second photo shoot things did move up extremely quickly when compared to before. I think you got too much detail at first and then cut out at the end.
As for the plot, I know this serves more as a stroke story to some but you obviously put a lot of dedication to the plot. It does suffers from the same things a lot of these type of stories(cuckold, in this case kinda) do and that's weak characters. When I read the last chapter I actually thought the characters were going to try to get out of their situation, but here I am 49 pages later and we're still affirming Chuck's hold on the "couple".
The FBI here is a joke, the way Chuck conducts his business is really strange for it to be so successful. But I guess I can let it pass since it's fiction, but Dan not acting in any situation he is thrust into and Jen's incredibly convenient disease excuse for the things she does undermines the who the audience roots for. Chuck gets what he wants not from some genius moves on his part but from stupid things the other characters do. I just wish you would make this story something different from the standard cuck story. Here's to hoping the next chapter shows something different in the main characters attitudes.
Now for the praise, the sex scenes are really good and they didn't feel too long. You have a really great talent to showcase these scenarios and your attention to detail really pays in them. I just wish you would show more of a progression on the elevator and the drive scenes. They were the best in this even though there's no sex involved yet. The lesbian scene didn't do much for me but I'm not a fan of those so I'm biased. Shame you also didn't explore much on the glass of cum in the hotel. I still think Jen should have stayed with the dried cum for more time. Maybe even gone to work like that. But that's a fetish of mine.
Sorry for the wall of text but I felt this chapter deserved a little more than "it's good, keep on".
Appreciate the comments! I know some parts fell short. Some of that was editing...I was always leery on the length of the chapter and some scenes were purposely removed to shorten the scenes. Another part of was just Fate. I had a bunch of Truth/Dare questions involving the shot glasses, but wrote the story as I actually played out the game, with an actual spinner and Excel spreadsheet. When there was an impossible move, the game forfeited; when a Truth/Dare question, it was randomly selected from a list "drawn" by the computer. Unfortunately, random chance did not pull many of the shot glass dares, LOL.
Other sections I just felt "rushed" to get the chapter out. Feedback always has mixed results, but in the end, I felt rushed to get this chapter published. For me this is merely a hobby, and it felt like work many times over so I know some scenes were less involved than others. Character development takes time, and in the end, a literary masterpiece is not what many people want. You would not believe the number of "Too long, did not read, you get a 1" PM's I've received or deleted from the comments section.
Also, this site being what it is, I often give more on the sex side of things and take away from the characters themselves. I have a set plot outlined for the entire story, and the next couple chapters merely show Diamond's degradation into the industry. I'm sure they'll be "hot" releases, but probably not too in-depth in regards to the story, but that's what is expected here, so I have to appeal to the masses for the higher votes. Nothing is set in stone, and writing next on my Skyrim and Annie series, so who knows!
Yes, a bit long but still one of the best stories ever put up here. I just hope Part 6 does not take so long. Congratulations! Jen/Diamond is a star! Ken
by
Anonymous07/10/13
good read
Was an awesome chapter really enjoyed the anal scenes. doesn't mater how long it is cause if it was a book it would be pages so whats the difference if its on paper or on here. only complaint i have is that it was a long time before the chapter came out :)
Appreciate all the kind words both here, on the blog, and in PM's! Definitely made the time worth it.
by
Anonymous07/15/13
WOW!
Dude you need to exploit your talent! Excellent story line and writing style. Keep it coming!
by
Anonymous07/15/13
good story
A very enjoyable read. The only small criticism I will make is that we didn't need to read every hour of every day, it makes the story too repetitive. Jen gets up thinks a lot about her situation, chooses her clothes, gets in the limo, dresses there, arrives at work, gets groped in the lift. All this could have been described in a flasback chapter later in the day.
Once again, thanks for all the replies (including PM's).
In regards to the repetitiveness, that was done on purpose. I wanted everybody to begin to feel she was falling into a routine that included not only the sex, but her everyday activities too. This will begin to play out again in the next chapter or two where she begins to fall into the routine of being home during Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, flying out to DSA Wed/Thur, then flying out to whatever club she will be touring with Friday, followed by a photo-shoot on Saturday.
The whole purpose is to relay that she IS falling into a routine, and that routine involves her exploitation and is actually a part of it. The more comfortable she gets, the more she is used. First it starts with the limo driver, then moves on to other things...
by
Anonymous07/18/13
5-stars, despite...
Or maybe because of, the length. I'm eagerly watching for the next installment of this incredible story. In the meantime, thank you for giving me and my... 'little buddy' something to do.
by
Anonymous07/20/13
Keep going!!
Great story - kinda go wth 'repetitive' comments but can understand what you say you were trying to do - didn't really take away from enjoyment.
How about some clothes that are revealing but not stripper stuff - just for variety. When does Geiger plan to introduce buttplug cam!.
Looking forward to the rest
by
Anonymous07/21/13
Your writing style is great and makes me wanting more. Can't wait to see what happens to them and how it will end for the bad guy. Keep the stories coming.
Thanks again for all the feedback here and in PM's and on my blog, it's much appreciated!
by
Anonymous07/28/13
Lap Dances for everyone
I thought that given the length it was an extraordinary job. It wasn't needlessly long. It was long because you covered a lot of ground. I like that it seems that Chuck seems to know he has Dan's Fiance and is doing worse than stealing her, he's turning her out as a whore, Can't wait until she starts escorting!!!! And what's more, it seems like he's seducing Jen to want this lifestyle and realize it is where she was always meant to be and what she was meant to do.
by
Anonymous07/29/13
An homage to Jaydice?
Seemed like you working in his story Cum Shot Party.
Hmmmm, I know I've read Jaydice's stories in the past, but not sure if they had an influence on the idea or not...it was not intentional. I've read a couple similar stories, but there was no conscious effort to "copy" anybody's idea...
This is some of the best writing I have seen on this or any other site. Bravo!
by
Anonymous08/27/13
repetitive exposition
Excellent writing but you could cut about 25% as it is repetitive. Having 3 POV with the same info gives the reader a chance to skip, and skip I did.
by
Anonymous08/29/13
I agree with Badj "Well Written"
This was a very well written story, Chapter #5 was the stepping stone for many more chapters. Look forward to your next chapter. Soon I hope!!!
by
Anonymous08/29/13
I agree with the comment re the revealing clothes. Some more non-stripper stuff would be nice. The hottest scene in my opinion was the nightclub scene where jen lets herself go while dancing. Very hot!!
Thanks everybody (both comments here and private e-mails and the blog site)! And keep the suggestions coming! I try to incorporate reader's comments as much as I can to get everybody involved, hehehe...
And remember to check out the blog for updates!
by
Anonymous09/29/13
Long read but well worth it!
Long read but well worth it! are you planning on adding any interracial elements to the story?
I warned people many times in comments, at the beginning, and on my blog it would be a long chapter. There were some things I just wanted to have in the story that were obviously not sexual, but what I felt would develop the characters and plot a bit more.
As to Interracial elements...so far, that has not been on purpose. I have a generalized plot in my head and go forward, and it's just not happened. That's not to say it won't happen, LOL... There are some definite scenes which will be interracial, so you can expect them, but again, the past chapters and the lack of such scenes has not been a conscious effort.
The story was not so muck long as it was difficult to hold my place. Reading it on my iPad. Not sure if it's possible to break down to smaller segments. Enjoyed the story hope there is more.
I understand the problem reading with your iPad. When I read any long story on Literotica (+5 pages) on my tablet it is difficult. The site just was not made for "mobile" reading. It's much better on a PC with a larger monitor.
The stories are written in Word, but I try to keep paragraphs and such short for online reading. When you're reading on a mobile device things are even more lengthened as a full sentence is several additional lines.
Sorry if it was difficult, but that's more of a factor of the Literotica layout than anything :(
by
Anonymous10/25/13
great!
first couple of chapters of this story were great, but this was just over-long drawn out tripe, even skipping over was hard work
by
Anonymous11/02/13
Great story, but it's dragging on too long.
I have definitely enjoyed this story so far, but honestly, I hope you end it soon. It's painful to keep watching Jen cheat on Dan, and if this continues further, I don't think their relationship can ever be repaired. I want too see that bastard Chuck behind bars.
I currently have 10 chapters planned for the Lapdancing series...so it's only halfway done. I don't want to give away any of the upcoming plot, but there will be a few surprises in store...
by
Anonymous11/23/13
awesome
this story is very good and well organized even if it is very long but u enjoy every chapter of it .you are talented don't stop and we wait next chapter as soon as possible
My apologies the story did not interest you...unfortunately it is inevitable some people will like it, some won't. Hopefully I will get the next Annie chapter out soon...although based upon feedback on my blog and here, Lapdancing has more of a following, which is where I've been focused lately...
English
Yes, it's long...
As I've mentioned on my blog, this was a huge-assed chapter...but I wanted to keep it all together because it fit with how I wanted the story broken up. There was some give and take in the scenes, some being longer than I wanted, others shorter, but hopefully there's enough to please most everybody!
I've kept the days split with ****** breaks for people who only want to read a bit at a time...so hopefully you all enjoy!
5 Stars.
Doccis: From the couple of quick read of parts of chapter #5 I have givin you 5 stars. It will likely be several days / week before I will have finished Lap 5. Will send you feed back at that time.
Thank You for the year long effort to write this chapter. Take a break!!!
7 Mile.
What a read!!!!
This chapter is fraking awesome, its long but well paced so it flows fast (lol took 2 sittings to read all of it) and hot. Probably the best instalment from Docis yet and he is my best writer on here.
Thanks everybody
Thanks everybody for the comments and feedback so far. As many know the length of the story had been something I had been hesitant on, but as many said, nobody is forced to sit and read it all at once :p
Gave it a 5.
Read the the entire chapter.
And now we wait for Annie
Whaooo.
This chapter take the Lapdancing Girlfriend to a whole new level. I still prefer the "Annie" Story. But this chapter deserve 5 stars (your third chapter of Annie deserve 6 stars, if only this was possible).
Thank you.
5 stars
Definitely worth the wait.
Best read. A short read despite the length. Amazing how Doc made every sex scene different because of the characters and setting. Just simply the best read here!
Thanks everybody!
Once again, thank you all for the comments and feedback, both here and via PM's.
@smilingcoyote74--you're not the first to comment on how short the story reads even with it's length. The length of the story, if you've been keeping up with my blog, has been one of my biggest concerns, so I am glad I got things flowing well enough that people did not notice it!
You'd be surprise the number of "Too long, did not read" comments I've received, people saying they were giving me a 1 just out of spite for the length of the story. I don't mind bad votes if warranted, but to give it just because they did not read it is upsetting...but such is the anonymity of the internet.
To those that do read it, appreciate the comments, criticisms, and feedback!
Nick and Jen
The scene with Nick and Jen after the party is good, but it takes 40+ pages to get to it. It works because Jen gets it right in front of Dan. The author too often uses 500 words when 50 would do, but the chapter isn't bad. The first chapter in this story is still by far the best.
I had to wait forever for this! That said, it was worth the wait but could be much better.
Doc, there were typos and other mistakes PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourself a beta editor to go through everything to catch and correct the errors.
The story is as descriptive as hell, that's all to the good but, it can be a bit too much. Getting lost in the nitty gritty details can bog down the story. I know you've researched everything indepth and it adds to the credibility of the story–if I didn't know better I'd say that you actually are Dan.
The plot idea is good, Jen/Diamond's degradation has driven the story so far but, we need to see more of Dan, we need to see more of DeWight's operation and we need to see Dan and Diamond/Jen get in gear, do something to get their lives back and hurt DeWight in the worst way by stealing the business away from him and burying him so deep that even the FBI will never find the grave.
That said, I'm looking forward to the next installment and I'm hoping that it will be as good, if not better, than the chapters that preceded it.
A "little" review
I think to me this was a mixed bag chapter. First off the length wasn't actually a problem as I at least didn't feel bored when reading it. The pacing unfortunately wasn't very good. We got some good development at the beginning but then after the second photo shoot things did move up extremely quickly when compared to before. I think you got too much detail at first and then cut out at the end.
As for the plot, I know this serves more as a stroke story to some but you obviously put a lot of dedication to the plot. It does suffers from the same things a lot of these type of stories(cuckold, in this case kinda) do and that's weak characters. When I read the last chapter I actually thought the characters were going to try to get out of their situation, but here I am 49 pages later and we're still affirming Chuck's hold on the "couple".
The FBI here is a joke, the way Chuck conducts his business is really strange for it to be so successful. But I guess I can let it pass since it's fiction, but Dan not acting in any situation he is thrust into and Jen's incredibly convenient disease excuse for the things she does undermines the who the audience roots for. Chuck gets what he wants not from some genius moves on his part but from stupid things the other characters do. I just wish you would make this story something different from the standard cuck story. Here's to hoping the next chapter shows something different in the main characters attitudes.
Now for the praise, the sex scenes are really good and they didn't feel too long. You have a really great talent to showcase these scenarios and your attention to detail really pays in them. I just wish you would show more of a progression on the elevator and the drive scenes. They were the best in this even though there's no sex involved yet. The lesbian scene didn't do much for me but I'm not a fan of those so I'm biased. Shame you also didn't explore much on the glass of cum in the hotel. I still think Jen should have stayed with the dried cum for more time. Maybe even gone to work like that. But that's a fetish of mine.
Sorry for the wall of text but I felt this chapter deserved a little more than "it's good, keep on".
@jviper
Appreciate the comments! I know some parts fell short. Some of that was editing...I was always leery on the length of the chapter and some scenes were purposely removed to shorten the scenes. Another part of was just Fate. I had a bunch of Truth/Dare questions involving the shot glasses, but wrote the story as I actually played out the game, with an actual spinner and Excel spreadsheet. When there was an impossible move, the game forfeited; when a Truth/Dare question, it was randomly selected from a list "drawn" by the computer. Unfortunately, random chance did not pull many of the shot glass dares, LOL.
Other sections I just felt "rushed" to get the chapter out. Feedback always has mixed results, but in the end, I felt rushed to get this chapter published. For me this is merely a hobby, and it felt like work many times over so I know some scenes were less involved than others. Character development takes time, and in the end, a literary masterpiece is not what many people want. You would not believe the number of "Too long, did not read, you get a 1" PM's I've received or deleted from the comments section.
Also, this site being what it is, I often give more on the sex side of things and take away from the characters themselves. I have a set plot outlined for the entire story, and the next couple chapters merely show Diamond's degradation into the industry. I'm sure they'll be "hot" releases, but probably not too in-depth in regards to the story, but that's what is expected here, so I have to appeal to the masses for the higher votes. Nothing is set in stone, and writing next on my Skyrim and Annie series, so who knows!
Wonderful!
Yes, a bit long but still one of the best stories ever put up here. I just hope Part 6 does not take so long. Congratulations! Jen/Diamond is a star! Ken
good read
Was an awesome chapter really enjoyed the anal scenes. doesn't mater how long it is cause if it was a book it would be pages so whats the difference if its on paper or on here. only complaint i have is that it was a long time before the chapter came out :)
Epic
Jen is such a good dancer I get hard just reading about her!
Thanks again!
Thanks again everybody for the comments and feedback, it's much appreciated!
Superb!!!
Once again you have dazzled us with your plot twist and turns as Jen/Diamond gets to the Headquarters of DSA. BRAVO!
Brilliant!
Amazing again!
Once again, thank you!
Appreciate all the kind words both here, on the blog, and in PM's! Definitely made the time worth it.
WOW!
Dude you need to exploit your talent! Excellent story line and writing style. Keep it coming!
good story
A very enjoyable read. The only small criticism I will make is that we didn't need to read every hour of every day, it makes the story too repetitive. Jen gets up thinks a lot about her situation, chooses her clothes, gets in the limo, dresses there, arrives at work, gets groped in the lift. All this could have been described in a flasback chapter later in the day.
Thanks again...
Once again, thanks for all the replies (including PM's).
In regards to the repetitiveness, that was done on purpose. I wanted everybody to begin to feel she was falling into a routine that included not only the sex, but her everyday activities too. This will begin to play out again in the next chapter or two where she begins to fall into the routine of being home during Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, flying out to DSA Wed/Thur, then flying out to whatever club she will be touring with Friday, followed by a photo-shoot on Saturday.
The whole purpose is to relay that she IS falling into a routine, and that routine involves her exploitation and is actually a part of it. The more comfortable she gets, the more she is used. First it starts with the limo driver, then moves on to other things...
5-stars, despite...
Or maybe because of, the length. I'm eagerly watching for the next installment of this incredible story. In the meantime, thank you for giving me and my... 'little buddy' something to do.
Keep going!!
Great story - kinda go wth 'repetitive' comments but can understand what you say you were trying to do - didn't really take away from enjoyment.
How about some clothes that are revealing but not stripper stuff - just for variety. When does Geiger plan to introduce buttplug cam!.
Looking forward to the rest
Your writing style is great and makes me wanting more. Can't wait to see what happens to them and how it will end for the bad guy. Keep the stories coming.
@Everybody - Thanks!
Thanks again for all the feedback here and in PM's and on my blog, it's much appreciated!
Lap Dances for everyone
I thought that given the length it was an extraordinary job. It wasn't needlessly long. It was long because you covered a lot of ground. I like that it seems that Chuck seems to know he has Dan's Fiance and is doing worse than stealing her, he's turning her out as a whore, Can't wait until she starts escorting!!!! And what's more, it seems like he's seducing Jen to want this lifestyle and realize it is where she was always meant to be and what she was meant to do.
An homage to Jaydice?
Seemed like you working in his story Cum Shot Party.
Thanks!
Hmmmm, I know I've read Jaydice's stories in the past, but not sure if they had an influence on the idea or not...it was not intentional. I've read a couple similar stories, but there was no conscious effort to "copy" anybody's idea...
Appreciate the feedback!
Amazingly well written!
This is some of the best writing I have seen on this or any other site. Bravo!
repetitive exposition
Excellent writing but you could cut about 25% as it is repetitive. Having 3 POV with the same info gives the reader a chance to skip, and skip I did.
I agree with Badj "Well Written"
This was a very well written story, Chapter #5 was the stepping stone for many more chapters. Look forward to your next chapter. Soon I hope!!!
I agree with the comment re the revealing clothes. Some more non-stripper stuff would be nice. The hottest scene in my opinion was the nightclub scene where jen lets herself go while dancing. Very hot!!
Thanks all!
Thanks everybody (both comments here and private e-mails and the blog site)! And keep the suggestions coming! I try to incorporate reader's comments as much as I can to get everybody involved, hehehe...
And remember to check out the blog for updates!
Long read but well worth it!
Long read but well worth it! are you planning on adding any interracial elements to the story?
@Anon
I warned people many times in comments, at the beginning, and on my blog it would be a long chapter. There were some things I just wanted to have in the story that were obviously not sexual, but what I felt would develop the characters and plot a bit more.
As to Interracial elements...so far, that has not been on purpose. I have a generalized plot in my head and go forward, and it's just not happened. That's not to say it won't happen, LOL... There are some definite scenes which will be interracial, so you can expect them, but again, the past chapters and the lack of such scenes has not been a conscious effort.
Good read
The story was not so muck long as it was difficult to hold my place. Reading it on my iPad. Not sure if it's possible to break down to smaller segments. Enjoyed the story hope there is more.
Yogoe
@Yogoe
I understand the problem reading with your iPad. When I read any long story on Literotica (+5 pages) on my tablet it is difficult. The site just was not made for "mobile" reading. It's much better on a PC with a larger monitor.
The stories are written in Word, but I try to keep paragraphs and such short for online reading. When you're reading on a mobile device things are even more lengthened as a full sentence is several additional lines.
Sorry if it was difficult, but that's more of a factor of the Literotica layout than anything :(
great!
first couple of chapters of this story were great, but this was just over-long drawn out tripe, even skipping over was hard work
Great story, but it's dragging on too long.
I have definitely enjoyed this story so far, but honestly, I hope you end it soon. It's painful to keep watching Jen cheat on Dan, and if this continues further, I don't think their relationship can ever be repaired. I want too see that bastard Chuck behind bars.
@Anon
I currently have 10 chapters planned for the Lapdancing series...so it's only halfway done. I don't want to give away any of the upcoming plot, but there will be a few surprises in store...
awesome
this story is very good and well organized even if it is very long but u enjoy every chapter of it .you are talented don't stop and we wait next chapter as soon as possible
dragging....on and on
bored, really bored.... annie is better
@Anon (above)
My apologies the story did not interest you...unfortunately it is inevitable some people will like it, some won't. Hopefully I will get the next Annie chapter out soon...although based upon feedback on my blog and here, Lapdancing has more of a following, which is where I've been focused lately...
Excellent story
I feel this series is excellent and anxiously await the next chapter. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Cyborg504
Appreciate the comment. Be sure to check out my blog (URL in profile) where I have teasers and such for this and other chapters and stories!
exceptional story
This may well be the best storyline on literotica. Your writing is equal to that of popular novelists and the plot is deep and coherent. Kudos.
@Anon
Thanks!
Hopefully Chapter 06 will be coming out soon...you can keep track of my progress and other stories and such on my blog (URL in my profile)...
suggestion
add a raver foam party to it...
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