A Light and Dark

Interesting start

Makes me curious about the world and set up, your brave to publish and I wish you the best of luck. Oh and smart of you to make it clear when the viewpoint has changed with characters have seen some forget that.

Good start

You need an editor. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes that make it hard to follow

Great First Chapter

Looking forward to further chapters from you. Really want to see how this turns out between the main characters. Don't let us wait too long though.

Confused

A good story and I sort of get the plot. It's really needs a good edit and proof read. Some parts are hard to follow and sentences are muddled up. There are grammar and spelling mistakes.
Ease don't rush their story into sex though. The suspense works better

Your story was accepted here. Congratulations.

Nemo and the anonymous writers advise you to get an editor, a beta, and/or a proofreader. Some writers don't ever acquire imagination and it can't be taught. You do have imagination. Use all the writing help the wonderful volunteers offer on Literotica prior to submitting your next chapter. There are some serious grammar and vernacular issues. I assume your desire is to communicate an idea and emotion to the readers.

thanks

sorry guys I just threw that together in like 20 minutes.
I starting the next chapter, now I know people want to know what happens next.
anything I could add to story? people? twist of some sort?
sorry for my naiveness

More Please

Please write more of this story

More pls. More.

I loved it, but...

where is the sequel?
OMG, this is so good, please write a next chapter.
A very good begining...