Poetic! Quite a textual picture you draw.
Very poetic and I really like the futuristic scene too it.
A delightful mood piece. Will keep me thinking for some time.
...and scary at the same time. I loved the concept, shea! On one hand it's scary to imagine being so alone in a world full of self-involved humanity, but the prose and some of the word choices are so beautiful. Some lovely writing in there. I really wish the Flower a happy ending.
This was definitely worth the cheering along to make you get it in in time and I'm so glad you did. :)
I really can't give your story a higher rating, because it seemed derivative of so many other Sci-Fi scenarios. Also, your main character reminded me of a description of a Barbie doll instead of an intriguing character. You seem to have talent so keep trying. Better luck next time.
Amazing description, but open to so many interpretations that I don't know where it is going or what you intended. It s almost like a surreal painting which is available to whoever looks at it for whatever meaning it may generate. You have a wonderful descriptive ability, but I'm not sure if you are "telling" anything. Worth the read
For starters, what a gorgeous, haunting little story. Your wordplay and the purposeful ness of your sentences, the significance of your word choices--magnificent. This piece was like some delicious pastry that invited me to peel apart it's layers and lick at the sweet filling.
Also, heartbreaking. A lone bit of verdant lushness straining against a canopy of glass. It reminded me of the flower from "Beauty and the Beast", a dying rose kept shut away in a shimmering case. It's true, in our modern quest for stimulation, we often forget what really feeds our souls, what waters us. As a result, we fail to grow.
As much as I loved the story, and I did love it, absolutely, it pained me that her shadow--cast out from a lighted past to a dark, dreary future, grown large and intimidating, yet, still an imitation, like the city itself--could only offer Flower, and herself, that brief bit of refreshment (re-fresh, to be new again). I wanted so much for her to stay in the park, for the two women to become a garden.
Still, life lingers on, hope is not fully withered. Maybe that is enough.
Flower was quite an exhibition and she allowed me to be a voyeur into my own life. Great use of the category.
Thank you for sharing.
A very good story, told through minimalism. I liked the grim undercurrent flowing through the words, reeking of despair.
Beautifully done. I love the images it brings to mind, very artistically worded to form incredibly vivid pictures. Very good work.
Critique: I saw nothing major that needed any improvement. The only thing that caught my eye was that with something like this the use of a single word. Given all by itself, can be used to give pauses, breaks to rest the eyes between the narrative paragraphs, and at the same time help drive home emotional feelings. Draw in the reader even deeper. I found your writing to be...
And it seems like so very enjoyable a dark future. Nice world building.
There's so much here in just so few words. Words that are broad and vague enough to let the mind wander, but words that are carefully selected to allow the story to emote.
Largely what is written is metaphorical. But the brief glimpse of the world I was shown was intriguing. It was a reflection of the world we live in, in so many ways. That's evident enough throughout the story, without pointedly beating the reader over the head with it. It allows the reader to make that connection themselves.
Perhaps the strongest element that I loved was the mood and atmospherics. There's this unspoken eerieness to the writing and the scenario given. You crafted a character out of the society itself, a blind, unfeeling character. Again, placing a mirror subtly in the story for us to gaze in. Everything seems to weep with desperation, with warning. From the very idea that the park is the size it is and forgotten, to the hopeless endeavor of our Flower. This desperation, this eerie mood, climaxed about the time the dark woman poured water on our flower. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting, and the one I got was even creepier.
I love the use of the Flower stripping in the park. Call it "blooming". But I like the use of that nudity as synonymous with beauty. Beauty which is overlooked, ignored, abused, but still so beautiful in its glory. There was unspoken tension when the dark woman approached her, and again, it was tension felt but not outright spoken.
From start to finish you've maintained a spellbinding tale that moves something deep in a reader. A pinch of eroticism and a wealth of depth. Fantastic work.
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