Totally agree ... the writing structure lacked an ebb and easy of flow.
by
Anonymous07/16/13
POV
Don't switch between 3rd person (talking about someone else (ie:James)) to 1st person (talking about yourself (ie: me, I, etc)) in the middle of story. Pick one point of view and stick with it.
by
Anonymous07/16/13
A minor point
a Double DD is a DDDD, a pair of breasts that even Katie Price would be proud to have...
by
Anonymous07/16/13
Spill cheque
People (like this author) put far to much faith in spell check, for example :
"accidently knocks a file of the cabinet and his boss jumps out of her joyful mood and notices James with his cock out and pants down_
Was it supposed to be " a file off of " and WTF is jumps out of her joyfull mood ?
Proof read and an English editor would do wonders.
by
Anonymous07/17/13
Use an editor
The story may have had promise but you lost me in the first sentence. Spelling, grammar etc.
It should have been a minimum of two sentences not one long run on one. Too many thoughts in the first sentence. Break it up into dream girl. Then the next sentence mentions what she is wearing and her breasts.
It may be worth reading (may) but I stopped after the first sentence. I am sure if someone else read it before you submit they could help you make it much better. IE - an editor.
English
need editor
writing structure very poor making a hard read.
Totally agree ... the writing structure lacked an ebb and easy of flow.
POV
Don't switch between 3rd person (talking about someone else (ie:James)) to 1st person (talking about yourself (ie: me, I, etc)) in the middle of story. Pick one point of view and stick with it.
A minor point
a Double DD is a DDDD, a pair of breasts that even Katie Price would be proud to have...
Spill cheque
People (like this author) put far to much faith in spell check, for example :
"accidently knocks a file of the cabinet and his boss jumps out of her joyful mood and notices James with his cock out and pants down_
Was it supposed to be " a file off of " and WTF is jumps out of her joyfull mood ?
Proof read and an English editor would do wonders.
Use an editor
The story may have had promise but you lost me in the first sentence. Spelling, grammar etc.
It should have been a minimum of two sentences not one long run on one. Too many thoughts in the first sentence. Break it up into dream girl. Then the next sentence mentions what she is wearing and her breasts.
It may be worth reading (may) but I stopped after the first sentence. I am sure if someone else read it before you submit they could help you make it much better. IE - an editor.
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