- All
Comments (2) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
You lost me at "lol"
Please don't use l33t in written fiction. It breaks the mood and makes people feel like they're reading a facebook post rather than an erotic story designed to arouse them.
I skimmed a little further in an effort to find out if the rest of the story ran that way as well and then I came across the switch from her perspective to his. Sorry, but this wasn't done clearly or well. I felt it was clunky. It's a huge shame because I am a big fan of stories about married couples who are having fun together, but because it was difficult to read and didn't flow well, the storyline was spoiled somewhat for me.
Might I suggest that if you really want to write from the 1st person perspective, that you read a lot more material written this way, and also read the following article: http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml.
Sorry to be so negative, it really is a good idea for a story, but having a 1st person perspective is something that should be left to seasoned writers because it is difficult to pull off well, and while colloquialisms are fine to include, l33t speak is really not.
Hot Story****
But damn now I am sore as heck. Thanks for sharing
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Stretching or
More submissions by Sultry81.