It was enjoyable but too short, you should add more and be more descriptive.
by
Anonymous07/30/13
A little too easy
I like the idea of your story. What I think it needs is more angst. The girl is just too bold and direct. We need to know how she struggles. And remeber, the story is all told in the little details.
This is good start. I'll give you the same advice someone recently told me. Watch your tenses. I always find myself switching tenses when I write, and I have to be very careful in edits that I go back and correct them. That can be difficult when you still hear the story the way you wrote it, so set it down for a few days then do your edits. Still, this is a good start. Keep going! 😃
I most likely will retry this. So I may delete this story and RE-do it.
by
Anonymous07/31/13
OK read
`this story was a good read, but too short, there was not one particular spot the shortness counted more than another, but girl if your going for wordy, make them count for something, like something exciting, as in tell us of your odor when you snuggled up to your bro. in fact it would have been a turn-on when you sucked him down, to put your pussy in his face so he could answer you, with an orgasm of your own.
A hot idea, but needs more detail and development. Brother is James, but who is the narrator? A bit of conversation would allow her name to be used, and we could identify with her better. First person, present tense is hard to carry off: it allows considerable detail about the narrator, but makes it difficult for the reader to identify with any other character. James comes off as more of an object than a partner in the activities. Maybe, in the narrator's mind, he is just something to be used, but a bit of discussion with him would help humanize him a bit, and make the narrator less of a user - more of a partner. The little bit of conversation mentioned could be in first, person, present, instead switching to third, past, if that is the desire. There is a good bit of tense switching. Example: "I follow his eyes and found out..."
by
Anonymous07/31/13
More. Sweet in some ways, but:
More contact: the brother is all description. Let him talk.
More build up: ok, so you like fancy undies. Maybe some gentle foreplay, a bit of making out after or during the movies.
More suspense: a bit of making out, a bit of progress (no not the, "Oh this is so wrong. What will society think?), a bit of, "I like this. Let's take our time and be gentle."
And there is nothing wrong with present tense, it has limits but can be much more dynamic that reminiscences in the past tense.
You have a good beginning, but now that the story is established, you need to give background. I'm assuming James is older than the sister-narrator. You need some details. Yes, James' 6" soft cock grows to 9" hard -- a good thing! -- and apparently the sister-narrator is good at a blow job. Let's give James an age, perhaps some dusting of dark hair on a masculine chest, a treasure trail, and am impressive pubic bush around that cock base. The sister thinks James is a sexy stud older brother -- then show that fact in details about James. It might be time for James to reciprocate on his sister too. There's plenty you can do in the following chapters! Go for it!
by
Anonymous08/01/13
DEFFINATELY !!!!!! write part II, but the sister has a week, and then a possible future with her brother to write about, so hopefully there are many more chapters to come with lots and lots of great sex. Would like to see you write this as the sister being a virgin and her brother gets her cherry and much more, maybe even that they have kids and she many times a day breastfeeds her brother with her milk filled Tits
we the reader think at lest chapters 2&3 woude be good love your stil your leann xx TY
by
Anonymous08/01/13
A minus
great story, but suggest that future chapters slow the pace a bit to give more credibility to the seduction build ups during the rest of their week together.
The brother has to do a lot of paybacks, for getting a blow job and then falling asleep.
He should kiss his sisters ass and lick her pussy to many orgasms for letting her go to sleep horny. He should treat her like she is a goddess of perhaps an angel, and pleasure her all of the time to make up for him letting her high and dry.
I want to thank everyone who commented (yes even the ass holes). I also would like to thank everyone who liked my story and profile. Yes I know it was bad, but a re-make is pending right now. So for all the people who didn't like it.... you might want to break out the lube for this next one.
by
Anonymous11/21/13
Re: yes even the ass holes
That's kind of harsh, don'tcha think? I didn't read any "asshole" comments. But if that's the way you refer to your readers, then you deserve nothing but one star votes or even no votes at all.
the only asshole is the writer that posted this outline as a finished chapter. remember you need the readers more than they need you so either be nice to them or delete all stories and stop writing.
English
Tooooooo short!!!
To short.... U should expand before moving on 2 next chapter
not a bad first
Not a bad story . Needs to be a little longer but a good start. Hope to see part two soon keep writing and I will keep reading .Thanks
It was enjoyable but too short, you should add more and be more descriptive.
A little too easy
I like the idea of your story. What I think it needs is more angst. The girl is just too bold and direct. We need to know how she struggles. And remeber, the story is all told in the little details.
Same advice
This is good start. I'll give you the same advice someone recently told me. Watch your tenses. I always find myself switching tenses when I write, and I have to be very careful in edits that I go back and correct them. That can be difficult when you still hear the story the way you wrote it, so set it down for a few days then do your edits. Still, this is a good start. Keep going! 😃
hot
well done and hot...good part one...you have us hard now bring us home
.
Don't write in present tense. Veteran authors will tell you that this is a no-no.
Thanks!
Thanks for the feed back everyone. I will definitely keep what you all said in mind. Keep the comments coming.
Re-do
I most likely will retry this. So I may delete this story and RE-do it.
OK read
`this story was a good read, but too short, there was not one particular spot the shortness counted more than another, but girl if your going for wordy, make them count for something, like something exciting, as in tell us of your odor when you snuggled up to your bro. in fact it would have been a turn-on when you sucked him down, to put your pussy in his face so he could answer you, with an orgasm of your own.
Detail, Detail!
A hot idea, but needs more detail and development. Brother is James, but who is the narrator? A bit of conversation would allow her name to be used, and we could identify with her better. First person, present tense is hard to carry off: it allows considerable detail about the narrator, but makes it difficult for the reader to identify with any other character. James comes off as more of an object than a partner in the activities. Maybe, in the narrator's mind, he is just something to be used, but a bit of discussion with him would help humanize him a bit, and make the narrator less of a user - more of a partner. The little bit of conversation mentioned could be in first, person, present, instead switching to third, past, if that is the desire. There is a good bit of tense switching. Example: "I follow his eyes and found out..."
More. Sweet in some ways, but:
More contact: the brother is all description. Let him talk.
More build up: ok, so you like fancy undies. Maybe some gentle foreplay, a bit of making out after or during the movies.
More suspense: a bit of making out, a bit of progress (no not the, "Oh this is so wrong. What will society think?), a bit of, "I like this. Let's take our time and be gentle."
And there is nothing wrong with present tense, it has limits but can be much more dynamic that reminiscences in the past tense.
Excellent
Part II please.
Good beginning
You have a good beginning, but now that the story is established, you need to give background. I'm assuming James is older than the sister-narrator. You need some details. Yes, James' 6" soft cock grows to 9" hard -- a good thing! -- and apparently the sister-narrator is good at a blow job. Let's give James an age, perhaps some dusting of dark hair on a masculine chest, a treasure trail, and am impressive pubic bush around that cock base. The sister thinks James is a sexy stud older brother -- then show that fact in details about James. It might be time for James to reciprocate on his sister too. There's plenty you can do in the following chapters! Go for it!
DEFFINATELY !!!!!! write part II, but the sister has a week, and then a possible future with her brother to write about, so hopefully there are many more chapters to come with lots and lots of great sex. Would like to see you write this as the sister being a virgin and her brother gets her cherry and much more, maybe even that they have kids and she many times a day breastfeeds her brother with her milk filled Tits
realy good starte
we the reader think at lest chapters 2&3 woude be good love your stil your leann xx TY
A minus
great story, but suggest that future chapters slow the pace a bit to give more credibility to the seduction build ups during the rest of their week together.
I want to see another chapter or two
The brother has to do a lot of paybacks, for getting a blow job and then falling asleep.
He should kiss his sisters ass and lick her pussy to many orgasms for letting her go to sleep horny. He should treat her like she is a goddess of perhaps an angel, and pleasure her all of the time to make up for him letting her high and dry.
Thanks again.
I want to thank everyone who commented (yes even the ass holes). I also would like to thank everyone who liked my story and profile. Yes I know it was bad, but a re-make is pending right now. So for all the people who didn't like it.... you might want to break out the lube for this next one.
Re: yes even the ass holes
That's kind of harsh, don'tcha think? I didn't read any "asshole" comments. But if that's the way you refer to your readers, then you deserve nothing but one star votes or even no votes at all.
good story
Good story but I wish you would have more details you know drag it out a little more still a damn good story
I'm not an asshole
But this is still fucking garbage.
needs a negative vote from all readers
the only asshole is the writer that posted this outline as a finished chapter. remember you need the readers more than they need you so either be nice to them or delete all stories and stop writing.
Good story
to anonymous.....GO FUCK YOURSELF SKIPPY!!
What a stankass douchebag you are!!
Pussbag doesn't have balls to leave a comment with a name/ID!
Typo!
Def agree to redo it , josh, James ? What happened to proof reading before posting something with mistakes that obvious!
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