Violent, yes. Erotic, no.
By the way, ' = foot, " = inch
by
Anonymous08/07/13
it was ok
Write.more. i think its ok so far
by
Anonymous08/07/13
humiliate Sage more!
Bring a black stud and have him fuck her into delicious submission while taking video to click away to cyberspace as Sage is outed as a slut for BBC all time! Then turn her into a submissive lezzie
In the end nobody will want a useless slut like Sage and she will be reduced to living in the projects with swollen belly and black kids to absent dads.
by
Anonymous08/24/13
the story
this was very horrible. you cud have wrote in details to make it better
here is some constructive criticism. The plot of a vengeful ex going after the one who stole her man is a good one. You have some skill as a writer, so the story unfolds in an understandable fashion.
FIRST, this piece belongs in Nonconsent/Reluctance. At no point in this piece did you describe ANY consensual sex. The ONLY consensual contact was when Lana hugged Grace after the break up.
You could better this story easily. The first chance, which you completely blew, was when you told us that Lana and Grace became lovers. Hello? This is supposed to be an EROTIC story, and you completely missed the erotic scene. In addition to letting us see your writing skills describe Grace writhing on Lana's tongue and fingers, you could have introduced us to Grace's dildo, with Grace bringing Lana to a series of shattering orgasms. The second chance (also blown) was in the confrontation with Sage. Lana could have put the moves on the wasted slut, or Grace and Lana could have seduced her in her disoriented condition. Or, in keeping with the way you wrote this piece, they could have dominated her into her place. Instead, they just beat her up. This shows a lack of imagination.
The plot is good. The writing was ok. You could go back and write the scenes that you left out, and it would probably be better. Good luck.
I agree with great Imagination about this being a lost opportunity for a good story. This could have been several pages long, starting with the evolving of the affair between the girls, prior to bringing Sage into it. Even that exchange should have been elongated.
On the whole, this wasn't well written from a descriptive angle and needed more forethought before being put on here.
English
Violent, yes. Erotic, no.
By the way, ' = foot, " = inch
it was ok
Write.more. i think its ok so far
humiliate Sage more!
Bring a black stud and have him fuck her into delicious submission while taking video to click away to cyberspace as Sage is outed as a slut for BBC all time! Then turn her into a submissive lezzie
In the end nobody will want a useless slut like Sage and she will be reduced to living in the projects with swollen belly and black kids to absent dads.
the story
this was very horrible. you cud have wrote in details to make it better
Well...
here is some constructive criticism. The plot of a vengeful ex going after the one who stole her man is a good one. You have some skill as a writer, so the story unfolds in an understandable fashion.
FIRST, this piece belongs in Nonconsent/Reluctance. At no point in this piece did you describe ANY consensual sex. The ONLY consensual contact was when Lana hugged Grace after the break up.
You could better this story easily. The first chance, which you completely blew, was when you told us that Lana and Grace became lovers. Hello? This is supposed to be an EROTIC story, and you completely missed the erotic scene. In addition to letting us see your writing skills describe Grace writhing on Lana's tongue and fingers, you could have introduced us to Grace's dildo, with Grace bringing Lana to a series of shattering orgasms. The second chance (also blown) was in the confrontation with Sage. Lana could have put the moves on the wasted slut, or Grace and Lana could have seduced her in her disoriented condition. Or, in keeping with the way you wrote this piece, they could have dominated her into her place. Instead, they just beat her up. This shows a lack of imagination.
The plot is good. The writing was ok. You could go back and write the scenes that you left out, and it would probably be better. Good luck.
Lost opportunity
I agree with great Imagination about this being a lost opportunity for a good story. This could have been several pages long, starting with the evolving of the affair between the girls, prior to bringing Sage into it. Even that exchange should have been elongated.
On the whole, this wasn't well written from a descriptive angle and needed more forethought before being put on here.
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