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English
You have it going here
and then I think you snuff it out with the last two lines. Here's why: you create a very alluring image of these two people who talk and reveal their attraction with more than words. That's a great observation and you communicate it well--"thrust and parry" is a really erotic image that works perfectly. And your title is good (I mean Good). So why, after all that, tell us what you were doing? We already know it from reading what comes before. So just my opinion Tod, but maybe take off those last two lines and reread and see if you really need it. It's very good, to me, otherwise.
Maybe I should edit the
last lines of every poem I submit hahaha
I seem to keep making that mistake in my attempts to close off my writing. without them it seemed unfinished, however now that you have pointed it out, I am ashamed to admit it is much better.
Divided
...about Angeline's comment. Part of me agrees, it seems unnecessary to have that as an ending.
On the other hand, I feel it's an interesting thing that you could use elsewhere. Allow me to explain. I think you need to write this poem tighter around one character's viewpoint — e.g., the man's impressions. So, instead of "we laugh at the not funny", just "she laughs". You're talking about thrusting and parrying; by keeping it focused on the other "fighter", and writing around suspense (the uncertainty of the other's reaction, I think you could further place the reader in the narrator's shoes. Just something to think about.
Ah, yes, so the last two lines. They almost read to me like what the other character (the woman) would be seeing — his cheeky grin and teasing eyes. To me, it begs a sister poem, the compliment to this one.
Or maybe I'm just talking and talking and it's all nonsense. That's quite possible, too. ;-)
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