Good start, you need to flesh out the story more. with more feeling and sensations. try to add more to the story line and when describing the sex scene's add more to how the physical and mental feelings are going. Just a thought..
by
Anonymous08/04/13
Get Real!
You were doing well until you reached the part about moving your lips from her lips to her neck - then you jumped to rubbing her pussy while sucking her nipples...........way too fast, no build up to it.
Then the part about getting up from Marissa to jump in bed with Staci defies logic AND reality.............ruined the whole story! GET REAL!! Finish the story with Marissa.
All of this information could come out easily in the course of the story, rather than a recitation at the beginning.
I have the same comment about Paragraph 2, combined with the observation that the statistical catalog is not very erotic except to teenage boys.
Fifteen minutes of fucking - that's pretty good anywhere, and highly unlikely for a guy's first time. I know this is Literotica - but the effect would be just as good if you talked about the difficulty of holding off - forget the exact timing - was your protagonist using a stop watch of the kind one uses to take splits as well as total time?
I have to agree with gemman, but i cant really say anything much, i love to write stories but i have yet to post one on here do to the fact that im afraid i wouldnt be able to do wat gemman advised, im more of a backstory and main story writer and can not seem to get the intimate parts, feelings, and details down exactly how i want to.
by
Anonymous08/04/13
TMI
What doses it matter what cup size her breast are??
Thanks for all of the feedback! good and bad. And Cross13, don't worry, this is my first of a few submissions, this community helps eachother with errors. I learned a bit from these comments, also it helps to use the free editor page. Oh and by the way the idea that I will just dive into bed with Staci does defy logic, that's why it wont work like that, there is more for Marissa...
by
Anonymous08/06/13
Total fucking rubbish
Don't both writing any more
by
Anonymous08/07/13
Cross13, ever heard of spelling, grammar and punctuation? A dozen errors in one paragraph is pretty impressive. Thirteen if you count the superfluous comma after 'feelings'.
"I have to agree with gemman, but i cant really say anything much, i love to write stories but i have yet to post one on here do to the fact that im afraid i wouldnt be able to do wat gemman advised, im more of a backstory and main story writer and can not seem to get the intimate parts, feelings, and details down exactly how i want to."
I can't, I, I, due, I'm, I wouldn't, what, I'm, cannot, I...
by
Anonymous08/07/13
So so
Decent story I suppose, needs a lot more character building and
storyline to it. For the next one, definately add more depth to it. "Would you like some storyline with that sex?"
English
Good first story
Good start, you need to flesh out the story more. with more feeling and sensations. try to add more to the story line and when describing the sex scene's add more to how the physical and mental feelings are going. Just a thought..
Get Real!
You were doing well until you reached the part about moving your lips from her lips to her neck - then you jumped to rubbing her pussy while sucking her nipples...........way too fast, no build up to it.
Then the part about getting up from Marissa to jump in bed with Staci defies logic AND reality.............ruined the whole story! GET REAL!! Finish the story with Marissa.
Show, don't tell
SHOW, DON'T TELL!!! (Paragraph 1)
All of this information could come out easily in the course of the story, rather than a recitation at the beginning.
I have the same comment about Paragraph 2, combined with the observation that the statistical catalog is not very erotic except to teenage boys.
Fifteen minutes of fucking - that's pretty good anywhere, and highly unlikely for a guy's first time. I know this is Literotica - but the effect would be just as good if you talked about the difficulty of holding off - forget the exact timing - was your protagonist using a stop watch of the kind one uses to take splits as well as total time?
AGREE
I have to agree with gemman, but i cant really say anything much, i love to write stories but i have yet to post one on here do to the fact that im afraid i wouldnt be able to do wat gemman advised, im more of a backstory and main story writer and can not seem to get the intimate parts, feelings, and details down exactly how i want to.
TMI
What doses it matter what cup size her breast are??
Keep it going
Keep story going
Thanks!
Thanks for all of the feedback! good and bad. And Cross13, don't worry, this is my first of a few submissions, this community helps eachother with errors. I learned a bit from these comments, also it helps to use the free editor page. Oh and by the way the idea that I will just dive into bed with Staci does defy logic, that's why it wont work like that, there is more for Marissa...
Total fucking rubbish
Don't both writing any more
Cross13, ever heard of spelling, grammar and punctuation? A dozen errors in one paragraph is pretty impressive. Thirteen if you count the superfluous comma after 'feelings'.
"I have to agree with gemman, but i cant really say anything much, i love to write stories but i have yet to post one on here do to the fact that im afraid i wouldnt be able to do wat gemman advised, im more of a backstory and main story writer and can not seem to get the intimate parts, feelings, and details down exactly how i want to."
I can't, I, I, due, I'm, I wouldn't, what, I'm, cannot, I...
So so
Decent story I suppose, needs a lot more character building and
storyline to it. For the next one, definately add more depth to it. "Would you like some storyline with that sex?"
keep going
Can't wait to see what happens with Staci.
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