Thanks for the comments everyone, this was the first one I've submitted. Testing the water, so to say. 3 out of 4 positives makes me feel quite chuffed.
I'm not sure that I could take the story anywhere with a second chapter. After all, we all know what would happen, because the protagonist has stated his intent, and his companion has made it clear that this is what she'd like. Plus I have to confess I have no experience of this particular act. And you write best what you know....
I did re-write the opening paragraph with more detail, hoping to better set the scene rather than diving straight in. Tell me if it would work better opening like this:
Places don't usually do it for me, I'm more into the content than the packaging. So as I walked in, I was scanning the occupants before the decor, looking more for someone to sit with rather than just a place. Always best to know where you're headed before you set off, it makes a better impression than fluttering around first. By a window there was a woman on her own, a halo of early evening sunlight around her hair accentuating her good looks. On her own though. Maybe the book was in her hand as a guard. That, her jacket over the back of her chair, and a three quarters full glas of wine suggested she hadn't just that minute arrived. Maybe others had approached, trying to catch her attention, maybe she'd put up a wall, and maybe that's what she preferred. For evy idea you imgine there are dozens you haven't considered. But fortune favours the brave, I reminded myself as I went over. Sauntering, I didn't want to arrive like the cavalry.
And of course I noticed a couple of little things to change. Writers, always trying to be editors, huh?
English
Wow hot and kinky
Wow so hot and kinky... what a way to finish the story
Congrats!
Very nicely done!
Disappointed
I would have liked it if there were actual peeing involved.
Looking forward to chapter two
thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the comments everyone, this was the first one I've submitted. Testing the water, so to say. 3 out of 4 positives makes me feel quite chuffed.
I'm not sure that I could take the story anywhere with a second chapter. After all, we all know what would happen, because the protagonist has stated his intent, and his companion has made it clear that this is what she'd like. Plus I have to confess I have no experience of this particular act. And you write best what you know....
I did re-write the opening paragraph with more detail, hoping to better set the scene rather than diving straight in. Tell me if it would work better opening like this:
Places don't usually do it for me, I'm more into the content than the packaging. So as I walked in, I was scanning the occupants before the decor, looking more for someone to sit with rather than just a place. Always best to know where you're headed before you set off, it makes a better impression than fluttering around first. By a window there was a woman on her own, a halo of early evening sunlight around her hair accentuating her good looks. On her own though. Maybe the book was in her hand as a guard. That, her jacket over the back of her chair, and a three quarters full glas of wine suggested she hadn't just that minute arrived. Maybe others had approached, trying to catch her attention, maybe she'd put up a wall, and maybe that's what she preferred. For evy idea you imgine there are dozens you haven't considered. But fortune favours the brave, I reminded myself as I went over. Sauntering, I didn't want to arrive like the cavalry.
And of course I noticed a couple of little things to change. Writers, always trying to be editors, huh?
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