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Excellent!
A most enjoyable beginning - I look forward to reading much more. Thank you for sharing your talent with us and please have five stars.
A lot of clumsy dialog, and oddly written narration.
Some of it is simply run-on sentences where you lack proper punctuation. For example:
"Katie she did not ask for you to get her a drink, she asked you to go and tell Nicky to fetch her one. Once your done with that you can grab a tray and get serving to, if your so willing to please. On your feet and off you go." Rob interrupted.
Should have been: "Katie," Rob interrupted, "she did ask for you to get her a drink. She asked you to go and tell Nicky to fetch her one. Once you're done with that, you can grab a tray and get to serving, if you're so willing to please. On your feet and off you go."
Clumsy turns of phrase also distract readers. For instance:
"You disobeyed me and now you are arguing against my word."
You are arguing against my word? Wouldn't "You are arguing with me" make more sense?
For realistic dialog, read it out loud. Then decide whether it sounds like something a person would actually SAY, or if it's too convoluted and/or pretentious to believe it could EVER come out of someone's mouth in an actual conversation.
When amateurs try to write stories about domination and submission, they tend to make the same two common mistakes: First, they try to use long or uncommon words, and to use complex, convoluted and CONFUSING speech when simpler dialog will really suffice. Second, they try to make long-ass lists of rules. (Tell me you disagree with that. You can't, can you? It's a very common tell among amateur writers.) Guess which mistake you made?
Actually, you made a second one as well: You should have done a better job proof-reading this, or had someone else do it for you. Misspellings like "your" instead of "you're" and "infact" instead of "in fact" and so on, would probably have been caught and corrected. The same with sentences that used commas instead of periods to split them into two or more complete sentences instead of one long, hard-to-understand run-on sentence.
I've read worse from new authors. (And frankly speaking, this is one of only three stories under this name, so I'm guessing you are actually a new author. It's possible you've written and posted under other names -- like me -- but your writing style still seems too rough to make that likely.) I've read worse, but I've also read better. You show some potential, but also a lot of room for improvement.
Nice
I love the story and can hardly wait for the next chapter. Please post it soon and tysm for the story :)
Well done!
Liking the story so far. Like the set up from 1 years back. I really like that its two strong Doms that are going to go head to head. Nice set up all around but need more development of characters her now and then her master too. Why being a Domme? And so on. I like lost bets you never know what you can actually handle and endure. I was going to point out that there were some grammar issues. I realize that you are using London and Manchester? right? So, though UK speaking, these are still simple errors that can be fix mainly w/an editor...there are many here. Just have a good out loud read through it will help.
Agree with Mel
A nice start and I would like to see more.
I also agree with the comments about grammar and spelling .
Rope play definitely want Nora's area of expertise, but....is just one example, which actually makes the story harder to read.
4 stars and one dropped for the above reason.
Please continue though.
Very Nice
OMG love this story so much please please post the next chapter soon. I am a mistress and can imagine this lol.
please continue
I hope that u r going to continue Nora's story. Really want to see how she became a sub. PLease Please Please
Continue please
Great set up...looks like the beginning of a wonderful story.
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