re-read your story before posting it or get an editor to review it before posting. More development of the characters and their background will help to build the story more.
You've got a strong story idea and a nice start. Give it time and space to develop. Now you've seen how many pages (about 5 in Word) it takes to make ONE page in Lit. Never worry you have too much...no such thing... So don't rush. The end did seem fast in order to get to that cliff hanger.
She seems to be in a bit of a thrall to him, given that she is not freaking out. Fondled by a boney hand? I'd be a bit messed up. If he has some power over her, besides lust, maybe punch that up a bit?
When describing your characters, use words-not numbers. Numbers are just distracting (readers start arguing about it being realistic body shapes) and it sounds like a police report. ;). Use words and spread them out within the story. Mention hair color as she brushes it or pulls it into a pony tail. Eye color? When she is splashing cold water on her tear puffed eyes. Measurements, no, but maybe 'a perfect hourglass figure' as she tucks her clingy tshirt into her jeans and cinches the belt on her jeans. See...words.
Are you writing in a program with a spelling/grammar check? Those are your friend.
WOW,you need an editor badly...unless english is not your first language,,spelling and grammer errors,but it is a good first start,although longer "pages"to make a chapter would be nice...Dont rush,,this was fast,not much background on either of them,,it has a good line,,look forward to another chapter from you soon,,,Thanks..and good writing!!!!
English
Stupid
Senseless
5 *****
Great start but you had a few errors in this chapter... But other than that I can't wait for the next chapter
-cumonmi
I liked the first part of this chapter
The end of the chapter seemed rushed. I want to know what happens next though.
Good start
You have a good start. There are some spelling & grammar errors, do a little proofreading & that should be taken care of.
It needs more plot, who finds injured people off of the street and takes them home to fuck them?
Just
re-read your story before posting it or get an editor to review it before posting. More development of the characters and their background will help to build the story more.
Welcome aboard, Novabee
You've got a strong story idea and a nice start. Give it time and space to develop. Now you've seen how many pages (about 5 in Word) it takes to make ONE page in Lit. Never worry you have too much...no such thing... So don't rush. The end did seem fast in order to get to that cliff hanger.
She seems to be in a bit of a thrall to him, given that she is not freaking out. Fondled by a boney hand? I'd be a bit messed up. If he has some power over her, besides lust, maybe punch that up a bit?
When describing your characters, use words-not numbers. Numbers are just distracting (readers start arguing about it being realistic body shapes) and it sounds like a police report. ;). Use words and spread them out within the story. Mention hair color as she brushes it or pulls it into a pony tail. Eye color? When she is splashing cold water on her tear puffed eyes. Measurements, no, but maybe 'a perfect hourglass figure' as she tucks her clingy tshirt into her jeans and cinches the belt on her jeans. See...words.
Are you writing in a program with a spelling/grammar check? Those are your friend.
Will be looking for more. :)
Good start,,,,but
WOW,you need an editor badly...unless english is not your first language,,spelling and grammer errors,but it is a good first start,although longer "pages"to make a chapter would be nice...Dont rush,,this was fast,not much background on either of them,,it has a good line,,look forward to another chapter from you soon,,,Thanks..and good writing!!!!
Can't wait for the next part
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to The Silver Moon Ch. 01 or
More submissions by Novabee.